Don't look back

[HA1]

Hi everyone!

Six months ago, soon after a after a career crisis, my wife convinced me to go to the GP - she knew all was not well. I did also, but was more focused on my need to go away that day to be alone and think things through.  However, we went to the GP and I ended up in hospital for the next four nights.  In hindsight, possibly the best decision I/we have made.  Also my previously unspoken feelings of sadness were now out in the open.  Maybe my loved ones now better understood the cause of everything they had put up with over a long period of time - I hope so. 

I have always been a loner – perhaps partially due to being target of bullying as a young boy.  Withdrawing socially equated to self-preservation.  As an adult, I remained that way with few friends of my own, and certainly none that I could talk to about how I was feeling, let alone meeting for a coffee and sharing a joke.  While people around me saw me as the ‘strong and silent type’, it was far from the truth.  Appearing strong, calm and collected was (I think now) a self-defence mechanism.  I did not want anyone to get too close to me – always on my guard, never trusting people, always looking for anonymity. In more recent years I also started to self-medicate with alcohol.

These days, every day is pretty much the same as the previous - lack of motivation and fatigue. Often I still need to be alone with my thoughts and going for long walks on the beach – sitting on a rock and contemplating what the future holds. Recovery is one step forward and two steps back.  I had a couple of reasonably good weeks, but then ‘it’ started creeping in again.  All the symptoms of a relapse were there. My medication has now been progressively increased to a point where, it is at its max.

On the whole, I am OK for now. I stopped drinking alcohol (6 months cold turkey) so that will help the meds to work better. My plan is to not look back, but to instead focus on the future. I am resigned to my fate of living with this illness probably for the rest of my life.  Having resigned myself to that fate, makes life somewhat easier, but not necessarily any happier. Happiness will come with time and patience.

Later this week I will be off on a holiday for two weeks - an opportunity to chill out and learn a little bit more about my illness, the practice of Mindfulness, and reading the book Silence of the Mind.  

Take care everyone,

K 

[HA1]

Hi

just wondering whether anyone has experienced that a change in meds can eliminate or reduce the constant tiredness?

thanks,

k

[HA1]

Hmm?  Raised my earlier question re meds with psychiatrist.  Advised that my tiredness is caused by my illness and not the meds.  Ok, but it seems to be contrary to various posts in this forum! Might just monitor.

Also, I have noted that since I went onto max dose of meds my irritability ha increased.  Again, another effect to monitor.

Have also found out that in addition to major depressive disorders, I also have OCD, and that very high probability that  I have dysthymia. 

Seem to be going from bad to worse!

Just venting!

K

[Snoman]

Hi AOK,

While on ADs, I went through a period of being quite "dopey".  At least I felt that way.  I may have just been doing more, but mentally just as bad as before.  Was it the meds or just a stage of recovery?  Will never know.  I am still on those meds and not dopey anymore.

I know sleep is very important for me right now.  If I don't get at least 8.5h of good sleep, I will go down a bit the next day.  I will be tired and "floppy" as my wife calls it.  I will struggle to concentrate.  I truly don't think this is from the meds.  I think my body/mind needs that sleep for the repair process.

So the psych thinks you have OCD and dysthymia.  Please don't think of it as going from bad to worse.  Just you going from unaware to aware.  Now you are able to do something about it.

I don't have OCD, but I can't be sure I didn't start with dysthymia.  That was my original self diagnosis.

For me, dysthymia and major depression isn't a permanent problem.  I am recovering quite well.  I have posted this elsewhere, but I strongly believe that the key to my mental health and wellbeing is in spirituality and mindfulness.  I need to tend my inner Zen Garden and keep my black dog there where he cannot grow.

Sno

[LoveSummer]

Hi AOK

It took me years to find the right psychologist for me and I do think your gut instinct is really important. I called Macquarie uni anxiety clinic and got a recommendation for a psychologist in my area who specialises in anxiety. 

When I read your update re the holiday and not wanting to increase meds, I totally got that. I always listen my gut instinct these days. 

Not sure whether I've been of help. I'm not suggesting ditching your team but quietly looking at an alternate team. It's so important to trust your therapist! Xx

[HA1]

Hi Snoman & LoveSummer 

Snoman, I get what you are saying.  And I am starting to think (hoping) that maybe the higher dose of meds are starting to work - today I feel almost normal in my head.  Last time I felt like this I came crashing down the next day. Just need to learn more about how to stop thinking!!  I too need my sleep, but still grappling with sleepless nights.  I tend to have a nap early in morning after breakfast and coffee, then again in afternoon.  Sometimes it works. 

And, thanks, you are right of course.  The additional diagnosis is more of a journey of discovery and learning rather than getting worse.  By way of assisting recovery, I too have found a real interest (joy?) in discovering spirituality and how to be in a meditative mind.  Currently reading Eckhart Tolle.

Really really glad that you are recovering well.

[By the way, my wife refers to me as 'confused'.]

Dear LoveSummer, good to see you posting & replying!  Yes I have learnt to trust my gut instinct. As for the psychs, I have my good sessions with them and the not so good, the last one with psychiatrist this week was pretty good.  I guess I am still learning how to get them most out of both psychiatrist and psychologist.  Still get a sense that they are treating me with kid gloves (not my style).  I am waiting to learn what they really think.  I am still new to the meds (never ever took meds in my long life until now recently), so I will monitor this aspect.  Still playing with idea of getting second opinion - we'll see.  I will definitely, search for a more trusting GP (too bad the BB list does not include any in my area).  

Thanks too both of you, you have both been helpful (gee, its nice to read a reply - gives you comfort.)

Take care

K

[Snoman]

AOK,

Very pleased to see you have found Eckhart Tolle.  My sister in-law has recently done that too.  Eckhart is doing some appearances around Australia and NZ, so my sister in-law has bought us tickets to see him.

Can I also recommend a book called Awareness by Anthony De Mello.  Whenever I find someone discovering 'the path' (as I call it), I buy them Awareness.

For some fun, find a copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull which is more of the same, but told as a story of a seagull.  The author, Richard Bach also wrote a beautiful very short story called There's No Such Place As Far Away.  I have seen in available in its (tiny) entirety online as a single web page.

Then there are the movies... But enough for now.  You have much reading to do, and much to absorb.

Enjoy.

Sno

[HA1]

Hey, thanks Sno!

i will definitely check out Thor books - (one of my small pleasures is to stroll through bookstores and libraries).  

Concurrently with Tolle, I am also reading Silence your Mind by Ramesh Manocha.  Interesting.

k

[HA1]

After having recently retired, I made a conscious decision to reconnect with my father.  Partly because at his age he needs more support, but mainly because we had never been close.  We never had a falling out, but just did not have a father/son relationship (such as those one is led to believe exists in books, movies, etc, or what I saw other fathers and sons do).  

So all was really good, we now talk for hours about anything, including life that has past us by.  I discovered also that he is the only one I can talk openly about my illness; my thoughts, how I am dealing with it, what the psych’s say, what the GP says.  I feel good about that – makes life just that little bit more complete.  He has cast no judgment, is interested, and offers plain simple advice.      

This morning I take him for usual appointment with GP – we were told that his kidneys are not good (he is also a diabetic – so its all related).  GP thought I should prepare him and myself for him being much worse soon.  I felt numb with something, fear, chock, I don’t know.  Why now, after all these years, we are just reconnecting and enjoying each others company.  Inwardly I was panicking, but outwardly I could not show any emotion - why??  I did not want him to see that I was panicking, maybe.  Maybe it is that damned mask that I have been carrying around.  I know I would feel better if I was the type to be able to show how sad I really feel.  I guess this forum is my way of letting ‘it all out’. 

Came home and reminded myself of the Serenity Prayer:   “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, …….. “.  True, but I can make the most of the present.   

[Snoman]

AOK,

As my dad's health deteriorated, I was the one who had to be strong for him, my mum, and my two sisters.  Then as mum's health deteriorated, I had to be strong for them again.  Throughout, I didn't let out any of my emotions.  Everything was buried.

While I am glad I could be there for my family when they needed me, I now know I needed to release that emotion somewhere during that time.

Perhaps for you, you can be strong for your dad, and vent here, or do some mindful meditation to allow the strong emotions to be.

Glad you are connecting with him.

Sno

[HA1]

How to deal with 'pressure'?

One of the effects of my illness, is that I can't seem to deal with pressure - of any sort. I don't respond well to it anymore (while working I thrived on pressure - or so I thought). Yes, eventually I get all of the 'pressure' things done, but my initial reaction is often along the lines of: 'Nooo! That was not on in my plan for today. I don't want to!'  For example, when my partner tells me everything she has planned for today, including (panic!) social interaction.  I don't express anything out aloud, but it is what I feel.  

So consistent with my strategy for "caring for my well partner" (separate thread by WK), I suck it up and eventually get around to do all those things on my 'pressure' list. But oh boy, do I feel exhausted just thinking about it!  Just compounds the extreme tiredness I generally carry around (.... And maybe that comes from dragging that large black dog around every day!).

Does anyone else share these feelings of not dealing well with pressure &  how do you deal with it?

take care

K