Do you talk too much about your problems?

[white knight]

I have a pet dislike. It was drummed into me by my wonderful dad to consider other people, to "walk a mile in their shoes". I loved him for it but he didn't have to swap TV channels from a John Wayne movie to motor racing so easily. That's family and that's ok.

Allowing some acquaintances however to think they are royalty with excess kindness however isn't healthy. Its a way to over respect someone. It can lead them to think they are superior or rather you are inferior. It might have been ok for dad and son but not with friends or acquaintances. In those circumstances a level playing field should be your aim.

However, a level playing field for those with mental challenges is not so easy. Our issues are so prominent minute by minute, we seem to have difficulties like- 1. talking too much too often about our struggles and 2. some of us can portray the atmosphere that our issues outweigh any issues a person without mental illness could have (which could not be true). These two problems can become their problems with US! I ask the question "is this fair and understandable to "dump" on other people the topics of our mental illness?

I say yes. You might disagree because some people hide their issues well. My decision however comes with a proviso. That equal time is devoted from you the mental illness owner to the other party. and I admit I'm the first to put my hand up to say I not only talk too much about my issues but I rabbit on and the time flies...I have little idea how long I'm torturing the poor listener. It's time to adjust that, in fact reverse it. To act.

I've asked a few friends what length of time is acceptable to most friends about talking of ones illnesses be it physical of mental. 5 minutes said most, 10 minutes ok, 15 minutes no way!!! 20 and you are not a friend but a burden.

I attended a family gathering last week. It was a funeral of a distant relative. I went to the eatery following the event and spoke to relatives I've never met. They were not close enough to mention my issues but later I was with others that I was familiar with. "How's your depression Tony" one asked....off I blabbed without thinking. But after 5 minutes I finished with some self discipline. My audience however went silent.

"How's your leg Bill" I asked (he had a knee replacement weeks ago). "Fine, why do you ask". A full 5 seconds lol.

Consider other people, limit your chat about your issues to keep a friend. What do you think about this?

Tony WK

[SubduedBlues]

I am an advocate of supporting friends (and strangers) when they're feeling down and blue. In fact, I am quite content to skip out on a pre-planned outing or social activity to help someone who needs it.

I know I am not perfect. I have my skeletons, and they are my problems... for me to solve. Sure, sometimes I can benefit from the support of another to help me overcome them, or just cope, but I never dout on someone else to get them to solve my problems for me. That's just rude.

I'll admit that I have a preconceived notion that we should all own our problems. And this sometimes makes it difficult to be supportive towards those who dump their problems on other people. I mean, helping you isn't fixing it for you, it's listening and giving guidance towards you finding your own solution or way to cope with to your problems.

SB

[white knight]

Yes SB I hear you.

In other words, provide the vehicle and they can drive it? I agree.

I tend to have little patience with those that "dump" but not take any advuse at all. But I suppose lack of patience downliafs to less compassion which is a fault of mine.

Arhh, patience. Covered in (google)Topic: supermarket shelves- beyondblue you cant buy or grow patience. Some can emerge from aging...

Yes we have to own our problems. Maybe that is a step some can never take. Perhaps the general insecurity humans have with life itself compounds when we have illnesses that threaten our existence or well being? Could such illnesses cause us to seek more comfort from others. I mean, maybe there are real justified inground reasons why we, the mentally scarred, seek out the comfort and reassurance of friends.

A sign of desperation?

This thread has already posed more questions than I thought would come about.

Tony WK

[JessF]

Hello Tony, another interesting thread.

The first thing that struck me was that you had someone ask you straight out, 'how's your depression' rather than not saying anything, or being more vague, 'how are you doing' 'how are things' with a knowing look etc. That seems like a positive to me.

Of course saying 'how are you' in our culture is a bit of a misnomer. Most of the time people aren't really interested in your answer. For example, in Brazil a common greeting is 'tudo bem' which means 'is everything well', and the expected answer is exactly the same, 'tudo bem', which as an answer is 'everything is well'. There's no room for talking about your depression there!

On the question of talking about your problems too much, I think this can be widened to any friendship where there's an issue with someone holding court and not taking the time to reciprocate properly and ask how you are. I have met some people that have an astounding lack of awareness that they have been talking for an age, and not realising that they haven't tried to bring me into the conversation other than as a prompt for their further talking.

I find the best way to avoid this situation when talking with others is to really pay attention to their body language and responses. With practice you get to see when you are starting to lose someone, and at this point, bring them back into the conversation by asking them a question about them. We all love to talk about ourselves, and the art of conversation is often mainly built on mutual back scratching.

[Quercus]

Hi Tony,

You have a definate talent for starting thought provoking topics!

I talk too much. Always have probably always will. But I know I'm in a really bad place when I stop talking at all.

I worry about offloading onto and overwhelming others and bringing them down too. Dumping my problems onto them. Pushing them away because I'm depressing to be around. Because being my friend becomes a chore. So I shut down. Stop communicating. And the depression gets worse.

There is a lot to be said for paying to offload all the crap in my head to a professional. I don't feel guilty because they're not my friend. I can say whatever I need to. Pour out all the thoughts so that there is enough room in my mind to actually cope with listening to others again.

And then when I am speaking to friends or family I don't feel like I have to offload to them anymore. There is space in my head for an actual conversation. There's room in my head to take on their issues and feelings too. Conversation becomes a two way street again. Guilt is lessened because I am actually listening to the people who are important to me.

Does anyone else do this? Feel this way?

[The_Abyss]

Thought provoking thread Tony.

I guess it depends on the situation and how well you know the person, but also how comfortable you are with the conversation. I am happy to talk of obvious injuries such as a fracture, but less so with something unseen. Even then I will usually dismiss it fairly quickly.

I agree Quercus - it helps to offload to therapist which then allows you "space" to hold a real conversation. And similarly jess - observing body language is vital. Was it just a polite question or a real interest?

[white knight]

Oh yes, getting space in your mind so you can cope with people dumping themselves on you.... etry true for me.

Sadly I cant cope well with selfishness. If someone continually dumps, they dont last ling in my life.

We have a friend. She is single, alone and a hypercondriac. As soon as she enters our home her talk is about her phantom issues that clog up the medical profession.

So recently when she entered our home and she began to talk about a pain, I stopped her and told her that after 10 minutes she has to stop and chat about her photography or bush walks because we are trying to cope with life ourselves. And she could ask us how we are feeling.

Of course it went down like a lead balloon. Now I feel guilty. But she is not seeing us as friends. We are a dump for her.

She did mention recently that its because she lives alone. My take on that is that it is her responsibility to find a partner...but she doesnt agree.

So, talking with friends is better than talking to people.

Tony WK

[Quercus]

Tony you've made a totally valid point.

I'm sure your friend was stunned and possibly a bit hurt but in the long run it will hurt more to push her friends away.

I know I talk too much. My friends and colleagues know to tell me stop being a chatterbox. They know I'll be more hurt if they don't say anything at all.

[Moonstruck]

Tony....yes a thought provoking question. I notice when someone self harms...or takes their own life....we often hear on media interviews etc from their close friends, mates, family members etc...."Why didn't he/she tell me how they were feeling? Why didn't they SAY something? If only I'd known how bad he/she felt". sometimes I feel like screaming at the TV...."they DID say something! You didn't HEAR THEM"

And...there is the school of thought that talking too much about our problems, pain, distress or worrying situation etc...can actually "give it more energy" - lead to over-thinking, imagining things worse than they really are...best to keep busy, distract yourself etc.

I read the other day somewhere about "toxic people" or similar. One listed was the "emotional vampire"or something like that. The person who drains you dry from talking about how bad things are with them, how low they feel, how much pain they are in etc. And how you can cut them off, avoid them, cease the conversation.

BUT....couldn't this be the very person, the mate, the friend or brother who takes their own life....only to have others say " But why didn't he SAY something?".......

[JessF]

I think most people like to think they can be helpful, and when venting about an issue I find that friends usually jump immediately to suggestions for how things can be fixed. This isn't always helpful when you just want someone to acknowledge how bad you're feeling.

But at the other end of the spectrum, if all you ever do with friends is list your woes, even the most stoic friend will start to feel powerless to help. As sad as it is, I can understand why some people do not end up getting the help they need because they are unable to put into words just what kind of help they need. Most people don't like confrontation either, so a burdened friend is unlikely to say 'I just don't know what you want me to do for you'.