Control issues

[string_cheese]

Hi BB forum readers, 

I am wondering if anyone has the same issue/similar issues as me. I have been told I could have OCPD in the past and am definitely happy to acknowledge that I struggle with chronic anxiety, EDs, and a perfectionistic personality. 

Throughout the last 18 months of recovery I have had a lot of therapy and made some changes in my life and perspective. Along the way though, I realised that I do not really get feelings of joy or happiness unless I am in control. Very, very rarely do I enjoy being in the back seat of life, just letting things happen to me and accepting what comes my way. 

It is so frustrating, because while I have been getting better and better at letting go of control, I wonder if it will always be like this. I don't want to feel perpetually unsatisfied 😞 

[Croix]

Dear String-Cheese~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. I'm afraid it has been quite a while since your  post. Unfortunately the system does not always work as we would like. Please be assured it is not you - or you post.

Anyway, feeling one needs to be in control is very natural and I think most people have it, I certainly do. I am not sure of all the reasons but one may if if once can control one's life one may prevent unpleasant happenings. I'm not sure that idea works out very well.

I think you have been very wise ot get the therapy you have and maybe that has given you some insight into how you feel - and that you are not really happy. (True, I'm guessing). Getting that therapy is in fact a form of taking charge of you life of course, I'd expect you'd agree.

I've found that as my confidence has increased my desire ot control has diminished. Still there of course, but not so often a huge question, do you think you might discuss this  with your therapist?

I've also found that I can immerse myself in some form of endeavor where I am in control from the start. Do you have any hobbies or interests you do just to please you? I write, others paint, collect things and so on. Anything like that for you?

I hope now the conversation has finally started you might like to come back again, I'll watch out for you

Croix

[Tomsgone]

I'd just like to add that reading your words about control has piqued my interest. I would not have described myself that, wouldn't have even thought or had ever crossed my mind, but I feel you may have hit the target. It's really interesting that what you said resonates so strongly with me as I have been described as being quite passive and "docile". But just reading those words,

"Along the way though, I realised that I do not really get feelings of joy or happiness unless I am in control. Very, very rarely do I enjoy being in the back seat of life, just letting things happen to me and accepting what comes my way,"

Man that hits a little too close to home, like a freight train. Something else to ponder. 

[string_cheese]

Hi Croix! Thank you for the kindness. Part of my therapy did involve acknowledging how I really was feeling, and the flaws in my worldview of control and influence. I guess I am built in some sort of way (by a bit of nature, and a bit of nurture) to instinctively act as though bad things around me are both my fault and my responsibility. I've learnt so much about the reality of negative things, how to cope with the anxiety it gives me, and how to focus on my own wellbeing and reactions. You're absolutely right that with confidence in myself, my obsession with fixing things around me drops away. 

And thank you for the reminder about hobbies. I guess that is a safe space where we can be a little obsessive and controlling, and just let it out a bit. I also love a bit of creative writing (poetry especially), and colouring in (those adult colouring-in books haha).  

Reading your response makes me realise some of the perspective shifts I have been working on. I think through the pandemic, and all my mental illness, I have come to accept that bad and unpredictable things happen for no reason sometimes. I still carry some pretty lofty ideals, and my expectations always lean towards 'too-high'. But maybe we can change our expectations/beliefs, and maybe even eventually our personal tendencies, and this is what is carrying me through my journey. 

Happy to discuss more, and interested to hear your experiences 

[string_cheese]

Hi Tomsgone, 

It's interesting to hear that you resonate with that. I'm glad my words made sense! 

It has definitely been a bit of a life changer for me; overcontrolling things can become destructive. And I would say I was much the same, appeared cheerful, agreeable and relaxed for most of my teens and childhood. However, under the surface, I was completely stressed out pretty much all the time. I had to have a complete crisis and lose a lot of opportunities to finally accept some help and learn to accept my reality and feel my feelings. 

Maybe we have some similar life experiences? My environment always felt high-stakes to me even from a young age. I'm sure that was just my perception some of the time, but it was life-shaping nonetheless. 

Anyway I am sorry if you move through life in this way too, I hope you have access to some mindfulness and de-stress strategies to help (as trite as that sounds).