Don't look back

[HA1]

Hi everyone!

Six months ago, soon after a after a career crisis, my wife convinced me to go to the GP - she knew all was not well. I did also, but was more focused on my need to go away that day to be alone and think things through.  However, we went to the GP and I ended up in hospital for the next four nights.  In hindsight, possibly the best decision I/we have made.  Also my previously unspoken feelings of sadness were now out in the open.  Maybe my loved ones now better understood the cause of everything they had put up with over a long period of time - I hope so. 

I have always been a loner – perhaps partially due to being target of bullying as a young boy.  Withdrawing socially equated to self-preservation.  As an adult, I remained that way with few friends of my own, and certainly none that I could talk to about how I was feeling, let alone meeting for a coffee and sharing a joke.  While people around me saw me as the ‘strong and silent type’, it was far from the truth.  Appearing strong, calm and collected was (I think now) a self-defence mechanism.  I did not want anyone to get too close to me – always on my guard, never trusting people, always looking for anonymity. In more recent years I also started to self-medicate with alcohol.

These days, every day is pretty much the same as the previous - lack of motivation and fatigue. Often I still need to be alone with my thoughts and going for long walks on the beach – sitting on a rock and contemplating what the future holds. Recovery is one step forward and two steps back.  I had a couple of reasonably good weeks, but then ‘it’ started creeping in again.  All the symptoms of a relapse were there. My medication has now been progressively increased to a point where, it is at its max.

On the whole, I am OK for now. I stopped drinking alcohol (6 months cold turkey) so that will help the meds to work better. My plan is to not look back, but to instead focus on the future. I am resigned to my fate of living with this illness probably for the rest of my life.  Having resigned myself to that fate, makes life somewhat easier, but not necessarily any happier. Happiness will come with time and patience.

Later this week I will be off on a holiday for two weeks - an opportunity to chill out and learn a little bit more about my illness, the practice of Mindfulness, and reading the book Silence of the Mind.  

Take care everyone,

K 

[Snoman]

Hey AOK,

I used to have a classic high pressure job.  I loved it.  Especially in a crisis situation when you were needed to remain level headed.

Now I don't cope well with pressure at all.  Perhaps that is not quite true.  There are some pressures I think I can cope with, but I do get tired very quickly and my ability to cope drops.  I might be good for a few days, then, bam, I have a bad few days after.

There are other situations where I just 'delegate' the coping to my wife.  I trust that she will do the worrying and I just have to carry out her instructions, but I don't accept any responsibility.  Its hard on her, so I try to take what I can when I can.

We are currently in a new city, so we don't have many social interactions (thankfully).

My views are:

• know your limits (which may change day to day).  Make sure your partner knows them too.  Step up when you can, but don't push yourself so hard that you go backwards when you are not your best.
• accept that you are not going to be quite as capable as you were before.  As my psych puts it, when you have a bad 'flu, you reduce your expectations on what you can achieve in the day, but you can still do things.
• don't bury your feelings.  Again, my psych reminds me to allow feelings to be.  If you bury them, they don't go away.  You are allowed to feel frustrated or upset.  Remember to keep doing things anyway.  Like the point above, when you have the 'flu, you can still do things.  Feel your feelings, let them be there, but keep doing.

Sno

[HA1]

Hi Sno - and thanks for your reply, much appreciated.

It sounds like we where very much alike, thrived on pressure in business, but not now.  I also get indescribably tired - only eases late at night (go figure!).  Like you, I tend to depend on and delegate to my partner.  Sometimes I feel that I am being led and guided like a child.  It is hard for them.

Thanks for the dot points - your views are spot on.  Except, last point.  When I really want to do something for my partner (e.g. go to dinner, social gathering,etc), I must bury my feelings.  Unfortunately, I must put the mask on in order to mingle and talk, be interested in what is going on.  By the end of the night, I am exhausted.

Take care

K 

[Snoman]

Hey AOK,

Yep, I too will feel like a child.  I'm ok with it, but only when my wife is clearly having a good day and coping well.

About the burying of feelings, my psych has shown me another approach that I have found to be tremendous help.  He uses ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) for people with depression.

The process is to first identify the emotion you are experiencing.  Note precisely where in your body (hands, chest etc) that you are experiencing that emotion.  Be fully aware of it, then breathe 3 or 4 breaths "into" that part of you.  Let the emotion be there.  Thats it.

By burying our emotions, they fester and have to be dealt with later.  By acknowledging them, we allow them to move on when they are ready to.

There is a related book called "The Happiness Trap".  In it is a section where they discuss this exercise.  Someone said, "I did the exercise, but I still feel anxious before public speaking".  The response was that the exercise doesn't make the feeling go away, it allows it to move when it is ready to.  It helps you to continue doing what you need to do.  Even major rock stars, actors and professional speakers feel stage fright. That is normal.

My psych's mother suffers from dementia and he gets frustrated while looking after her.  It is a frustrating responsibility.  He does this exercise so that he can still look after her without the frustration growing out of control.

When you have the 'flu in a social situation, you can find a quite spot, blow your nose silly to get all the gunk out.  Marvel at how your mind will let you mingle, even though your body aches from fever.

When you experience anxiety in a social situation, you can find a quite spot (like the bathroom), and do the exercise.  Marvel at how your mind will let you mingle, even though your body is experiencing symptoms of anxiety.

I think you can let the emotions continue to be and still be able to mingle.  Perhaps not at your most witty, but still mingling.  You tend to be off your game when you are affected with the 'flu, and this is the same.

Hope that explains my last point a bit better.

Perhaps that just allows the mask to be thinner.

Sno

[HA1]

Thanks so much Sno - now I see where you were heading with that point!  And thanks also for sharing.

You have given me a lot to look forward to in exploring ACT further and also the book; really do appreciate it 🙂 ... now for the bookstore!  I'll let you know how I get on with that.  Might even get back to you and exchange some points/views once I am across it.

Take care

K

[HA1]

These days I tend to post on other peoples threads rather than my own, and when I do, I generally share snippets of myself, my mindset, my feelings, my thoughts. I guess that is probably why I have not posted on my original thread for quite a while.I thought, therefore, that I would post an update on my 'progress' and how I am feeling today - just to keep the thread alive (why I don't know).  It will be brief because there has been little progress.

So what has changed since I first posted?  My mood has improved to the extent that, the down side is no longer as deep as it was before, but there is no sign of an upside - happiness is missing.  That sums up the progress.  The rest; well not sure how to describe it.  

I find that my tiredness, or fatigue, is progressively getting worse. As fatigue increases motivation reduces, the combination of the two (for some strange reason) has affected my sleep pattern. Now I stay up as late as I can, then sleep for two hours, get up again, and back to sleep for two hours. Maximum 4-5 hours sleep. Which in turn feeds fatigue.

The type of medication I am on has not changed, although the dose has progressively increased to maximum. Psychiatrist, tells me it is definitely not the medication causing the fatigue - it is my illness he tells me. What can we do to stop fatigue and extreme tiredness and lack of positive mood? No idea at this stage.  I am now at a place that I have no idea what my next step is - I cannot see myself getting worse without something else also breaking down.  

Psychologist is good and can read me pretty well.  Trying CBT but psych does not believe it is for me in the long run. It will reveal more than it will heal. Doing many other exercises also aiming to understand my issues. Doing a lot of talking, and that feels good, but not seeing much improvement as such.

Apetite is still poor, no appetite for breakfast and lunch. Force myself to have a decent dinner. But I have developed a real sweet tooth. Still not touching alcohol - psych(s) can't figure out, how I could stop just like that without any help. Told them once, but not sure that they were quick enough to grasp what I said.  The essence of what I wanted them to know is that I had become too worried about my headspace to worry about how I felt without alcohol.

I am still keeping fit - as I have through my life.  Becomes harder everyday because of the increasing fatigue.  But I try not to make that stop me.

Disappointing progress to date.

K

[Snoman]

K,

Sorry to hear you are struggling with fatigue.  Have you spoken to your GP?  Could there be another health reason?

For me, a good sleep is critical.  If I feel like I may not sleep well, then I will make a cup of "sleepy tea" (herbal tea with chamomile).  I do it like a ritual - quite music, lights down low, special cup - and I practice mindfulness as I pour it.  If I do this, I almost always sleep well.

Speaking of mindfulness, have you looked further into ACT?  Did you get the book The Happiness Trap?  If reading that doesn't work for you, I can suggest some others.

Tony

[HA1]

Thanks Tony

Done every blood test imaginable 🙂 All good.

Yeah, a ritual makes it better.  Mine is very similar, minus the mindfulness (might give that a shot.  And yes, I did buy the Happiness Trap - just started reading it the other day.  Let you know when I'm finished.  I raised ACT with the psych and we are going to talk about it more.

Thanks for all your suggestions, really appreciate it.

Ken

[dougall]

Hi you have made progress I can see it in your posts.  I have faith in your ability to keep making progress.  Your friend.

[White_Rose]

Hello Ken

I have just found this thread and have read it with interest. Your comment from your psych that it is the illness that makes you tired rather than the medication is fascinating to me. I feel tired a great deal and lately put it down to recovering from physical illnesses such as 'flu, chest infection, bronchitis. Over the illnesses but still convalescing. I will check this out with my GP. I suspect I may need a larger dose of my AD and have fought quite hard against taking any medication. Shame and fear I suppose. So thanks.

I see you are a reader. Great! Reading is something I found hard when I first became depressed because I could not concentrate. Back to normal now. Because of your interest in mindfulness,may I recommend that you read Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  He is considered one of the leading writers on mindfulness.

I would also like to recommend Dancing with Your Shadow by Kim Nataraja. This is more about meditation, but Nataraja explains a great about the psychological links between quietness of body and mind and the effect on our lives. I found it a most readable book and go back regularly to find more insights.

There were also several comments about feeling like a child. I do thank you for writing that. So often this is how I feel and I want someone to tell me what to do or do things for me. I know if this went on too long I would get annoyed and demand to be given the respect of my years, but so often I yearn to be cared for and comforted, probably like a child. And I feel ashamed because it seems I "should" manage on my own. Thank you again.

I relate to being under pressure. It seems that in our working lives when some kind of pressure is the norm we thrive on it. Then this wretched illness takes over and all our drive vanishes to such an extent that deciding what to wear becomes a huge drama. I know I have things to do and have deadlines but find I leave it to the last minute because it has become too large to even think about. And the stupid thing is that I worry constantly when the solution seems so simple. Just do it.

So thank you everyone who has contributed to this thread. Now if you can give me some pointers to facing and traveling the road ahead?

Regards

Mary

[Snoman]

This thread makes me think of a quote I came across:

One step forward, two steps forward. Why did we ever believe that it was possible to even take a step backward?

Ken, you are making progress.  It may not feel like it, but you are.  You are more aware of your condition, you are more aware of how things like appetite, sleep, alcohol and exercise affect you.  This knowledge is a forward step.  And of course, each day you are one day closer to managing the beast.

I hope you keep pushing along with the happiness trap.  Please post back when you have now insights or made it to a new phase.  Some concepts may be hard to grasp unless you have come across them before.  The book does a great job of helping to guide the way.

Tony