How to start again?

[Fallen_apart]

How do you find some direction and purpose in life after it all crumbles?

Had a decent life up till a couple of years ago, mid 30s, job, Mrs, home etc about to get married have kids etc. Kept my anxiety and depression under control for the most part without a Doctor.

Hurt my back, lost my job, career, my grip on my mental health, my fiancé and future and feels like pretty much my entire identity, and it all seemed to escalate with each different class of meds my doctor tried over two years.

I am stuck in a cycle of depression and anxiety and a crippling loneliness that prevents me even thinking of anything that I could want/hope/dream/plan/think/do/enjoy.

Everything I worked towards was stripped away and I can't even daydream about any sort of future beyond this. Its almost a year on my own and I can't see a way forwards.

A lot of people laugh I know I should have it relatively easy- single guy, no kids, still got a house so far, don't drink or do crack.

But iv lost my purpose and identity. How do I find that again when I don't even know what it is?

[Fallen_apart]

Thanks again Isabel Sabrina,

I know its a pretty familiar story for a lot of people.

All of the things you described were true for both me and her, but I've had no relief from it. Occasionally I see an upside but its usually fleeting. I'd love to be friends and hope I can be one day, but for now it hurts far too much for too many reasons.

You hear of those people that serve a life sentence and rob the nearest servo a week later to go back to what they know and I can sympathize.

I guess it comes down to living in the moment, which is something i had always heard but never understood until now. I got caught up in a fantasy world of future plans and watched life go by.

I'm still the slug trying to figure out what leaves to eat but I'm more hopeful of getting there knowing it's a well worn path.

And yes I can make an extremely entertaining patient to a psychologist, although I'd rather think of my username as more of a work of art that's fallen off its hook rather than a broken egg wearing lipstick.

🙂

[Fallen_apart]

Hi therising,

Thanks for writing, you made a lot of good points which I have been grappling with for a while.

Having not had much experience with either, its fair to say I was pretty much indifferent to someone in my situation. "We are all the master of our own destiny" is something I probably would have said and its true. I have let myself down by giving up, its what got me here.

I'm the lowest achiever in a family of high achievers. Theirs is a fairly uncompromising "get what you deserve" kind of view of the world which although holds some weight life isn't so black and white.

i have felt stuck between these two worlds for a long time and am learning to back myself more.

I did set the mark unsustainably high as far as my goals etc, and forgiving myself is a learning curve.

Thank you for pointing out the unlearning process. I feel its something I have known all along but didn't have a word for.

Thank you for your insight

[therising]

Hi Fallen apart

Moving forward by giving yourself release from the expectations of others is the sign of a true master; you are on a learning curve to mastery. It sounds like you have much to teach others in regard to their uncompromising view of life (the black and white thing).

By the way, I find it to be such a shame how the word 'disappointment' has lost its original meaning, from some way back. Like forgiveness, it is another way of us viewing our release from expectation: We are given so many appointments (by others as well as ourselves) in regard to the roles we are to play in life, yet we are rarely taught how to handle the disappointment process, especially when it involves being removed from an appointment we loved. Yes, one of the original meanings - 'no longer filling/accepting an appointment or a particular role'. Technically, the unlearning aspect of life is filled with disappointment. Through unlearning, we are free to take on new roles.

The question becomes 'Exactly which roles do I wish to now take on?', in regard to purpose and direction. Out of curiosity, would be interesting to know who you wanted to be in the earlier part of your life. Sometimes, when we travel a little way back in time, we find hints of our most authentic self (the hero, the leader, the carer, the natural born singer or performer etc). There, back in time, we can find roles we should have never let go of, ones we can embrace again in a whole new way.

Take care of yourself as you battle against the cruel chemistry and mindset in depression. The role of 'warrior' can be an exhausting one.

[therising]

Hi Fallen apart

About a half hour has lapsed between now and my last post and I have no idea what has just led me to ask you this but did you ever toy with the idea of being and 'inventor' of sorts at any stage of your life? A bit of a seriously weird question I know but I just had to ask out of sheer curiosity. I might have missed it but was also curious to know what trade you qualified in (if you don't mind me asking), perhaps the 2 are connected in some outside the square kind of way. By the way, inventors are known to be brilliant lone wolf type people and outside the square is definitely a liberating place to be, yet a challenging place to get to at times.

[Agronomy101]

How are you today?

[Fallen_apart]

Hi the rising,

I'm a butcher by trade and never been very handy at anything else. I didn't want to be anything or anyone in particular as a kid, looking back. I just wanted to be a free spirit doing whatever made me happy. I didn't even know what that was back then either.

I'm an ideas man usually, but the execution leaves me lacking, if there is even any to begin with.

Interesting thoughts on disappointment too. I guess it comes back to everything being a matter of perspective and how one chooses to see things.

thanks

[Fallen_apart]

Hi agronomy,

Thank you so much for asking. Not that I really know how to answer that definitively.

I have been trying to think positive and motivate myself all week to better my situation as I realise I am the only one who can do so.

Peaks and troughs though. I'm trying not to over think things, or think too far ahead and just go along with things I can't steer in my favour.

I'll admit seeing my ex fiance on an online dating app using photos I took on the weekend we got engaged has crushed me today though. Its the only time I have cried this week(besides after dropping off a job application)

Its not the first time that's happened and ultimately I can't hold it against her for moving on with her life as I'm trying to do.

But it always comes out of the blue and pulls my focus from the road ahead to the fiasco that is and was and its hard to readjust that thinking back after such a nasty rattling.

Putting it out there helps though, I really appreciate you asking.

I hope things are looking brighter for you.

[JimmyEff]

So I'm going to be another one of those, 'wow, you're situation is so much like mine'! Mid 30's, lost my marriage because I had become someone else due to the depression. I spent nearly half my life with her. I don't have children, which you'd think was a blessing. But sometimes I wish we had, so that I had the companionship. Someone who might look up to me and love me.

But now we're all here alone and trying to figure ourselves out when we're at our lowest. It's oddly comforting knowing that I'm not the only one... Maybe we can try help each other out 🙂

[Fallen_apart]

Hi jimmyeff

Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation, I don't wish it on anyone.

Seems to be a pretty common story though, and I definitely hear ya on the children thing. Its a cause for a lot of hindsight and anguish on my part. Hers too, I should add.

But like you say it is comforting to know that other people go down the same road and pull through ok, and that they are willing to share their advice and story like a lot have here already.

I hope it helps somehow and don't hesitate to add any thoughts you might have, I've found help seems to come from the unlikeliest places.

Cheers mate

[smallwolf]

Fallen Apart,

Just checking in to see how you are going? You OK?

Tim