Crying, let it all out!

[white knight]

My mate told me he is an expert of red wine. He thought I was joking when I replied with "I'm an expert at crying".

The fact is that my first 45 years of life I cried countless tears in an era that since Adam, was seen as childish or weak.

I not only had (unbeknown to me) bipolar spectrum, depression and anxiety but also the dreaded dysthymia.

Dysthymia is a chronic low mood depression that has less of a "wave" nature, more a constant sadness. I'm less effected by it now but the memories are permanent scars. Whats it like, how does it feel?

It isnt easy to describe. Anything can trigger it. Even the slightest emotional scene on TV, or seeing someone upset, an injured animal, being disciplined or a big trigger...sad memories. It was responsible for many of my sad poems and sad songs would spark it big time.

It is in effect like other mental illnesses in that it is an extreme state of mind so extreme emotion is an accurate painting of the picture.

As the emotion built up over days I use to try and contain it, do what men "should do" and not cry. That restraint may have lasted a day or more then it would overflow. I learned by 25yo to let it out. So, I'd cry for an hour or so...quite a long time. Recovery no different than others about 2-3 hours (and a headache). At work I'd mastered the "allergic to cigarette smoke excuse or pollen" to explain my red eyes.

On some occasions the bout of crying was so severe it felt like and likely was, going down the road of self destruction. If you ever feel this sad to this extent please get help. I know the difference a low dose of anti depressants can make and its huge. It just tipped me towards normality with my emotions.

Try to look upon your period of crying as a process that needs to be carried out before you'll settle down again. Try not to be reactive nor drive a vehicle, be sensible and aware that the frame of mind you are in during heavy crying isnt cohesive and you have little control. Its a process you cannot rush nor snap out of.

It is treatable. Once treatment is underway you'll do less crying and more living. And thats progress. Its also an act of self preservation and that isnt only good for you but your priceless loved ones.

So let it out, no fear, no embarrassment and no guilt. Then chat with your GP, it could change your life for the better. It did with me.

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Hello White Knight.

Reading your post is like my life atm.. I can't have the TV or radio on as i cry at anything sad even a picture in a magazine a sad story anything gets me going..

I was doing shopping a few times and was just walking the isles when I spotted a jar of olives ( one of my late husbands favourite foods).and lost total control of myself burst into tears and had to leave the shopping centre..this still happens when i shop and come accross different items that have significant memoies to me..

I even start crying when I am driving sometimes and need to pull over until I can controll myself. Watching my 2 dogs playing also gets me crying as one of them was my husbands dog..

Cooking, cleaning, making the bed if i do just about anything I can start crying..

I can really relate to what you have written..

I did have a physiologist but I had to miss an appointment and she hasn't contacted me since, nearly 6 weeks now, I live in a small town and she is the only available therapist. Drs are scarce here as well as they dont stay long and my next appointment isn't until the end of September (another new Dr so more likely then not I won't be able to confide in her.

This is a vicious cycle crying all the time my way of handling it atm is not to go out, no TV, radio, magazines books or Facebook because I'm frightened I will burst into tears. The headaches and sore eyes can last for days after and are hard to deal with..

I am just to sensitive to anyone's problems and again will start crying so I avoid people and mostly I won't even answer my door or phone..

I would really appreciate coping strategies suggestions if you have any as it looks like I need to get myself well as there is no therapist available.

[white knight]

Hi ggrand, welcome

You've described it well. Like a continual grief. I'm happy you've replied.

You can try a walk around. A slight change of scenery takes our focus away. Like taking your dog for a walk.

Try mentally dedication. Eg while you are walking your dog say to yourself "this is what he'd prefer...me walking his dog not being upset"

Both are sort of personal re- direction. Sometimes you need to take control of your mind...or at least steer it.
Google

Maharaji the perfect instrument

Maharaji sunset

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: accepting yourself the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

As the last one suggests, I'm a positive thinker. It doesnt overcome my down times but what that mentality introduces is more of a fighter when I'm in a happier place. When I'm down I remember how good and positive life can be.
My grief as said earlier has produced many of my 250 poems I've written.
Eg an extract from a poem.

"busiest of a herd of humans
The hobo's will did prop
A rich made stooped to hand him a dollar
But the penny didnt drop"

High emotion is worthy of writing it down in prose or a story. Let your tears fall...then return to reality.

You have had to pull back from society. There are positives in that. As time goes by you will recover somewhat and slowly return to some more human contact.

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

I hope that helps. Post/reply anytime. I'm here on and off most days. We live in a tiny town also.

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Hello White Knight.

Thank you very much for your suggestions, I will definitely google those reads and read them, as for walking my dogs my anxiety stops me from going outside ( something that is really getting me down really bad). I will first google your suggested reads and give them a go and see how i go...

I think writing out thoughts when im in a sad or depressed dark spot as well as when I'm in a more calm mood is a good idea I will also try that as i think once you write them down well I'm not sure but I'm thinking maybe that would be a kind of self therapy and somehow could help.

Thank you very much

Karen.