I am not a Nutcase I am a Hipster

[Cornstarch]

Corny's health is buckling under an immense weight and she's signing off of the forums.

I keep having to peel more and more layers back as my dissociation continues to fragment and terrifying memories resurface.

Actually underneath it is quite literally reliving a nightmare. My nervous system was built on quicksand and I was never given a deep reservoir to draw upon. I wish I had because my nature is to help.

But there's only so much helping one little Corn-dog can do.

I am so frustrated with my ignorance and lack of education right now with regard to dissociation. I suppose we should always be careful what we wish for, but it is a very mis-understood symptom.

I don't own a car, I don't own a television, and now I have to restrict my non-work internet use to 45mins a week if that, and stay outside as much as possible.

It's official, I am now - a Hipster

Heirloom Corn of Sun and Sea.

[Wednesday]

Hi Dottie and Theorising,

Dottie, thank you for your kind words, some people have messy lives.

Therising, Psychs well I've had my share and guess some must of helped. But others definitely didn't. I am hanging on to Corn's story as a break through, so far I love her new doctor he sounds like someone very special.

Therising, like Sweetcorn I am gob smacked. I absolutely agree with your analysis of the Army and have seen your nephew in others. Dreams dashed, hearts and minds broken. You have a lucky nephew to have such a wonderful Aunty around.

As to the abuse, wow. I have never had that response before, thank you so much. Decades on I still get lost in you are lying nothing is happening to you, you just make up stories for attention. What would a four year old know anyway. Men are just like that they like a bit of fluff and as I got older shorts and fish net stockings look good together. Read this magazine, see its just ordinary, stop lying.

Thank goodness for puberty, though by then the damage was too great and it was easier to retreat.

I have to keep re-reading your post, thank you.

xx

[Wednesday]

Dear Corn,

There are far too many of us in the club. I am on the highest level of AD's and wonder what happens next. ECT sounds scary but I understand it does work and is much better targeted these days so doesn't have the side effects it used to have. I only know older people that have had it and it seemed to work for them. It is almost unbearable to hear of a 21 year old struggling so hard, my heart goes out to her.

Your words were so very kind and as always sensitive and added further clarity. I have a lot of boxes hiding nightmares lifting the lid on them I find doesn't help. It doesn't help to revisit just allows the monsters out of the box to cause further grief and destruction and sends me into a downward spiral.

I am constantly delighted my the amazing people I meet on here. The people that pull me through dark moments and that add sensible context to life's variety of issues. I feel very blessed to have met you and all the others.

Corn you are a very special person, I hope you never doubt that.

My partner is far to wrapped up and damaged by his own issues to really understand mine, well his are always worse. At meetings of his siblings they discuss their upbringing in horror, yep like all it had its moments. The recent topic has been passive smoking and the damage it may have done (so far so good. It was normal for the time and like them I sat in smoke filled rooms). I listen and allow them to keep debriefing, sympathise appropriately and stay focused on their distress. I don't discuss mine, whats the point if I read a book about me I would wonder how much was fictional. But you know Corn I can top every story they tell, is that awful to say? Their upbringing has damaged them all, they had at least one parent that they know loved, fought for and protected them.

Dear Corn where were your family when you needed them?

My partner suffers from GAD and by its nature it makes him obsess about his issues. I'm the strong one. Haha, such a good facade.

What about you dear Corn do you have someone close to support you through life? Take careful care of you dear one. When had children I had to learn about hugs and affection, I have the huggiest children (now adults) out.

Hugs, xx

[Cornstarch]

Both of my parents have/had mental illnesses, I've been immersed in mental health my entire life, so I guess I'm not shocked (pardon the pun!) and am a little bit more pragmatic about it. Mum has schizophrenia and Dad had depression, taking his life in 2010, he was extremely abusive as well. I can't deny ECT is scary. My Mum had it in the 60s, and just the thought of that upsets me. But it has come a long way and changed since then. I think you would be surprised how many people use it, especially in NSW, the treatment protocol differs from state to state. Yes, the girl I met was young but it saved her life and that is a wonderful outcome. SRRI's and all the other augmentative medications just don't work for everyone, and if you reside in NSW, are extremely suicidal, ECT can be ordered against your will. The reality is there are medical emergency's and ECT is the emergency treatment. The Black Dog is trialling ketamine for the same reason are they not? 3-8 weeks for an SSRI to kick in is just too long for some people, they would not be here.

It's no wonder your partners anxiety irritates the crap out of you because it sounds like a lot of your childhood horrors are over looked, ignored, or minimised. That is not a terrible thing to say when you over hear your in-laws talk of their abuse! Not in the slightest. I have had some extremely rude awakenings with friends, some people are just too self involved, self absorbed or may have narcissistic traits to be able to come to grips with the fact that possibly compared to others their abuse aint that bad. If they are the kind of people that have formed an identity around their narrative, it is an afront to hear of others stories. It challenges the way they frame their pain to themselves, and they are forced to look at the collective. I have lost friends when my story was revealed and also when my Dad died. They just could not handle that their pain was no longer front and centre. Very rude awakenings indeed, but weeding out selfish people is not a bad thing despite the tears that follow. I owe my 5 yr old self that much at least. I hear what you say about clinical psychologists. I almost gave up about 10 years ago but found a winner. I find the ones with the least education and experience are more likely to force you to drill and dredge down into the abuse story. As far as I am concerned that is just not sensible.

I'm so glad your kids are snuggly joeys, we are too! Mum didn't know what to make of it.

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Corn,

You poor thing you didn’t stand much of a chance with mental illnesses for both your Mum and Dad. That is quite a load that you have had to carry, hugs.

Even though your Dad was abusive his death must have sent you for a bit of a spin at the time, how are you coping now. Is your Mum coping these days? I can’t imagine schizophrenia being any fun to have. or deal with. My goodness ECT in the 60’s would have been horrific, how scary for you to have had to deal with it L

My parents if they were my parents (oh so complex) were definitely nutty, probably depression and alcoholism and some other weird stuff.

You’re right of course it is good that the ECT has changed and is helpful for people when all else fails. I didn’t know about the NSW legislation or the Ketamine trail, must read up. Getting out of the black hole is bloody hard, so whatever works!

My partner is stuck with his bestie GAD and so does all he can to make his life easier. He tries at the level he can.

I know about losing friends, partly because I am a bit hopes at maintaining friendships. I don’t tend to admit to my depression issues, because as you’ve said it doesn’t go down well. When I confessed to a very dear friend, she walked out of the room and pretended I’d said nothing. I think she couldn’t cope since her husband (deceased – heart attack) had depression problems too.

Corn I don’t think we can compare, everyone has a story and their pain and the effect of that pain is individual. I try not to compare. Once in a psych ward I saw someone fall apart over the dark circles under her eyes, obviously not the real reason. But for her the most horrid thing ever and they caused her issues. I’ve seen friends live in horror for decades because they saw their brother naked. Whatever the reason it messed with their lives.

Your story dear Corn is a tragedy and should never have happened. Despite your monk like existence you must have some amazing inner strength. Kudos dear one. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being the amazing person you despite all odds.

Hugs, xx

[Cornstarch]

Hi Wedneday, yes, of course my Dad's death did put us all in a spin, it's what tipped my nervous system up into PTSD land instead of remaining in generalised anxiety. Mum found him and it was gruesome, so with the stats on people with schizophrenia and their own rate of suicide, which is one of the highest, you can imagine where my head space was; that she will be next.

No, schizophrenia is very hard to deal with for Mum, she drew the short straw there. 100s of years of discrimination and mythology around madness cannot be easy for her to process.

All mental illness has stigma but nothing tops schizophrenia as far as I am concerned. The hierarchy of illnesses is such that I have read posts on here from people who are depressed or have Bipolar, admitted to hitting people they love with what sounds like quite a regularity, and talk down at the 'schizo's', as if they are better than them, and their certain flavour of illness deems them more human. Schizophrenia only receives media attention when someone with the illness has acted violently, so that's how the illness is perceived. My Mum is like a puppy, but unfortunately the stigma follows the offspring, so being a descendent from madness has been really hard for my siblings and I.

It sounds like your friends resilience was not high enough that she could cope with anyone else discussing depression because of her husbands. That's such a shame, it could have been a way to connect instead of a divide. I mean it's not like you were asking her to look after you! But your own husband has his own wonky nervous system to contend with and is doing his best.

Re: your hospital experience, I guess the same way that suffering is not an even spread throughout the human population, either is resilience. Some people can experience child abuse or neglect that is down the low end of the scale and it completely derails them, or unravels dormant biochemistry setting off a mental health condition that doesn't seem to fit the severity of the abuse. It guess that's what the scientific mystery is we all need answers for.

In western culture there is so much emphasis on left brain intelligence, when the reality is emotional intelligence plays a huge part in these sorts of matters we've discussed. Emotional intelligence and adaptability is not even across everyone. It really shows when therapy is conducted in group settings, even if everyone has the same diagnosis, who stands out from who.

Fascinating stuff.

Enjoy the sun xx

[Wednesday]

Oh dear Corn, how awful for your family, I guess death always takes us by surprise but to find someone you love in
such circumstances is awful. Of course your head would have immediately worried about your mum and any action she may take, so incredibly difficult for you and your sibs.

I know little about schizophrenia I understand some people can recover(?) but I feel for those with any mental illness. I so hope that your mum is being well looked after with any treatment she is receiving. Does getting older help or make it worse for her? We still have so very far to go before it can be seen and talked about as just another blip of being human.

The world we live in is our normal, which I guess is why some put down schizophrenia and see it as less of an issue than other diseases. My normal has made me tough in some ways, it is hard to shock me but a little dissociation doesn’t hurt from time to time (grin).

However did you and your sibs manage with your parents the way they were? As a child I guess it was your normal. You seem to love your mum and I don’t sense any anger toward her, your dad maybe another matter. I haven’t seen my caregivers for around 30 years and don’t seem to have any feelings about them. I say and believe that they did the best they could with the tools they had available. However, I don’t need them in my life.

A lovely woman I once knew was bi-polar and often went off her meds. I loved her to bits only meeting her as an adult. Her well educated children treated her disgustingly. They were angry at what they wen t through as children because of her. She has an amazing story and managed to accrue quite a bit of money after the age of 45, which she readily handed out to her adult children.
...

[Wednesday]

... Arrr yes I agree, as I so often do with you Sweetcorn, we need to pay much more attention to the whole brain! Emotional intelligence, is so underrated. If when I was at worked I was perceived to use my EQ rather than IQ I was jumped upon and downgraded as not logical. I wonder if I had worked in a more female dominated environment if that would have been different? My partner is very left brained. Years ago I did a test one of the ones work sends you to too work out how useful you are to them. At the end of the test you were given a four quadrant graph with a triangle on it showing your strengths, in my group they mostly came out in the top right corner. I didn’t have a triangle but a diamond spreading across all quadrants. The facilitator was impressed but work wasn’t!

Your other point about dormant chemistry is of great interest to me. The work undertaken by the genome and Human Epigenome projects fascinates me and has supplied some good beginnings of answers.

The sun was lovely, hope you had some too.

Hugs,xx

[Cornstarch]

Yes, Wednesday children of the mentally ill often walk away, it tears families apart because when it's a mother there is a lot of unintentional neglect. My father was a narcissist through and through. It's all about them, controlling people at home whilst maintaining a grandiose sense of their own pain and suffering at all times. Disingenuous energy vampires who prey on soft souls to leach power from in order to elevate their fragile ego.

As you say it is my normal. And as such, 'I have seen it all'. I have seen the grey, and that means that your life experiences can often bang up against pleas for the passionate cause. For example this one. I am certain people must think me whacked. I have seen threats of self harm and suicide used as artillery in domestic relationships to control a partner. Yep.

So you can imagine how my line of questioning goes down, when it is immediately assumed that everyone with a mental illness is a nice person. Not with me. There are abusers hiding behind the passionate cause and using it to their advantage as a smoke screen to garner support. They hate me. No abusive person likes to be sprung.

Enjoy your 'thinking time'. I'm a Forest Gumper. Head off by myself, in my own energy in nature somewhere. I was punished if I didn't put my father first so just to self regulate I have to get into the wild outdoors to feel safe. Weird isn't it.

The weather is glorious but it's making my runs so much harder! The mad Irish are not built for it.

xxx

[Wednesday]

Dear Corn,

Your upbringing must have been very difficult. Your poor Mum struggling with her illness in a time when it wasn't well managed or understood. Your Dad, well what can I say, I guess he had his own illness, it must have been a sad and frustrating life for him too. How did the poor little Corn cope with such a stressful life? Is that when you started running to find some peace?

I think my ex was a narcissist or maybe a socio path. Either way I may possibly have a little understanding of some of what you went through, including the suicide threats. He was quite a piece of work. Fortunately I have moved so often that he can't seem to find me any more, phew.

Of course as with all groups there are going to be the nasties. I like to believe that most people are okay and doing the best they can with the tools they have got.

My thinking time out helped a bit.

Hugs, xx

[Cornstarch]

Thanks Wednesday it was extremely stressful and I suppose that is why I ended up in hospital this year. It's so hard to know where you sit in relation to everyone else because you don't know any different. Also, I come from a very middle class family so I was indoctrinated to pretend that I was Ok and not struggling. In some ways being in hospital was validating but also devastating. Validating because doctors who have worked with thousands of patients can give you a sense of where you're at. No one wants to hear that they are a "chronic" case of PTSD and Dissociation I wanted to float in denial for a little longer. It was also devastating to hear that I was at the top end of the neglect/abuse/trauma scale. Obviously guilt, shame and embarrassment amongst the elders of my tribe hit home and there has naturally been a lot of tension. In lots of ways I am being retraumatised by them. But you can't change people. I've always been the black sheep, they are deeply conservative and the way they cope with emotion is so different to my innate personality that I feel like I arrived in a spaceship or something.

I feel so much pressure to not feel like a victim but then I have days when I feel acutely like a victim. It's horrible, I know it's unattractive but some days I have to be allowed to say it sucked and it was really hard! And then I have to deal with the judgment from others because we do feel like a freak show family at times. It hurts.

I really feel for you and your domestic violence situation! It is such a grey, taboo subject area because it clashes with the much needed passionate cause around prevention.

It is quite simply so depressing living with someone that says they don't want to live, and yet I can understand how someone gets there! I suppose that's why I'm referred to as a "complex" case. I've been on both sides, I've seen the horror and the grey where it slips into abuse. God it is just a mine field isn't it!! The poor doctors trying to deal with the complexity! It must be so hard judging who is who and what is what.

My head spins!

Take care Wednesday thank you for your kindness

🌽🌽🌽