DOES IT BOTHER YOU TO SAY 'NO'? ARE YOU A 'YES' PERSON?

[The_Bro]

Hi Everyone

I used to be very much a 'Yes' person. I always wanted to keep my colleagues or friends happy, didn't want to be seen as selfish, would always say 'Yes' even when I was groaning internally with my own time pressures.

Invitations, favours, work, helping out, it was all the same.

Then I met a boss at work who took me under his wing. What happened was I was often late with project work, and told him I was too busy helping other with their requests. Of course that reflected badly on me in my Bosses eyes. He made the point that helping others was tremendous, but not when it meant my own work and personal progress was sacrificed.

So I learnt to say 'No'. The trick he taught me was to be assertive and empathetic, but make it clear you cannot say yes to that request and why.

An example of what to say might be something like 'I'm really sorry but I can't fit that in today, I'm going to have to pass on that". Say it with meaning and attention to the person making the request.

How much better is that reply than simply saying 'No I can't help with that?" What this does is keep your personal rights intact, yet still shows the other person some respect and empathy. Keeps things from becoming an argument too!

It will help with your own feelings if you realise its not up to you to always solve other people's problems at the expense of your own progress. Yes it will be easy to feel rejected or hungry for approval of others, but over time respect towards you will grow.

Importantly, this doesn't mean never saying yes, there will always be occasions when its perfectly OK to do a favour, but not if it causes you angst and hurts your own self esteem.

It was a learning curve for me at the time, but became much easier with practice. The trick is to let others see your reason for saying no is genuine and important to you, rather than just not wanting to. You will have set boundaries without offending anyone needlessly.

What I was taught helped me a lot with relationships with myself and my friends.

Does anyone else have issues with being a 'Yes' person?

Regards, The Bro

[LorenaC]

Hi The Bro,

I was that person long time ago, i feel embarrassed and guilty to say no, even if i was not agree or i did not want. One day i just realised how silly was see myself involved in situation that i really i did not want, spending time, money and energy and i decided learning how to say no, i started with some exercises that i found on internet. and i remember one of the was say at less three times a day no something you did not feeling.

Nowadays i do not feel guilty when i said no. I always and before make any decision, i asked my self if i really want it and try to make the decision make me feel peace, even if sometimes the answer is not.

I think we need to normalize more the word NO as response and very important no taking personal.

Cheers,

Lorena

[quirkywords]

The bro

like you I always said yes but now I think about staying no.

I like your thoughtful post explaining how to say no.
I know what to do just not sure how to I can do it.

[missep123]

Hi The Bro,

What a great post. I think that a lot of us can definitely relate to what you said.

I am definitely a 'Yes' person and I struggle with saying 'No' even if I really want to.

What happens by saying yes all the time is that I can become quite stressed because I have taken on way more work than I would have been comfortable with.

As I grow older I am starting to feel more confident and comfortable with being true to myself. I think it's going to be a learning process for me.

Thank you for your post!

[The_Bro]

Hi there LorenaC, Quirkywords and Missep123

Thanks guys for such positive feedback! Yes we never stop learning do we?

There is one aspect I forgot to comment on from what I have learnt and was taught.

That is to avoid using the word 'NO' if you can. The Japanese culture finds this word insulting and it instills loss of face. They will say maybe, it might be difficult etc which can be a softer way of saying no.

I also find that saying NO can be a little confronting and uncomfortable to actually say. Other ways such as 'I wish I could help with that, but can't fit it in today unfortunately' work better for me and are easier to say I think.

It is acknowledged that when negotiating business deals it is also more effective to work around the word NO to keep the negotiation flow going.

Anyway, it is a personal choice. I see LorenaC that you practice saying NO - if that works for you then of course that's OK!

Kind regards to you all

The Bro

[white knight]

Hi The Bro

Great post topic. This is clearer to me now than at a younger age. The "charity begins at home" wasnt in my psyche when younger than 30yo, always trying to please others.

So my therapist in 1987 pointed out this and its ramifications. He mentioned the "whiteknight syndrome" (sic) which means-

Rescuing others, losing yourself. Are you a white knight? Are you attracted to needy, damaged, or helpless people? Do you feel like your love can heal your partner? Are you overly involved in your partner's problems? Are you hungry for constant reassurance in relationships? Do you make excuses for your partner?

However, I'd like to mention "masks". The gullible dont see the real person that portrays someone else. In a thread I started it includes the portrayal of people we would normally trust if we didnt have the wisdom to see clearly that their mask can hide a villain.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/humility-and-the-good-samaritan-

To be a "yes" person has risks and you never know until its too late that you've been conned all along. The positive side is that close trusted friends will love you for your support and eagerness to help.

TonyWK

[The_Bro]

Hi TonyWK

Thanks very much for your comments. There's some carefully thought out philosophy there!

Talk soon, The Bro

[missep123]

Hi The Bro and everyone!

I really like this thread because it reminds me to try to live as authentically as possible. I am a typical people-pleaser and want to get along with everyone so it's so important for me to learn boundaries and be genuine when accepting or rejecting tasks. Like you said there's definitely a way of doing it that can be gentle. I really like that!

Also, TonyWK- We can always count on you to have words of wisdom!

[Adalaide]

I have always struggled with (and still do to some extent but I'm trying!) being a 'yes' person. I will always say yes as long as there isn't something physically stopping me from doing it.

I learned that pouring from an empty cup is not helpful to anyone and it definitely helps with reminding myself that saying no is not offensive, rather its a way to protect yourself from burn out.

Learning to say no has been incredible in my journey to healing!

[missep123]

Hi Adalaide,

I really resonated with what you wrote regarding 'pouring from an empty cup'. I think that is so important. I think back to the analogy of putting your oxygen mask on an airplane before others.

It has definitely made me reassess and be more careful what I say yes to so I don't burn out!