Dilemma thread.

white knight · ‎13-11-2017

This thread is all about dissolving confusion by posting a dilemma say a family feud, workplace incident, what reactions are best and so on.

This will give members opinions from other members on what they would do.

Here is my first dilemma-

Im an athiest. Yet I feel I'm tolerant. When my wife and I visit another couple in their 70's, they hold hands at the table to say grace. Thats ok.

However, in general conversation like discussing depression its "just have faith in the lord and all will be healed" comments that ruin our friendship

The dilemma- just go along with it? Push my views that it isnt realistic. Or drift away as our compatibility isnt there.

We've been friends for 45 years. I'm even in their will as they have no children

Thanks...whats your dilemma?

Tony WK

CMF · ‎13-11-2017

Hi Tony,

Great topic.

'However, in general conversation like discussing depression its "just have faith in the lord and all will be healed" comments that ruin our friendship'

'The dilemma- just go along with it? Push my views that it isn't realistic. Or drift away as our compatibility isnt there.'

You've been friends a very long time and they must value that to put you in their will. I find in these situations it is often best to just let them say what they have to say, accept they will not understand, as they have not experienced what you have , and move on. I would accept that they cannot support the situation and expect nothing from them. It is not worth arguing about as often you need to go through something to realise it is not that simple, it will not just go away. It also depends how often you see each other as to how much the incompatibility affects you. Do you get along well despite these differences? I am getting quite good at letting people say what they think and then doing what suits me.

cmf x

JessF · ‎13-11-2017

Hello Tony, its a difficult one. I think with friendships, if your attitudes don't match on things that are important, then something has to give. Either someone changes their attitude, or someone gives up the friendship. The only other alternative is to mutually agree to 'swallow it' and move on. I agree with CMF, if you're in their will, they must consider you to be a very close friend.

Do they know you're an atheist? If they bring up religion at inappropriate times, then could you try saying, "well you know that's not my belief, and I really don't want to ruin our friendship by arguing over something that is a personal choice. I can respect your belief if you respect mine."

white knight · ‎13-11-2017

Thankyou ladies

Yes they think a lot of me so I think swallowing it and changing the topic is best.

What is amusing is the man asked me to give him a hand in his shed a few weeks back. So did the 3 hour trip to find he needed a hand alright...to finish off building 2 coffins and a trolley for both.

Do you have a dilemma?

Tony WK

white knight · ‎15-11-2017

Dilemma

You have an 18yo son. He has recently developed depression. He wants to go to university but finds study stressful and the challenge daunting...hecs fees and fear of failure.

He has natural talent in woodwork.

Uni or trade?

Tony WK

CMF · ‎15-11-2017

Hi Tony,

My questions -

Does he enjoy the woodwork, is it less stressful for him? Can he see a future in it? He needs to be happy in what he is doing.

Does he have the grades to do what he wants to do in uni? There is always the option of going to uni later on as a mature age student if/when he feels he can cope better.

If it were my son, i would think about the trade for now as the pressure of uni may make his depression worse and develop anxiety. Natural talents are God's gift and tradies do quite well. He could start his own business one day.

cmf

white knight · ‎15-11-2017

Hi CMF

My thoughts too. There seems an obsession for young adults to do university now. If he took on woodwork he can do uni later on.

Depression takes too many young people maily males. We should be careful with stress.

TonyWK

Elizabeth CP · ‎15-11-2017

Years ago I had a similar dilemma. My son had some learning difficulties & was being bullied at school. He wanted to go to uni but was interested in woodwork. I was concerned re his mental health staying at school so I took him to TAFE open day. He wasn't keen but I pulled rank saying you can't make a choice if you don't know what is available so I want you to look. After meeting staff & seeing the projects he could make he asked the staff for info re application process. After completing a pre apprenticeship course he went on to finding a position as an apprentice. By showing him the options & making it clear that the choice was his allowed him to feel comfortable in his choice. Too often uni is held up as the only decent option which is wrong.

Elizabeth CP · ‎16-11-2017

Another dilemma: I value family strongly & have worked hard to develop/maintain close ties with both immediate & extended family members. I also value helping & supporting each other. This works with most of my children & their spouses & children. I do what I can to spend time with them & help when needed including babysitting. In return we have had practical help including free treatment from dtr & SIL who are health professionals & help in my house, garden & with computer from the other couple. I have one son & DIL who I struggle with. My DIL is loud & very unreliable. I am uncomfortable with her treatment of my son & grandchildren & her spending has lead to serious problems in her family. I avoid babysitting & feel disconnected with her children. She dominates all conversations even when I ring my son so I can't talk to him. I feel guilty because it is obvious I choose to do more with my other children & grandchildren. How do I manage without becoming too stressed

white knight · ‎16-11-2017

Hi Elizabeth

Family dilemmas. Glad you've mentioned it. Feel free to give your opinion readers.

Your situation with your DIL is her abrasiveness, loudness and interjection which seems natural rather than vindictive.

What I'd suggest is to when on the phone, calmly mention to your son to move to a quiet room so you can talk to him alone. It will take tact. When they visit ask him to go for a short walk. Capitalise on any spare moment with him to make these suggestions.

Id also fight against your not so close feelings towards your sons children. Such feelings of difference (to other grandchildren ) is natural as they have your DIL traits, but as they grow they become themselves and I'm sure you'll get closer.

Finally, the interjection. Asking your son direct questions should get replies from him. If she answers for him (so annoying) then let her finish and calmly ask the same question to him again. "So whats your view....." Effectively its shutting her out but...she has had her say on the topic and you've allowed her that say.

Another way is subtlety (hand on her forearm) "wait a minute I want to know what he thinks about this"

Using humour works. Ive got a dear neice that interjects. "Oh dear, the interjector again". Luckily she laughs back!

So move your open book to introduce subtle boundaries. If she objects thats a positive because it will be a discussion point and you can discuss how you love her very much but you also would like to hear from your son.

Google

Topic: inlaws the best approach- beyondblue

Hope all is ok otherwise.

Tony WK