I am not a Nutcase I am a Hipster

[Cornstarch]

Corny's health is buckling under an immense weight and she's signing off of the forums.

I keep having to peel more and more layers back as my dissociation continues to fragment and terrifying memories resurface.

Actually underneath it is quite literally reliving a nightmare. My nervous system was built on quicksand and I was never given a deep reservoir to draw upon. I wish I had because my nature is to help.

But there's only so much helping one little Corn-dog can do.

I am so frustrated with my ignorance and lack of education right now with regard to dissociation. I suppose we should always be careful what we wish for, but it is a very mis-understood symptom.

I don't own a car, I don't own a television, and now I have to restrict my non-work internet use to 45mins a week if that, and stay outside as much as possible.

It's official, I am now - a Hipster

Heirloom Corn of Sun and Sea.

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

Thanks, it's good to hear from you. Perceptive Nick (Wantalife) hit the nail on the head when he said that your post spoke volumes about your caring nature.

I know we all want to protect those who mean a lot to us. But staying in that bubble of yours surely must be very painful and lonely. Then again, I'm not you so what would I know...still, I would think its not easy. And yes, I know, you're trying to protect your family.

Your doctor sounds like a real blessing. I'm so glad you have him in your support corner.

Hey, that's awesome. Doing the best you can is awesome. Trying when you're struggling is awesome.

You're a really beautiful person, you know that right? Nick sees it too, it seems...

Super duper virtual hug,

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Wednesday]

Hi Corny,

Yes I changed my picture. It's a lovely memory of a time now gone. I can't recall the name of the body of water but remember it was oversees and a beautiful ride. I don't /can't ride anymore.

Dear one how are you feeling now? Do you mind if I ask why you have to stay outside and why your personal internet time is 45mins?

I know that feeling of peeling an onion and finding something even nastier under there. Disassociation seems like quite a reasonable way of dealing with things we simply cannot handle. You must of had a horrid time of it. I'm sorry that you had to put up with such a beastly things in your life, you didn't deserve or ask for it. It was not your fault.

I love you're doctors approach and the way he fights for his patients!

Don't let the beasties get you. You're too talented, intelligent and compassionate a person to let them win. We are here for you.

Hugs (I hope hugs are okay), xx

[Cornstarch]

Hi Wednesday,

Thank you for your kindness. It sounds like you have your own stuff to contend with and your partner wanted to hang with Corn-dog on the anxiety spectrum. Welcome Mr Wednesday!

We're a funny crew. It's not easy to be around someone on the anxiety spectrum. It's nuts actually. And frustrating! It makes no logical sense to be scared for nothing and yet your nervous system malfunctions just to tease you and make you feel weak.

Despite my juvenile attempts at pathological denial I was given something to be scared about unfortunately. The sort of something you never forget, hence why I live like a monk. I was raped at gun point in my early childhood and lets just say that it was perfectly executed by a man machine, his training really paid off, and it was funded by the Australian government i.e.: he was a soldier. It was just too boring coming home, war games are far too exciting. No-ones offered me a medal though, ANZAC day makes me feel sick. Sorry Australia.

Yes, you're right. Dissociation was the appropriate adaptation. But it's easy to lose sight of yourself. I can't see any strength in myself when my PTSD is going berserk. I presented at a hospital this month and the Dr said that I was the first patient to ever present to him with a case of chronic PTSD that did not initially present with alcohol or drug addiction and that I should be proud of myself. It was sweet of him to try and make me feel less like a freak show but it didn't lessen my frustration and sadness over what's happened, and the ramifications to me and my life.

It hasn't sunk in yet how lucky I am with my shrink. I think I'm in a bit of shock that he doesn't just want to palm me off because it is expedient and less of a hassle. He had to attend one of those 'round table discussions' they have with colleagues/experts, where they all discuss your case and bring their own area of expertise to your symptom profile. Doctors are extremely competitive with one another and with my family history I thought history would repeat itself, and I would only be seen through the lens of my parents mental illnesses. But it seems I have scored myself a 'rebel'. It fits me perfectly. I'm the black sheep through and through and I needed someone who questions established processes and beliefs. As far as I'm concerned doctors were first trained to be medical scientists, and scientists know that there is such a thing as an anomaly, I'm not just a by-product of my parents. Inconvenient though.

[Wednesday]

Dear Sweetcorn,

Thank you for your openness, I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. Severe anxiety is so unfair, where are those magic wands?

I was so angry when I read your man machine story (not at you) what a beastly, horrid man. How dare he treat you that way, such a nasty, pathetic, bully of a human being, grrr. I am so sorry that you had to go through such a horrendous experience and of its longer term impact on your precious life. Australia owes you an apology, your reaction to ANZAG day is a very fair reaction.

As for disassociation it took me decades to get to a point that when things got icky I didn’t just disappear. I am sure you are doing the very best you can, don’t be too hard on yourself. Baby steps. Of course it would be much easier to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. Kudus to you for managing this far without doing so. You are not only a star but so very smart Sweetcorn, which of course comes with its own range of problems, like easily seeing through other people. Intelligence is sometimes an inconvenient gift.

The doctor you found at the hospital is gold and it’s reassuring that there are those that use the brain in their head. It is so hard to trust people once your trust has been so badly damaged. You are doing so well to have gone to the hospital and also manage a relationship with the doctor. I like that he has a rebellious nature and is someone who will fight for you.

I know what you mean about how counsellors can easily get caught up in your family/upbringing, it frustrates me enormously. I get that mine was odd (to others, normal to me) but since I have, in a funny way, come to terms with at least a part of it I don’t want to keep revisiting it! I also like my black sheep status.

Dear Sweetcorn, don't let that beastie win. This is your life I loved to see that you are angry and fighting. We are all a little mad but don't doubt that others will love you for the amazing person you are.

Good luck with your new doctor. I look forward to reading more of your adventures.

Hugs, x

[Cornstarch]

Thanks so much Wednesday for your kind words.

Having something to say about Australian icons tends to be a show stopper. Kinda on my own with that one. Colonial countries have some sort of anaemic, absurd desire to form an identity around war. Our Australian Aboriginals might contest that this is some what distasteful. White wars are honourable apparently.

Childhood rape is a sensitive topic as you can imagine, just read the news or watch the TV.

With the Royal Commission, it is front and centre at the moment in one part of our society anyway. But it is rampant in middle class suburbia don't you worry! iPads, rugby and school blazers aside.

I am not detached or lacking personal/human insight to be able to acknowledge what a heavy, leaden topic it is, and one that would rather be swept under the carpet. I know it can clear a room. I'm not blind!

But sometimes uncomfortable conversations have to be had. And at the end of the day for every person that shuns me, says nothing, or acts weird, there are 8 other people that go Psssttttttt.......Corny........can I tell ya 'bout mine and what happened when I was little. Maybe that is a little victory. Who knows.

Navigating the mental health system is a minefield. As you say when trust has been shattered at a tender age, regaining that is......interesting. But I try to refrain from negativity. The fact of the matter is that there are plenty of health professionals with direct, lived experience of child abuse and they are just as mortified as us!

I almost gave up on finding a clinical psychologist, I was that disheartened and cynical almost a decade ago.......and then I struck gold! With my new shrink I guess time will tell, but I trust my gut, and me thinks I am really lucky.

Wednesday, what's your opinion on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday??? Does it give you the oozing woozy creeps? Or were ya born on a Wednesday? Or, you just like hump day.

[Wednesday]

Hello Sweetcorn,

Umm, I bet if the people who stop the show have not had your experiences with the Australian Defence force, or they may be saying something quite different. What is that, saying about ignorance is bliss, bah humbug. You are not on your own. I struggle with celebrating war to, it’s not good for me to think too hard about it because my brain starts losing the plot.

I worked as an external in Defence for a few years. The stories I could tell. There is something about the training that switches off brains and makes excuses. In army they are taught to act on orders and not question, which means don’t think. I spoke to a young RAAF female soldier who had been treated very badly by some men but first she was chased down a runway by a plane!

I’m one of those Corny that has my own sexual abuse story from when I was little so understand the damage it can and has done. WE have to be incredibly brave to live our lives and not let the perpetrators win. It is far too common and always has been. Someone should have been there for both of us to stop what happened, we should have been protected.

I’ve never spoke openly about my abuse more recently I mentioned it on the forum.There is so much and on so many different levels that counts as sexual abuse. It’s not fair to recklessly damage a life because of your lack of education, immaturity, sense of entitlement or whatever, it is just not right. Thank you for speaking out about your truly horrible experience, I admire your courage.

I have everything crossed, (it makes it hard to function tho) that your Dr Gem continues to be your very best ally on your journey.

Simple, Wednesday was just the day I joined, all the other names I tried had been taken so Wednesday was it.

Hugs, x

[Cornstarch]

Oh Wednesday, I'm sorry you're one of the club.

It's a big club isn't it.

You don't have to talk openly about it if you don't want to and if anyone pressures you tell them to bugger off. Sometimes it is a very wise decision to remain contained. Western psychology is obsessed with dredging when the reality is that our society has undergone such immense change that we no longer have communal support to enable that to be therapeutic. Dredging may be OK if we still had communal grieving practices, group recognition of pain and loss and still sung and danced and cooked together. Maybe then we could explore our wounds more vigorously.

But we live in little boxes, cut off form one another so I suggest that a lot of people should just try to remain as grounded as they can be. Our nervous systems need high amounts of social contact and this is lacking desperately, making it almost dangerous in my opinion to go lifting lids off of boxes with monsters inside. If you have a disabled loved one you will see the effects of social isolation on the human psyche.

And yes, there are many different types, gradations of abuse. But something that is common across all abused people is that no matter what happened everyone goes through stages of down playing it. It's just the brains/minds way of attempting to titrate the shock, horror and confusion. So whatever happened to you just remember that we all compare. Denial is like lead in our bodies decades later, because we then have to examine our primary caregivers and that in itself can be very destabilising.

I hope that your partner is supportive. I think it's great that modern medicine is working for you, meet people for which it is not and you will feel lucky. I met a lovely young 21 year old women who has tried 15 different ADs since she was about 14, the only thing that works is ECT. I feel so bad for her. It's just a swinging door or relapse after relapse.

There are only certain wars we celebrate, generally ones in which white people died.

Corn cakes xx

[Guest_322]

Corny, Wednesday...you're both amazing. Little consolation (or none at all to be 100% honest) for what you've been through but the 2 of you really are amazing. I just wanted you to know that.

Dottie xxxxxxx

[therising]

So happy to hear when someone strikes gold in regard to finding the right psychologist. Trying to find some sort of guiding light can be a bit like searching for the holy grail, wondering the whole time whether such a thing exists (I remember well). There are some amazing people out there and then there are the 'shirt and tie' folk who sit behind a desk, symbolic of the great divide (between them and you). When you sense a 'click' with someone it's a truly wonderful thing.

In regard to the armed forces, I'm not a great fan to begin with when it comes to some of their ideals. My nephew joined the army about 5 years back and lasted only a handful of months before being injured in training. Being let go by the army messed him up terribly (with him becoming deeply depressed). They typically take someone and change their identity; they go from the average Joe to 'hero, protector, strong, capable, champion of the people, etc' and this is what the uniform symbolises for them. They are trained to believe in their own supremacy. Once they're dumped they are nothing, weak, incapable human beings (or so they come to believe). My nephew is a fairly sensitive kid so perhaps him leaving prematurely was a blessing in some way.

Society teaches us so much symbolism, so many contrived and often false beliefs and often about our self. In reality (I believe) some of the greatest of warriors and the truest of heroes in this world are those who fight a battle against their mind in a quest to seek the truth. Whilst the deepest of pain often comes from fighting the lies we tell our self, liberation comes from unlearning much of what society has taught us to begin with.

And to any survivor of horrific abuse, it is the action/s of some weak (minded) and non-evolved sociopathic criminal that may be causing you to question your own strength. In fact you are a warrior of the bravest caliber fighting a psychological battle which has taken the lives of many. No person should be left to doubt your strength, no person!

xxx

[Cornstarch]

Gosh I don't know what to say.