Depression Overload - learning to say you're not ok

JustTiffanyxo · ‎11-11-2014

Yesterday was one of the hardest/embarrassing days of my entire life and it all started with the question, "Are you OK?".I couldn't help but break down in tears. And by tears I mean 'letting the flood gates open'. To make matters worse, I was at work . My colleague lead me into her office where I continued to cry. I sobbed. Heavily. I couldn't control it. This massive wave of emotion just swept over me. I had lost control. Couldn't fake a smile any more. Couldn't fake that I was the happiest person in the world. I crumbled. It gets exhausting pretending sometimes. To slap on a happy face and 'forget' all your worries. People I work with saw how broken I am. People who thought I was 'well put together'. So many people were worried about me and at the time I just couldn't see why. I felt only embarrassment at my torrent of tears and emotions. My secret had finally come out. I have clinical depression and have had so for 14 years.I don't like to say that I am depressed as I feel that term is too commonly used. I hear people say it all the time and I think to myself are you just sad? or have you actually been diagnosed with depression?I have battled depression for many many years. And what a tumultuous time that has been. Full of ups and downs (more so downs). The biggest mistake I ever did was HIDE the fact that I have depression. I still make that mistake. You think you'd learn from your mistakes, but in this case, it keeps happening time and time again. I'd like to say that I'm better with coping with my depression and talking about things that are getting me down, but alas, I am not. This 'mini meltdown' happened because I had bottled my feelings up and not talked about them. Became overwhelmed because of them. I didn't now how to talk about them. I didn't want to burden anybody with my petty issues. I often feel sorry for my partner who cops most of the brunt of my depression. He's amazingly supportive and will drop everything to be with me. He's a special kind of person to me. Yet I still find it difficult to talk through things that are going around in my head in fear that he'll think I'm being silly or stupid. I talk to him about things but probably not as in depth or as much as I should.This new wave of depression is yet another learning curve for me. I will not let it beat me this time. I will learn that I am good enough. I will learn to reach out for help. I will not give up.

Neil_1 · ‎12-11-2014

Hi there Tiffany

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing this post (and also another one). 🙂 It’s really awesome that you have been able put down this kind of post in particular.

I would think so many of us on this site would be able to nod our heads in agreeance with a lot of what you said – although, having said that, we really don’t know your partner, so we can’t be commenting too much on this (said just for giggles) 🙂

I must say though that you’ve provided a really well worded description of what you’re facing on a continual basis – and then for yesterday for it to explode out the way it did. One thing I’d like to ‘correct’ you on is the word you used – embarrassing – your first word used of, hardest, I think fits much better. Ok, it might have felt a little tough and a bit embarrassing to break down in front of colleagues, but again, I would think there’d be so many of us who have done that. I know I have. But it’s not something we should be embarrassed about, because we suffer with a terrible illness. I tell you one thing though, I bet you were really drained and exhausted after that particular break-down? Overwhelming emotion can just leave you really zonked out.

I guess also with your job you’d have daily stressors as well that you have to contend with; and no doubt you’ve got other ones as well that are causing your illness.

May I ask what other professional help that you are having? I know you’ve said you’re on medication, so that means you’ve either got a GP or a psychiatrist prescribing those. Do you have a psychologist or counsellor that you see from time to time?

Again I’m really pleased that you’ve come to Beyond Blue and posted – and given so much insight into your own battles and even more so, the finish to this particular post where you conveyed so much positive energy. I do look forward to hearing from you again – and I also feel that you could become a valuable person on this site; with the way you express yourself and positive aspects that you’ve described; could be very useful for others to hear.

Kind regards

Neil

Chloeinoz · ‎12-11-2014

I agree with Neil . It takes a lot of courage to express how you truly feel and although it was difficult to break down in front of colleagues it took a lot of courage to be truthful and day no I'm not ok!

Chloe

loth57 · ‎18-11-2014

You have my support too. I'm a guy who has for years needed to 'bottle' things up as it was never accepted to let your feelings known. Would have been really hard for you no doubt, but sometimes others really do need to see that we all have to go through and I hope you get as much support as you need.

jessy9847 · ‎20-02-2015

Hi tiffany, im probably a few years younger than you, but I understand what you went through at work that day.

It happened to me last night. I work in a small deli on night shift a couple of nights a week (6-9 while im at school), but last night I was really down and feeling really depressed. Normally i am able to hide how i feel, especially at work, but last night I couldn't.

I couldnt tell her what was going on, but she kept asking me, and I eventually just said life. All she could do was hug me. I finally told her that I have depression.

I wish I could talk about what I'm going through, and when I finally told her just a little bit about my depression she really understood.

I want to be able to talk about it, but it's really hard and i don't really know how.

Neil_1 · ‎21-02-2015

Hi there Jessy

Well, you've done a very good thing by coming here and posting. That's a great start; but I also see that you've produced 4 posts. And now I'm gonna feel really silly if I've already replied to you on another thread somewhere else, but have I ?

I ask this, as you may have produced your own personal thread somewhere else on this website; is that correct?

If you have, it'd be awesome if you wouldn't mind directing me to it (and others will find it also).

If not, then I would really like for you to go to the Depression area and create a post there, so you can get your own feedback.

But just quickly, on what you were able to do last evening, that was great. It IS hard to open up and talk about, because it's depression and it's life and it's the simple task of living that IS difficult. Fellow sufferers know this, but the general public just don't understand.

Hope to hear back from you soon.

Neil

JustTiffanyxo · ‎24-02-2015

Hi Jessy,

It takes a lot of courage and effort to admit not only to yourself but to other people that you have depression. We all feel that we need to keep it to ourselves, out of fear of judgement.

I want to tell you that it is ok to admit it. Something like 1 in 3 people have depression. I can't stress enough the importance of talking about how you feel instead of bottling it all up inside. This is what I did, and I am currently in my 2nd week of a hospitalisation.

I have trouble expressing my feelings verbally and find it easier just to type away. Maybe this could work for you. Just type your thoughts, feelings, what you did, how you dealt with it. There is no proper way to deal with depression. Treatment is incredibly individual, what might work for some might not work for others. The thing is finding what's right for you.

You've taken a great step in posting in forums, and we as a community hope to hear from you soon.

Take care.

Tiff

Neil_1 · ‎25-02-2015

Hi there Tiffany

Just thought I’d send you a quick message also; as you’ve mentioned that you’re now in week 2 of being in hospital.

I really hope that this admission is assisting you and that they are helping you with coping mechanisms, etc. I’m sure that you’ve being treated well too, but, hey it never hurts to ask.

Would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil