Dealing with negative self-thoughts and anxiety due to being a non-driver in a car-centric society

[Keziah]

Hi all,

I don't have a formal diagnosis, but tend to get anxiety symptoms and struggle with self worth when life is not going well. At the moment I am in the middle of diversifying my career. However it has brought up a lot of anxieties and stigma I feel about being a non-driver. A lot of jobs require a license, but although I learnt to drive I have very poor spatial skills and discovered from online tests that I cannot make a cognitive map in my head, meaning I get lost easily even in familiar areas. Some people with this condition can drive, but I find that this condition plus anxiety about having an accident makes it impossible to drive safely. I get really confused about which lanes to use at intersections and also fail to see oncoming traffic in my peripheral vision at roundabouts among other things.

However most people where I live do drive and think I could drive if I just tried harder or did x, y or z. They don't understand why it is so hard for me and have even accused me of being lazy or not believing in myself enough. My mum has the same problem with driving and one of my brothers prefers not to drive so I know it is a genetic condition, not a personal fault. This doesn't stop me falling into a spiral of self-loathing about not driving or anxiety about finding work in my new field (even though I already have public-transport accessible work one day week in this field). It would be so much easier to get more work with a license and I become self-critical about my inadequacy, even though I would never judge anyone else for being unable to drive for whatever reason.

Any tips for dealing with others' attitudes without judging myself? In the past I just focused on the positives such as the money I save, reading on public transport, being environmentally friendly and the benefits of mixing with diverse people. But lately when people tell me I could never do this or that job without a license - despite having all the other required skills and temperament - and ask how someone otherwise so intelligent can't find their way around easily enough to drive I start feeling really down about the situation and it also makes me more anxious. This has the knock on affect or making it hard to look for jobs because I get an anxiety attack just looking for jobs that don't need a license.

Please just advice for anxious, self-judging non-drivers. Telling me I could drive if I just did x, y or z will just make me more anxious!

[Loula]

I don’t drive. Who cares what people think.

If they go off at you I would just say I’m not confident driver and would you like a non confident driver on the road the same road you and your friends and family use. Me personally I just say I’m lazy because for me that’s the truth lol!

When it comes from work I live in a city that has public transport and honestly how crazy the roads are coming I’m getting home quicker then my hubby lol! No traffic anger for me.

I know it’s to say don’t worry what people think. But seriously you know what the truth is. You know your not lazy. Some people are just built differently and my mum can’t drive for the same reason as you.

all the best

[Croix]

Dear Keziah~

Welcome here to the Forum, and you can be sure I'm not going to suggest either that you drive or that you do x, y or z.

First off I'd say that motor vehicle crashes cause untold distress plus injury and fatalities every day. Very often it is not mechanical failure but driver error for one reason or another. For you to voluntarily refrain from bowing to pressure and not driving if you are unable to drive confidently and well is a very wise move.

Your feelings now would be nothing compared to if you felt - rightly or wrongly - you had contributed to a crash by driving against your better judgment.

There are many who through medical conditions are unable to drive, so too many aged can no longer do so. You mention of poor peripheral vision alone is significant enough to make one hesitate.

You do have hassles, and as someone that may already have an anxiety condition the task of job hunting can be most unpleasant and cause real upheavals in you life without the extra burden of other's opinions.

Can I suggest you do get diagnosed? If you do suffer from anxiety then treatment may well improve your life, and at the same time give you the reason "a medical condition" which you can quote for why driving is not on.

Good luck with the job hunting

Croix

[Keziah]

Thanks for the support everyone and for making me feel better about not driving. I did have a few sessions of counseling last year through EAP at one of my workplaces when life events caused me to have really bad anxiety and negative thoughts. I also spoke to my doctor about my symptoms in case I went through a similar situation again and wanted to access longer term therapy, but he didn't think I ticked enough boxes for having an anxiety disorder. Generally my anxiety is only bad when I face tough times in life or major life changes, although I know I have low level anxiety most of the time, it's just not bad enough to meet official diagnosis, perhaps.

At least I know the process now and have had the courage to seek help once so should be able to again if needed. We all know how to access a doctor for physical health and can even walk into a clinic on the day if we need to. It's not great that mental health support is still seen as something that is not really essential until someone is seriously ill and that the government does not really educate people about how to access services. There are lots of messages out there about asking if people are okay and telling people to seek support, but not enough information about what is available and how to access help if you do need or want it. I didn't fully understand the process until I got up the courage to discuss it with my doctor. And he, who is usually a great doctor, seemed really uncomfortable discussing mental health care and keen to persuade me I don't need it.

[Croix]

Dear Keziah~

I get the feeling that you may not feel your GP is seeing your anxiety in it's proper light. I'm sure all doctors have their individual strengths and areas where they have experience and interest as well as areas they are not as comfortable.

I think if it was me for my own peace of mind I'd seek a second opinion. This is not an unusual procedure and it would be exactly right to see another and explain you have already seen your own GP and wished to look further at the matter. Any reputable doctor will be only to happy to have a collegue's opinion in addition to their own.

I've done this once, and the opinions did differ.

Croix