Brendon's Story.

[Brendo82]

Writing my story here is both a catharsis for myself and a message that I hope will become an inspiration for others. If you struggle, if you feel hopeless and that your challenges are too much to overcome, I want you to know that you are not alone. You are stronger than you know, and by opening up to your friends and to your family they will always have your back.

I was originally diagnosed with anxiety disorder when I was 16. Facing my last two years of school, I spun out of control, unable to go out at all and making myself sick just to avoid embarrassment.The cold sweats. The dry mouth. The nausea and the dizzy spells. The racing thoughts and the jack hammer heartbeat. I had it all and I felt I was losing my mind.

 Through CBT counselling, I pushed on and was able to resume a normal life for a time. This was the first time I asked for help, and I have taken the power of that simple act to heart. Never let anyone tell you that seeking that help isn't a massive first step.

But the issues that brought on the anxiety and the attacks were soon swept under the rug. By 24, I was back in counselling when the anxiety blew out into major depressive episodes. I was isolated from friends and family, unsure of my life's direction and carrying more and more emotional and psychological baggage. I admit that when I sought counselling on this occasion, I was not honest, and it was back to square one no matter how hard I tried to deny how sick I became.

 I am now 31. Recently, my accumulated baggage blew up into episodes of self harm.I found myself in front of the mirror hurling abuse at the stranger looking back. I was indulging in self created stories of how I hated myself and that failure was all I could hope for. On the blackest day of my life, I gave myself a self inflicted beating and was unable to stop. When I quite literally could take no more, something in me snapped. I admitted to my partner what I had done and broke down.

 It would have been the easiest thing in the world to lay back down and deny the seriousness of what I had done. Such behaviour had become my bread and butter. One look at the bruises however, and I couldn't just pass it off. I saw for the first time the chain of my illness going back to early childhood, and realised my future was disappearing with every new episode.

I have now sought treatment, long overdue but much welcome. Through regular and ongoing sessions with a psychologist, a course of anti-depressants and frank discussion with my friends and family, I have resolved that this time is going to be different.I have learnt already from ACT ( Acceptance and Committal Therapy ), that I can't make my illness just go away. Denial or self bullying just don't work. I can't flick a switch and suddenly be happy. The bad days will come again, and I will be sad, and I will be angry. I will still have spells of anxiety. This is all ok - these emotions are part of the human experience. ACT therapy instead is about your thoughts - it's about recognising your thoughts both good and bad as being just stories and electing instead to channel your energy into positive activity. It's about investing in the the here and now rather than being weighed down by the things you can't change from your past and the fears about your future.

I'm optimistic about the future. I'm in a clear headspace, and I am determined to take my life back. I get now that I don't have to let my illness overtake my potential. I hope that if you are reading this you too can take heart. Tell your loved ones and do the best you can. The darkest hour really is right before the dawn!

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Brendon,

How many people have been through stuff that bad or are able to write at the moment "I'm in a clear headspace" ?

Maybe when we describe these problems and illnesses to our friends and families we should ask them if they are in a clear headspace too ?

Thanks for sharing you story.  31 is a changing time if you're serious about relationships and even being a dad.  Is this the case ?

Adios, David.