Don't look back

[HA1]

Hi everyone!

Six months ago, soon after a after a career crisis, my wife convinced me to go to the GP - she knew all was not well. I did also, but was more focused on my need to go away that day to be alone and think things through.  However, we went to the GP and I ended up in hospital for the next four nights.  In hindsight, possibly the best decision I/we have made.  Also my previously unspoken feelings of sadness were now out in the open.  Maybe my loved ones now better understood the cause of everything they had put up with over a long period of time - I hope so. 

I have always been a loner – perhaps partially due to being target of bullying as a young boy.  Withdrawing socially equated to self-preservation.  As an adult, I remained that way with few friends of my own, and certainly none that I could talk to about how I was feeling, let alone meeting for a coffee and sharing a joke.  While people around me saw me as the ‘strong and silent type’, it was far from the truth.  Appearing strong, calm and collected was (I think now) a self-defence mechanism.  I did not want anyone to get too close to me – always on my guard, never trusting people, always looking for anonymity. In more recent years I also started to self-medicate with alcohol.

These days, every day is pretty much the same as the previous - lack of motivation and fatigue. Often I still need to be alone with my thoughts and going for long walks on the beach – sitting on a rock and contemplating what the future holds. Recovery is one step forward and two steps back.  I had a couple of reasonably good weeks, but then ‘it’ started creeping in again.  All the symptoms of a relapse were there. My medication has now been progressively increased to a point where, it is at its max.

On the whole, I am OK for now. I stopped drinking alcohol (6 months cold turkey) so that will help the meds to work better. My plan is to not look back, but to instead focus on the future. I am resigned to my fate of living with this illness probably for the rest of my life.  Having resigned myself to that fate, makes life somewhat easier, but not necessarily any happier. Happiness will come with time and patience.

Later this week I will be off on a holiday for two weeks - an opportunity to chill out and learn a little bit more about my illness, the practice of Mindfulness, and reading the book Silence of the Mind.  

Take care everyone,

K 

[Roachy]

Hey AOK,

One of the most positive things you can do is talk about how you're feeling. Whether it's a release on here or with someone you trust, talking will at least allow you to get it off your chest. It's very easy to remain isolated. It's where a lot of us are or have been.

It's tough to think that there might be a long path ahead of you but at least you're aware tha you have to travel it. For many, that step is very challenging to become mindful of. As you say, you're ready to practice Mindfulness, too, which is fantastic. It's such a wonderful way to accept thoughts will enter your mind but that they don't have to remain. 

I hope you have a wonderful time away and wish you the very best the road ahead. We're here for you, mate.

[Snoman]

AOK,

I am glad to hear you getting into Mindfulness.  I there is anything that will keep my from the black pit, that will be it.

Like you, I have accepted that my black dog (who I named Luka) will always tag along.  That doesn't mean Luka will bite me again or push me into the black pit.  I know he is there and I will have to remain aware and vigilant.

Do not accept that you will have to suffer this illness for the rest of your life.  Fight the dog into submission.  You have more stamina that he does, he just tells you that you don't.

Enjoy your holiday.

Sno

[HA1]

Thanks Roachy for your reply.  Your words are much appreciated.

Yes I agree that talking about it is so important.  I never did talk to anyone about anything that affected my health or well being, including GPs.  For example, I have been prone to high blood pressure.  Never consulted with GP - 'self medicated' with high level of fitness activities (gym, etc.) and it worked.  I did not need support from anyone - I could deal with it!!  I am now learning the hard way.

Yes looking forward to the first break since D day.

Cheers

K

[HA1]

Thank you Sno - it's a good feeling to get replies!!

I am sensing that I will take to mindfulness practice like a duck to water.  It does sound wonderful.  Lots of opportunity to practice over next few weeks.

Naming the black dog sounds good - saves me calling it "it".  

Look forward to talking more.

Regards

K

[HA1]

Hi

Over the last few months my dosage of ADs have increased from low to maximum dosage.  The psychiatrist advised that should there be no 'improvement' on the max dose, then alternatives will be explored(?). 

I should have started the new dosage three weeks ago but have been unable to bring myself to do so- don't know why.  Consequently, and contradictory to my psychiatrists 'direction' , I have stayed on a medium dose.  But I have now decided to finally start the increased dose tomorrow morning.  I am a bit anxious about this step and not sure of what to expect.

Not sure if this is a silly question, but what should I expect from this higher dose?  How will my body and/or head react?  The only significant change I experienced from previous increases was greater tiredness - a need to nap!

Does anyone have any insight on the side effects or changes that I might be expected to experience from going on a maximum dose of ADs?

take care,

K

[purelight]

Hi AOK, I am just now coming out of a horrible 3 months of depression and anxiety. I felt things would never improve even though I had experienced low times in the past.I had changed medications and saw minimal improvement. I was in constant conversation via text messaging with my psych as I had to wait a long time before I could see him. I went back to a psychologist to readdress CBT therapy.I have found out I may be vitamin deficient and have been for a while taking zinc, vit B, magnesium amongst other things.I had a hair analysis done and discovered that the copper levels in my system were high and zinc low. This is not a good combination for someone who is prone to depression or anxiety.But I have now slowly seen signs of real improvement. It seems so long since I have felt nearly "normal" So hang in there AOK because I waited a long time but there now appears to be light at the end of the tunnel. Like others have said, we understand the long lonely journey but also know that recovery can and will take place. Thinking of you x

[HA1]

Hi Purelight

thank you for your reply and words of encouragement.  Tomorrow will be interesting!

Saddened to hear that you have been going through such a difficult time - one thing after another it seems.  But great news that things are starting to look good for you - well done!  

I am starting to wonder what feeling 'normal' really means - how to judge whether I in fact feel better today than yesterday.  Anyway, I will hang in there and see what happens.  

Take care Purelight.

K

[geoff]

dear AOK, my psychologist who was also a GP wanted me to have blood tests to see the level of vit D, zinc etc, the same as what Purelight was asked to do, and again they were the same which were all the wrong combination.

From your higher dose is that you may feel tired until your body adjusts but then it should level out, and the effect of also feeling better won't be like clicking your fingers, so it won't happen immediately, but it shouldn't take too long.

Can I ask you why you were hesitant in delaying the higher dose. Geoff.

[HA1]

Hi Geoff - thank you for replying.

I'm really not sure why I was hesitant, but perhaps a combination of issues.

1. A gut feel that I would feel worse with higher dose - not a good reason, I know.

2. Did not really trust the physiatrist and psychologist assessment of my state of health.  They had both concurred that my dose should be increased - but did not really  explain what they were aiming to achieve with increasing dose.  In my recent sessions with them (which are quite frequent), I had explained only the symptoms I had been experiencing (tiredness, fatigue, wanting time alone, melancholy, etc).

3. I had other family commitments requiring me to travel and provide support and assistance to others.  I did not want any side effects from increased dose that might have made me feel even worse, and thus affected my ability to provide the support that I need to give.

4. I went on a short getaway with my wife.  She is my carer and badly needed a break from what has now become a new and unexpected daily routine for her.  Again, I did not want to risk a higher dose of ADs changing me and thus potentially causing my wife more grief during this short holiday.  

Sorry, a long winded answer to your straight forward question, I know.  A lot going on. 

Thanks for your interest Geoff.

take care

K