Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

I think most MH professionals would agree that liking ourselves is important for mental health. I believe this is why Paul started the thread to help us learn from each other so we can move towards that important goal.

Unfortunately many of us struggle with liking ourselves and that struggle is closely linked to the issues which cause our mental health problems. Obviously some people such as Moon are lucky in finding it easy to like themselves but they are probably the exception,

For me experiences when I was young made it difficult to like myself and this has been reinforced by other experiences throughout my life. The negative thought patterns are deaply ingrained so very difficult to explain to someone who thinks differently. Having people suggest I should just change and like myself, implies that I should be able to do it as easily as they can. This makes me feel as though I'm a failure because i can't like myself when they do which makes me feel worse.

It is essential that we accept that we are all different & struggle in different areas. Sharing things we've found works is helpful as we can get inspiration from others successes but it isn't helpful to imply that we should be able to like ourselves because some people can do it eaily isn't helpful.

[TheBigBlue]

Elizabeth, I completely agree with you.

my core beliefs are so ingrained it is incredibly difficult & painful to overcome them. It’s been a work in progress over many years & I still struggle with it. I’m on medication, I see a psychologist weekly, a psychiatrist monthly, I have a peer support call every second week, I work, I have changed my expectations so they are more realistic, but guess what. I still don’t like myself & I am trying so god damn hard to change this.

I have an appointment in 2 weeks for a DBT course & I start a course in chronic illness this month (learning how to cope with chronic illness & mental well-being). Honestly what more should I be doing????

I don’t think anyone here actually thinks it is as simple as a “change of attitude” but for anyone who thinks it is an easy fix definitely hasn’t had the same life experiences as the rest of us

[Guest_1584]

Buttttttt, if you think about the other side of the equation , do you like other people ?

l don't just mean aww he's a good bloke , she's nice , they're pretty smart , they're so good with people , they're this that and other. But l mean all of it , their whole as you know them see them.

l rarely meet or really know anyone as a whole that l'd swap to be. There are characteristics and aspects yeah , but as a whole or life or whatever , the whole deal. l see their cracks too and really l couldn't think of anyone if the lock stack n barrel came with the deal. Selected parts of yeah you bet but not the whole.

rx

[ecomama]

Thanks Elizabeth CP. You really hit the nail on the head with your post. I liked it VERY much.

It's sad but it's the reality.

I "like" myself because I know my self better than anyone else ever could and know that my intentions are good.

I accept my imperfections just as I accept other's imperfections.

I know no one's perfect and I'd never expect anyone else to be either.

Growing up the only living child of mindlessly critical parents was a ridiculous period to look back on. I saw their stupidity in one very clear moment @ 15yo, the immaturity, the true lack of care about me at all, their vitriolic hatred for each other which I know now was projected on to me. An innocent child.

Pathetic.

Sure I forgive them. They had NO clue. Forgiveness was easy, my life hasn't been.

Would I speak to them ever again?
No way. Never. Not in a million years.

Decades later I'm still unravelling the damage they caused.

I take responsibility when I KNOW I made a mistake or when someone else tells me they're HURT by me. That hurts me so deeply that I feel bad for a very long time afterwards. I apologise and attempt very earnestly to make amends. Thankyou 12 Step Programs! I sure didn't learn THAT from my parents modelling such.

So at least I have a conscience! LOLOL!

Their relentlessly HIGH standards of me, they should have put on THEMSELVES. LOL!

So sure I like myself. I'm doing pretty darned well considering the bs ppl I've had 'significant' relationships with.

Elizabeth CP I think you're pretty darned awesome. I admire SO MUCH about you. I LOVE your wise words and honesty.
Just had to say it.

EM

[Guest_1584]

l think l'll still be saying this by the end of this thread as l'm pretty sure l was saying it at around the start of the thread too, l keep drop and browse through it but to this day l really still don't even get the concept of liking yourself. like obviously it'd be destructive being down on yourself but who ever, now seriously , thinks about liking themselves - or is that just me.

No need to explain though l more just read about in a kind of fascination really tbh l don't even care if l like myself or whatever but what still strikes me whenever l do drop in is do l like my life , now that l do understand and that is something l want to feel. lt's not only through this thread it's been on my mind a lot over thee last few yrs . And l have many liked it many times but l've also felt the extreme opposite many times too and this last few yrs l know l need to like my life. l want to like it l want to have a life l like and l want to do my best to hang onto it next time , and l want next time soon , bc life is damn short and as we get older we realize how fast it goes.

l'm thinking about starting a thread about it , l'd love to hear what we all want and desire in our lives and our lives to be , or what we hope to build , our paths , anything at all.

rx

[Guest_1584]

later thoughts on that idea and l'm thinking maybe not such a great idea anyway. life's hard enough as it is l'm sure there's all changes and things we'd love butttttt, as we know life just isn't as easy as that and we probably don't need reminding of it.

Day ata time . rx

[Birdy77]

Dear Moon,


I think it's wonderful  that you have the experience of unconditionally liking yourself, and i know it's hard for you to understand how others might struggle to do the same. 

What if you thought of it similarly to a physical issue?


Say your hand had been badly broken years ago, and although it has healed in a lot of ways, you now still can't make a tight fist, or you now get bad arthritic pain and can no longer garden or hold a paintbrush or make pottery.


Or if you had broken your hip or your back in an accident, and you now need a stick to walk with, or you now have a limp, or can't do something you loved, such as play tennis.


In the same way, if your spirit has been badly broken, or your sense of self (or sense of self-worth) has been chipped away by abuse, or eroded away through debilitating mental ill-health, it can restrict your ability to do certain things that others may easily be able to do, and which you may have been able to do before the danage had been inflicted - one of which might be your ability to accept, love or like yourself.


Just as a damaged body part can leave pain and difficulties many years down the track, and make things that were once easy (making a fist, walking smoothly, playing tennis) now very difficult or almost impossible, so can damage to our inner-selves leave wounds and unhealed aspects that make things that may have once been easy (eg. liking ourselves) now very difficult and something that needs gentleness to heal, practice to strengthen, and lots of care and compassion.

[Elizabeth CP]

Birdy, You explained that perfectly. Thank you.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Feel pretty good about me today. I stopped to chat to my elderly neighbour who was waiting for the bus when I was walking my dog. The conversation wasn't really flowy, and I thought maybe she'd rather I hadn't stopped. But when I said bye and wished her a nice day, she replied thanking me for stopping to chat.

It's that outside reinforcement thing again, I know, but take it where you can get it, right?

[blondguy]

Hi Everyone and thankyou so much for supporting the discussion!...Im trying to catch up!

Hey Rickdawg and TheBigBlue...Sleepy21...TonyWK..Quirky...The Bionic Woman.RX...Missep123...NotBatman...Tim..Kailani...Moon...and the readers too!

just a polite note from my own experience if that okay....Liking ourselves can be hard work during or after experiencing a mental illness of any type

my kindest...and have a great 2021 too!!

Paul