Getting to the end of my tether

[Guest_032]

Sorry that I’ve made a number of new posts recently. I’m really struggling and at the point of not really knowing what to do next. My main issue is sleep, and I know the whole being on the computer isn’t helping, but I’ve been up for 4 hours now, done meditation, yoga, deep breathing, resting etc... so I really don’t think I’m going to get back to sleep. Plus I’m on iPad with the night time mode on, so trying to limit the blue light. Plus I need some form of support.

It's hard. I do fantasise about not being here anymore. But more in the way of not having these things on my shoulders anymore. There's no way I could actually go through with anything. At the moment I'm just so exhausted that it would feel amazing to go to sleep and never wake up. But in saying that. I want to - my kids, my boyfriend, my family, my friends. I have so many reasons to be here, and so many things that make me ‘happy’. I just feel that my anxiety and depression at the moment is robbing me of my joy. It’s taking the good out of my life and my feelings. I just want what I'm dealing with at the moment to stop. In a way being told by one of my psychologists that she feels things are related to stress makes me feel good. Means that hopefully if I can manage the stress and how I relate to it, deal with it etc. Then I might be able to get on top of all of this. Because it's all encompassing. I don't feel like a person. I just feel like I'm existing. Not even existing. Just there. I feel like positive emotions are out of reach. And when I do get them on the rare occasion, I feel too exhausted and frazzled to enjoy them.

Think I do really need to sort out a bit of a bare minimum. Most of my 'self care' has been using food to work through my feelings. Even now. Chocolate plays a big part. Helps to numb. Numb is almost positive, because it’s not so negative. I just feel like I'm in a ditch. In a pool that I can't get out of. It's exhausting to stay down here. My head doesn't seem to know what to do anymore. Especially being so sleep deprived. I find it so frustrating in a way. I’m usually a high achiever. Yet at the moment, sometimes having a shower is too much. I still try and put on that happy face at work so that I can get through the day. But even that’s starting to crack.

[Croix]

Dear Depanx~

I guess I can understand exactly what you are gong though and I'd like to offer two things.

The first was that in my case the symptoms were caused by anxiety conditions plus depression, and when those improved so did I. Trying to soldier on by myself did not work, in fact it made things worse. Competent medical care plus a supportive family all came together.You eat, I smoked. Same thing I suppose. Sleep was not good, broken plus nightmares.

So there is most definitely hope, I'm in a pretty good life now.

The other thing is the judgment trap. When one is well one expects normal performance, get up, go to work, pay the bill, look after the kids -and so on. When one is ill the trap is to judge yourself using the same standards, like a runner expecting good lap times with a broken leg. Inappropriate.

I would expect you will get back to being the competent high achiever you were, but just for now please use the appropriate standards. Getting out of bed is a triumph! A shower a victory, and so on. A mask (a self-destructive thing) seems a necessity.

You are right, you do need support. May I suggest if you are not already under treatment you go see your doctor and explain what is happening to you - it's the first step, and one I took. If you are under treatment it needs adjusting as it is ineffective. Though patience and trial and error I'm on the right meds and have had the right therapies. You can too.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Depanx,

I understand your frustration and our desire for a decent night's sleep. I find the more I think about wanting a great night's sleep the worse it is because my expectation is too high.

It is almost as though I am willing myself to have a perfect sleep, then when it doesn't happen I become angry and frustrated, more sleep deprived and desire sleep even more.

It sounds like you try lots of different things to try to help you to relax and unwind. Does it help you to write down what you are feeling stressed about? You could do this hours before bedtime so you have time to think of solutions, do some of your relaxation techniques, then head off to bed.

Some people enjoy a cup of warm milk before bed or have lavender drops on their pillow. Have you tried any things like this?

Wishing you all the best with a better sleep tonight.

Cheers from Doosl

[Guest_032]

Thanks so much. I definitely need to reduce my standards.

I love journalling, and it’s my goal to do it daily. Either verbally or actually writing it down.

I think I need to get more people on my side.

I’ve tried so many things for sleep. It’s driving me insane. Think I might see if I can try a different prescription tablet. I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve got doctor support which is great. I’m medicated. Though think I might look at talking to a psychiatrist, though will have to see how affordable that is, and how long I’ll have to wait.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_032~

Journalling is a great idea, it gives you pause to examine how you are and what has happened, a record if needed for your doctor, and at the same time something to look back to from the future. There you will see your strength and perseverance in hard times. I've done it in the past.

I have used psychiatrists for a very long time and it has suited me. Particularly at earlier times their ability to adjust my meds themselves straight away was a real plus. It took a long time to find the right regimen so that was just as well.

My apologies if you have been there already but I thought I'd mention this in case you have not:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/sleeping-well

which has a fair number of tips to improve sleep.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Guest_032

Thank you for trusting us with your story. It's so hard when it seems everything is going awry to get on top of life. Trying to make yourself sleep is usually counter-productive. My GP once suggested that when I could not sleep I should try to reconstruct a book I have read. Try to go through it chapter by chapter. It's a modern day take on counting sheep but requires more effort. I have found when I am tired that focussing on something totally different works wonders in sending me to sleep. I have never been a fan of sleeping pills because I don't think I get a good night's sleep, just chemically dazed.

Journaling is great. I always suggest you do not read earlier entries for a while and definitely do not change anything you have written. That way you have a record of how you felt at the time. I have been surprised with my writing how older entries differ from my memory of them. I tend to take the journal as accurate. It is a good way to look back and see how far you have come. And you will be able to see that after a while.

It may be helpful to see a psychiatrist. On the financial side the out of pocket expense is not usually more than paying a psychologist on a mental health plan. The advantage is that you can see this person as often as necessary instead of being limited to ten sessions. And of course there is the Medicare safety net provisions. A psychiatrist can of course prescribe medication and discuss various options which a psychologist cannot. I think psychologists do a great job but they are expensive for long term counselling. It's a pity Medicare does not reimburse them in the same way as other doctors.

Like Croix I also see a psychiatrist and find it helpful.

I presume you take an antidepressant medication from your comment. May I suggest you think about trying other options for sleep before relying on sleeping pills. Not sure how you meditate but I find I can easily fall asleep while meditating which I do not necessarily want to do. Try my suggestion above.

Fantasising about not waking up can be useful as it offers rest from pain. I'm sure you also realise it gives you rest from all your future life. So instead of daydreaming use the time to think about what you are going to do next, what it is you are avoiding thinking about.

Mary