Do you forgive?

[Guest_1055]

Feeling hesitant about writing this and little scared of what people will think about me, a fear of being rejected I think. Well here goes.

Just today I have been thinking about forgiveness, forgiving the people who hurt us, let us down, or bring us pain in any other way. And I think forgiving actually helps us.

So what I aim to do, as a strategy to get rid of bitterness from within me is to:

1. Grap an apple or a potato from the kitchen.

2. I am off to see what I have got, yeah I have an apple that is going soft.

3. Write on the apple or whatever you have chosen " I forgive you" and draw a smiley face, that is what I did, and it is looking right back at me now.

4. Think of that person that has hurt you, and say I forgive you....... for hurting me.

5. And then I will go to the ocean, because I live near there. Walk down to the waves, and use all my physical strength and throw the apple as far as a can. "Just let in go"

Note:  If anyone tries this strategy from beyond blue, and I come across an apple on the beach. I will toss it back in for you.

Not sure of the outcome of this strategy yet, but I will keep you posted if you would like.

Also if you are not near an ocean, maybe you could choose a paddock.

OK going to post this now, still scared of what people will think of me."Rejection"

[White_Rose]

Hello Stef

Interesting thought. I had not really considered at what stage I could/would forgive someone. Had a quick think about it and I wonder if it is like managing grief. There are generally recognised to be five stages of grief. I doubt these are in the right order but take the thought for the deed. Anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance and one other that someone may care to supply as I have forgotten.

No one goes through these stages in a linear fashion but jumps backwards and forwards in their endeavours to cope. Forgiveness is part of healing but not at any particular point. I very much doubt that the person who has been harmed is able to forgive the next minute but this does happen at different times or stages for each individual. And like the stages of grief we go backwards and forwards in our attempts to heal. This includes forgiveness. It's not a one-off action. Forgiveness does not necessarily take away the pain and we do, as humans, have a tendency to scratch the sore spot and make it bleed again.

And of course it hurts and often we need to go through the whole thing again. After a while we can say, "Whoops! Done it again." Forgiveness then becomes successively easier as our wounds, despite our best attempts, do tend to heal. I found this with my husband who was very abusive. When I finally summoned up the strength to leave I went through the grief stages dodging backwards and forwards. One day I realised I did not hurt so much and I found looking back not only easier and less scary, but with more clarity.

I realised where he had come from and while I did not and will never condone abuse on the grounds that such and such had a horrible life, I can look at him with more compassion and even at times feel the urge to help him. But before I get carried away, I hasten to add, I do not attempt this.

I don't need to tell him I forgive him, mainly because he would say there was nothing to forgive, but because forgiving him is also forgiving myself and I can meet him, when the family gather, without the anger, fear and resentment I used to feel.

So in terms of healing, forgiveness is unlikely  when the wounds are raw as we are far too intent on managing the pain. But forgiveness is part of the process and not necessarily the last part. It's often the most crucial part as it gives us back our power to live our own lives and the confidence to continue our journeys.

Mary

[StefT]

Thanks Mary, well explained and it sounds like you have come to terms with your past hurts. It's kind of ironic that we can remain damaged long after a relationship by people not worth our thoughts.

[Guest_1055]

I found this quote:

Forgiveness doesn't make the other person right, it makes you free. - Stormie Omartian

[Guest_1055]

And this one...

A rattlesnake, if cornered, will sometimes become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is - a biting of oneself. We think that we are harming others in holding these spites and hates, but the deeper harm is to ourselves .-    Eli E. Stanley

[Guest_1055]

 Had another opportunity to forgive someone today.

[MichaelB]

I can understand exactly what you are speaking about. I myself am 31 and been single my whole life, I hate the thought of been rejected so I avoid anything that puts me in this position. This goes through all aspects of my life not just with relationships or lack of.

I have been struggling with anxiety/depression most of my life but about 8 years ago is when I hit rock bottom. Since then I have managed to stabilize it but I will never be the same and I know that. I pushed everyone away, everything away, I have nothing at all and it is the only way I feel "ok"

For years I was wishing and dreaming of the day that I was able to  become "me" again, but as time has wore on I now no longer even know what that means, I forget who I even am or was.

Well, I went way off topic here, infact I do not even remember what we where talking about 😕 blah

[Guest_1055]

Hey Michael

Rejection..... well it is a painful feeling. Do you think you just took a risk by even posting in here?  If so, well that action that you choose is pretty brave.

These forums are sort of more safe, because it appears to me, most of the people on here understand. And they are going through all sorts of struggles, including anxiety and depression. So you are not alone. 

Yeah I know that feeling or thought where you don't even know who you are. I don't even know who I am.... And it is a hard thing to sort of get your mind around.

Well anyway I just want to give you a hello and a welcome hug.I don't know what else to say, and I have no idea on how to do small talk.

With hugs to you

Shelley

[StefT]

Hey MichaelB You sound like an introvert like myself. We need time out alone regularly it's our nature, nothing at all wrong with that. Some introverts have successful relationships with extroverts, they compromise.

That said what we do becomes habit for better or worse. Having asocial habits myself i'd say it's a tragic way to live, especially when you look back on wasted years. The only source of real happiness is connecting with others. If you were living alone in a gilded palace it would feel like an empty marble prison. 

Step by step i'm learning things and ways to retrain my brain. The real challenge will be to step outside my comfort zone. “Being in an uncomfortable zone is much better than being in a cheeseless situation”(Who stole my cheese). Well i'm going to keep trying till I get results in my life, I hope you do also. 

[Durras]

Hi all,

This is an excellent discussion  and I'm enjoying reading all the posts, so glad I have joined here.

Yeah forgiveness can be the hardest thing to do, it is the fact of letting go and freeing ourselves to be able to move on, yet at the same time it is to me like I am leaving myself venerable for more hurt and letting a guard down too (if that makes sense) and that scares me to pieces.

I will try to keep my story short to explain.

I came here in 2000 from NZ to join my daughters father as I didn't want my girl growing up not knowing who her dad is and I wasn't close to my family back home, I grew up not feeling apart of the family. When I rang her dad and told him I was pregnant he said "all your support is here" I thought he was right cause the fact I wasn't close with my family.

When I had my daughter my dad gave me a bunch of roses and told me I was on my own (I put those flowers in the toilet) When my daughter was 6 months we came here to Australia. I knew two weeks into being here I made the worst mistake, there were parties every night, I wasn't attracted to her father and he wasn't really interested in caring for our girl he was only interested in me. I started to feel alone, went onto anti-depressants, I couldn't sleep, eat properly and yeah wasn't living well.

anyway to try and cut this short, he has made my life hell, playing mind game on me and now he is doing so on our daughter. She is now living with him and they are planning on moving to the Gold Coast.

I have forgiven so many times to let go and take my pain away and so I can move forward, but each time I do I get hurt again and again. YES I agree we have to forgive to enable us to move forward but it is a feeling to of letting your guard down and allowing more pain to come in.

My strategy now has been to write everything down on a peace of paper like I'm writing my daughter and her dad a letter, all my thoughts and feelings every word as if I was speaking to them go onto this peace of paper and then I keep it and put it in a shoe box. All letters are dated and with a title.

I'm thinking this could be away to see how I am moving forward, look back on them when I am feeling stronger  I don't know it may not be the right thing or the right way I guess I will know one day.

Hugs to you all and wishing you all a wonderful xmas and sending extra hugs and my prayers and thoughts to those who maybe alone at this time of year.

X Durras

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi everyone, 

you all sound so compassionate. Forgiving can be so hard, resentment and anger can give you a weird feeling of purpose that is difficult to let go of.

if I'm honest though, in my case the person I think I need to forgive the most is myself.

I blame myself for being the way I am now. Sure other people have been jerks and done bad things to me, but there are many decisions I have made that have lead me to where I am.

Durras I too left NZ to follow my heart to Aus. And like you I was let down and lied to. The difference for me though was that I did have a loving family and I left them. Now they are spread across different sides of the world and I wish more than anything that we were all in the one place again.

i blame myself for this. I was the first one to leave, if I hadn't left they wouldn't have left and we'd all be together right now. 

I blame myself for my mental condition. I made choices to avoid things and hide and over time they've become worse. I think I had a predisposition to be anxious, but I think if I'd handled my life differently I wouldn't be as I am now.

its the same with my depression. My life choices have made it worse and although there are some which I wouldn't want to take back, I know that they have contributed to my mental illness.

i don't really like myself that much, and really there is nobody to blame for that but me. I could change the things I don't like, but I'm too scared of everything. Which is one of the things I like least about myself.

I can see that some other people like me. My boyfriend seems to, but sometimes this baffles me. 

There have been other people I've been resentful towards, my ex for example. I still dislike how he treated me, but i sort of just think of him now as this idiot who was too stupid to realise how badly he was treating me. Which brings me back to blaming myself because I should have been smart enough to realise that I should have gotten out sooner. I should have expected more for myself.

so how do you forgive yourself?