Boundaries for emotional safety after trauma and bereavement

[Janeygirl]

Hi Friends

This is my first time on the forum, I am keen to get views about boundaries. I am supporting my husband who is having a mental health crisis , memories of my grief and loss after the death of our. baby 20 years ago are returning. I turned to a friend for support but she was not able to listen. I came away feeling worse. She lost a child herself but has not done any counselling afterwards. In the past she was very supportive to me. I said that I couldn't continue the conversation as I wasn't feeling safe. I was kind and firm. I am left feeling sad and guilty and a sense that I should be cheering her up. I said we ll catch up after the crisis and said I needed to be safe, she apologised . I am sad

Any tips on boundaries and maintaining friendships

thanks 😊

[White_Rose]

Dear Janeygirl

A warm welcome to the forum, so pleased you feel safe here. It is a good place to 'talk' knowing no one will harm you.

Memories are inconvenient things at times. Just when you think it's safe to get back in the water along comes another shark. Sadly I think this will be a regular thing. The loss of a child stays with you always and the grief can surface again at any time. I wish there was a way of remembering without pain but I doubt this. Usually it is a good plan to talk about what is happening. It seems this time to have triggered your friend's unhappiness as well which can happen very easily.

Talking to someone who has experienced the same thing sounds good as you can empathise with each other. On the other hand one of you may become even more upset. I know that apparently ordinary events can trigger my distress without me realising it will happen. We can be very fragile people at times. Can you contact the person who gave you counselling and go back for a 'refresher'? It may be better at this time than talking to your friend who seems to be going through the same trauma. Probably unhelpful for both of you.

Boundaries are a tricky problem because they change depending on who you are talking to. Family members, friends, neighbours, GP etc are all situated at different distances from you and have varying boundaries including their own. Recognising the other person's needs as well as your own can change frequently.

What you say and what you will listen to varies depending on the trust you have in that person. Casual acquaintances are not usually given details of your most private thoughts and feelings. I have several friends who I trust very much and count myself fortunate they are there. Other friends are kind and helpful but not people I would be comfortable telling my biggest worries. I think you need to decide the boundaries you are comfortable with in each case and even each conversation because our feelings change so much depending on the situation.

I gather the conversation with your friend started with you asking for support and your friend wanting to talk about her grief. I think that is a bit simplified but that's what it sounds like. I have a friend who does the same. I know she will turn the conversation to herself no matter what. So I no longer talk about anything worrying because it is so disappointing to end up listening to stories I have heard so many other times. When I need help I will go to someone else.

Mary

[Paw Prints]

Hi Janeygirl,

Having boundaries is important for everyone's mental health, some boundaries will be rigid, most will be flexible dependent on a variety of factors.

"I am left feeling sad and guilty and a sense that I should be cheering her up. "

I don't believe you have done anything you need to be feeling guilty about. I feel being able to express yourself honestly ( I said that I couldn't continue the conversation as I wasn't feeling safe.) is something that goes hand in hand with being close friends. I know if a friend had turned to me for support & felt that our conversation was becoming more about me or making them feel worse I would want them to feel that they could tell me so. If a friend asked me to give them space until they felt able to reconnect as being with me triggered unwanted thought/feelings I would not be offended ( I would be sad). I'm guessing your friend doesn't make a habit of always turning the conversation to herself or you would not have chosen her for support at this time. It seems you may both have had feelings triggered & so a break at this stressful time would probably be of benefit to you both.

Paw Prints

[Janeygirl]

Thank you

Your words were very reassuring . It helped me to have compassion for my friend.

Thank you

[Janeygirl]

Thank you, it's helpful knowing that you have a friend who is similar . My friend talks about other people's pain and her narrative is all about disappointment and the system letting someone else down. I have given her direct gentle feedback in the past but there has been no change. I take it personally and think it's about me! In fact it's about her

The last time was when our friend suicided and she was not able to show compassion. It was still about her own conflict with her daughter.That was when I kept a distance away from her

I don't understand why my friend is unable to listen and be there for me. In the past she has been able to do so. I have asked her in the past and she says I don't know

I guess these conversations can wait to a later date . I have other lovely friends who are there for me

i will check in with my counsellor

Thank you again

[White_Rose]

Hello Janeygirl

So pleased I could help you.

It seems everyone can or ought to be compassionate which is not always the case. It requires you to be able to almost put yourself in someone else's shoes and that can be scary. Your friend perhaps could not do this because maybe she has had suicidal thoughts. Feeling sad for someone could be a little close to home. Ignoring the suicide or complaining about the system is probably a reflection of where she is.

In the past you said she was able to listen to you and give you support. Was this before she lost her baby? If so it may now be the case that she is simply afraid of life, hence the complaints about the system. If she lets herself feel too much she perhaps thinks she will become upset and must protect herself against this. This is just my guess. I think more people do this than we realise.

You are a confident person and accept that life can be painful at times. You don't like it of course but you do not try to run away from it all. That takes a lot of courage and determination and I applaud your strength.

I am now going to exercise my strength and go to an appointment with my psychiatrist. 😊 It can be nerve wracking at times.

Mary

[Janeygirl]

Hi Mary

Well done on making the decision about going to the psychiatrist

That sound courageous

I have had a good week in the end. Feeling good after putting in boundaries . And acting in compassion for myself

I can then have compassion for my friend. In the past i have reacted in anger n frustration

She used to be there for me. But cannot be there now

Thats ok .I am not sure why

Sometimes I wonder if she has early dementia as her emotional reactions do not make sense

I still hold her in friendship

Thanks again

Looking forward to chatting again

Janeygirl