How do you control the highs?

[Dennis38]

To day started out good, woke up, which is always a plus in my book, got to spend a little time with my wife before she went to work, had a good walk with the dog, was generally speaking in a good mood. Had lunch, watched a good movie, and now I am sinking fast into a depression, I know how to fix this "little" issue and I will, its a simple matter of taking the dog for another walk and more than likely despite the physical pain the brain will kick itself back into a good mood. Of late this has been an on going thing, up one minute, could be a few hours, then down in the dumps the second minute, hell yesterday I went from happy to sad to pissed off to super happy again, all with in a half hour then back to what ever my normal is, I prefer to think of it as in the middle ground.

Normally I can control the mood swings, they are part of my life, heck I can almost predict them, and some days I can stop them simply by avoiding my triggers, but the last week or so I have had no warnings, in some odd way I can handle the down swing better then the upswing.  Part of this I think is because of the stat class I am taking for my MBA that has me a little stressed out, wont admit that to the wife who says I am stressing out, I just can't admit to a woman that she is right, goes against the grain and she might get a big head, only room in this house for one ego and mine is big enough! And of course the no work thing is driving me a little nuts, and have the inlaws coming over for the weekend they are going to a monster truck rally and saddling the wife with our great niece who is only 2, and I say saddle my wife because she is the one that will be looking out for the munchkin!

AH joy the upswing is happening as I write this long post simply because a good song came on so now I will be super high pretty damn soon, I think the main reasons I hate the highs is that I can stop how fast or how high I climb, then of course there is the screaming crash and burn after the super high. So a question for anyone that can answer it or have any ideas, how do you control the highs? The lows I know about, took a while but I can keep myself from getting too low, the highs though I have no clue how to stop and they scare me, and I think it scares the wife because when I am high I am laughing to the point of crying over the littlest thing, and I can't stop until the brain kicks my legs out from under me then I crash and man that crash is physicaly and mentally hard!

Any ways going to go walk the dog in hopes it will kick the brain back into neutral or at least get myself moving forward!

Wish you all the best in fighting the beast and remember there are people out there that can help if you are willing to put your hand out!

[amamas]

Hey Dennis how are you doing? 

Man I soooo relate to some of the things you mention!!  I have been in super super low most of the time since October 1999.  However for the past 2 weeks I "seem" to have turned a corner (fingers crossed).  The highs - oh man!  I call them joygasms they are so amazing!!  I want them to last forever!!  But the dread and fear that my next low may not be around the next corner but somewhere the beast lurks always.  I hate that!

My question is are they worth it?  When I'm in my joygasm time I think this is so incredible I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Is it better to be a stable middle of the road person emotionally & mentally?  Or do these joygasms make the hellish times worthwhile?

I don't have any answers just your post got me typing what I've been pondering on for a while.  Be interested to hear your thoughts.

Cheers, take care, amamas

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Dennis,

It's not the highs and lows per day that seem unfathomable although there is much difficulty in navigating these times.  In my opinion it is the DAILY highs and lows (especially with bipolar) that grind me down, trigger or no trigger.   I know I will die bipolar - there is no real release from this.    For depression there may be some respite between relapses but with bipolar if you out of a depressive mode then 9 out of 10 times you're back in a manic scramble.   The Yo Yo never runs out of string.

If you told someone that a brick would be placed on their head for some of the day and that an aeroplane would lower  hook into your left ear and apply pressure for the rest of the day then maybe they would get the bipolar angle.    Sometimes you can actually have that manic feeling AT THE SAME TIME as the depression.   But, at the end of the day, any feeling would be better than using a computer in a library to send stuff (my current scenario). 

There are 42 children ready for their story activity and it will no doubt be an obstacle course over prams and strollers to exit.  But then once I exit I will be finished whereas in bipolar there would be another forty years of prams and strollers to jump over and dive around. 

How many wicker prams does it take to make a basket case ?  Where is my moderating Ninja to enable me better access to my mind and my direction ?

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Dennis, I'm not privy to the highs and lows which you and others have, the only highs I had were caused by alcohol, some were fake and some geniune, but then I went to bed and when I woke up I was back to normal, and normal at that stage was being depressed.

I know in my case that a massive low would occur if we had to go somewhere, even to an AFL game which the boys and my ex wanted me to go with them, because that would mean that I couldn't drink alcohol, and as this was my security blanket it would then make me very agitated, on edge and very uncomfortable, so 9/10 I refused.

The other time this low would happen is when we were invited out to places where these guys eye googled and pay all their attention to my ex.

It's interesting that you say that you would be super high from a song that you loved, as I was the opposite, and I would cry when it played.

This is amazing how all of us differ, and when we go and see the psych. they would expect somebody to answer a question by the text book, but instead somebody says the opposite, this must make them switch on the panic button. Geoff.

[Dennis38]

Howdy amamas

Yesterday was a better day for me thankfully, but to answer your question, to me the super highs are not worth it. The reason Is the crash afterwards, the best way I can describe the crash is to compare it to a caffine rush. You drink two energy drinks and you are flying high, running around getting zillions of things done, but then all of a sudden the caffine disappers and cuts your legs out from under you.

To me that is what the super highs do, they make you feel really really good, I like your word of joygasm by the way, but when then that feeling just suddenly and most of the time with out warning just drops out from under you, leaving you to crash hard into the bottom of that pit, then you have to claw your way back out of it. To me personally I want a middle ground, neighter too happy nor too sad that is how a human should function, basically being in control of themselves and with the manic side there is no control. Hope you have a great day amamas!

David, I understand about having the manic feeling at the same time as depression I have had that a time or two and to me that is worse, I would rather deal with just one aspect at a time instead of dealing with both that to me is when I am at my most dangerous to ME. As to how many wicker prams it takes to make a basket case, for me its one! Mothers and prams UGG lol and nothing wrong with being a basket case once in a while, it can actualy be rather fun. Hope you have a great day!

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Amamas, Dennis and Geoff,

My brain found a memory on escalating mania.   I did the usual pre-emptive strike of seeking a psychiatric admission.    At the time I could just pick it really clearly and family would detect the change instantly.  I must have being about to lose control but when the psychiatrist at the mental hospital assessed me she said something that I have never understood to this day (or even tomorrow):

"You seem calm at the moment but that's because psychiatric patients have the ability to mask mania and appear normal".  

I was sent home, went on a buying spree of thousands, even bought 3 cars, destroyed my family with lots of irritation, frustration, abuse and generally got picked up by the Police 2 days later wandering around the streets totally confused and with escalating mania.   On return to the same psychiatrist for a 2nd assessment she then said:

"You were probably faking those behaviours - I've seen your sort before". 

Eventually the Police took her aside and coerced an admission out of her.   All the time I felt like I was guilty of possibly faking a manic episode and not really having bipolar for so many years.  It wasn't helpful to anyone. On leaving the Police joked that the pyschiatrist should be the one to be locked up and get treatment.  I was in Woody Allen meets Texas Chainsaw Masacre meets One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest without a paddle or enough change for a bagel with cream cheese.

End of brain snap memory.  Sorry, Dennis, didn't mean to kidnap the thread.  But my point is it's not only the illness that's the problem.  Do you concurr ?

Adios, David.

[Dennis38]

Hey Geoff,

First the lows you talk about I understand very well though I have never had the addiction that you had/have (my uncle says once a recovering alcoholic always a recovering alcoholic, and he should know he is one) I think the booze would make it a bit harder, you see with me I just have to fight one beast, those that are recovering addicts I think have it twice as bad.

Now as to the songs when I am fighting myself to stay stable a sad song will have me balling my eyes out, or a really happy bouncy song will have me hyper as,  At least with my mind I "normaly" do not have to worry about a craving that is so strong that it drives me batty. And truth be told I can handle the lows better then highs. Not really sure why that is though.

Now then David, no worry about the high jacking of the thread I do not see that at all, I do some what agree with you about the illness not being the only problem, some times its the "Professionals" that can be part of the problem , now keep in mind not all of them are quacks. Though the very first prof that I went to listened to me for five minutes then said I would be a great candidate for ECT, I got up said check please and went right out and got another person.

Unfortintaly I have yet to meet anyone that can help me deal with the manic part, it doesn't happen often and I can not find a pattern or a trigger, so I avoid taking meds for it as its a once in a while thing, I just know that when its happening I try to stay indoors, and I normaly appolgize to everyone, even the dog, the next day for my loony behaviour.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mr Dennis,

Did you ever hear of the experiment showing altered states can largely go unnoticed until it's too late ?    Welcome to Science Module 4A but first remember to put on your lab coat, goggles and carry a clipboard at all times.  Lol.

Take one frog (normal).  Put it in a beaker of water.  Light the Bunsen burner underneath.  As the heat (simile for mania) increases the frog thinks "nothing much happening here - I can handle the heat adjustment and no one else really notices around me".  However, eventually the temp gets way too high and the frog, who has been unable to help himself due to the tempural creepage being ever so slight for a long time, basically dies after a bit of last minute thrashing about that now everyone notices.  It's an old science experiment.

With manic triggers you need to know when the burner is under your psyche and who lights the flame.   After quite a few manic admissions over the years I can now tell who the manufacturer is for the beaker, whether the flame is gas or nuclear fission and that I need to get out of the situation pronto before I am fried.   My brain actually goes "click" now when I am still in the escalation phase.  Most of the time the mania feeds on itself and all the bypass switches have been passed.

If you got off the roller coaster just before it went over the top of the hill you might still yearn for the disastrous excitement but at least you would be able to go on another ride.   You could walk to the psych hospital NOW or be taken with some Police involvement later.  I think part of us wills the worst to happen.  Like having the friends chip from his plate when we have our own chips.   It's kind of basic human nature to stir things up.  Mania is just this x 1,000,000.  Fun yet deadly.

Adios, David.

PS  To translate for Geoff - mania is a size 114 boot compared to your size 14. Lol.