Boosting of self-esteem

[Neil_1]

Hi good people of Beyond Blue;

Without doubt a key factor that contributes to our mental health issues is the complete lack of self esteem that we have of ourselves.  We consider ourselves of not being worthy, not being able to achieve tasks and completely lacking in skills of life.  There's possibly other things as well, but I'll stop at that.  Also comparing ourselves to other people - I think that's a "no-no" of monumental proportion.  Every one is different - everyone has their own personalities, traits and skills - but you know what, I bet everyone has their own issues and while we may see someone else as being:  "popular, confident, seemingly doing well for themselves and perhaps even in a relationship or not" things don't always appear as they seem with that person - so don't compare yourself with others.

Back to self-esteem.  I was shown just recently an exercise where I had to get my age (and so this can be done by EVERYONE, because we all have an age) and divide your age into 3 sections.  I'm 48;   so mine was from:

0 - 16;    17 - 33  &  34 - 48  (something like that anyway)

Each of these is a heading and then below that type up "dot points" for things that you achieved between those ages - and dear people, it can be anything - anything and everything.

eg:  0-16:  I'd learned to walk, talk, run, ride a bike, how to write, how to read, play different sports;  I was quite successful as a cricketer, so I bang on a lot more about my cricketing achievements.

17-33:  move from country town to city and find a job - and so earn money - more sporting achievements, etc etc.

They aim for this is to produce 101 items (as a minimum).  But hey, don't stress it if you can't - commence it;  save it and go back to it.  It's a "living" document - where it can be added to at any time in the future.  Maybe by new achievements/successes or that you've remembered another achievement from your past.

And then keep looking at it and going over it;  over and over it and embed these images in your head.  That you ARE a brilliant person, you are a SPECIAL person, that you HAVE achieved a massive amount in your life.

For those wishing to extend yourself, I've actually just thought of a new column:   for achievements that you'd like to accomplish in your future:   that could be anything:  like hitting a hole in one in golf, to finding that special man/woman in your life, to backing the trifecta in the Melbourne Cup;  to seeing a Justin Beiber concert, to going on a holiday overseas.

Anything dear people - the power is in your fingers to type away - the power is in your mind to produce these lists.

GO FOR IT.

Neil

ps:  I was totally kidding about the Justin Beiber comment!  No "hate" responses please.  🙂

[Mares73]

Neil that is a brilliant idea, I've written it all down & will do it later. Another one I thought of was to write a list oa all the compliments you'd ever received & try add your strengths to it-then in another column list what you don't like about yourself & most importantly WHY. Our sense of self is influenced by so many factors, many of them external to us ie we are sensitive & our own worst critics so try & reflect on why we feel the negative emotions that affect our Selfesteem? Often they are not based on anything factual or concrete but on our tendency to be super self critical. My Pyschologist asked me to write 3-5 things each day that I had achieved-these could include strengths, things I'd done to assist others, things I'd done for my own personal growth, acts of kindness etc. it's not easy to do but have a go. It's interesting if I was asked to do the exercise in reverse ie list 3-5 negative things about myself I'd do it within a minute! Thanks heaps for this information, I'm going to try it-I'm looking for exercises like this to challenge myself. Lve Mares xxx

[Mares73]

Neil my other thread "Holding onto ..." Is a personal account of all I'm facing at the moment & it's a 3 way conversation between me, you and Geoff. I really value your input there but I'm also glad you started this thread. As you know for me-my biggest issue I'm facing is how to find/build/develop Selfesteem. It's an issue for so many people with depression as you have pointed out. This is a brilliant thread Neil. My Pyschiatrist & Pyschologist say my biggest issue at the moment is that I'm so fragile because "my Selfesteem is below ground zero and that until I develop some I will be too vulnerable to confront & challenge the issues in my life that I need to. But my biggest fear & it's been on my mind every day all week is how do you develop or find self esteem especially when you've spent most of your life being criticisized by others to the point you end up believing you are unworthy? How do you develop Selfesteem on your own without any help from others. Neither my Pyschiatrist or Pyschologist gave me any idea how or where to start so I'd really appreciate any input or advice. Lve Mares xxx

[Jo3]

Great post Neil!!

OK here is mine:

0-16 yrs:  born 10 weeks prem and survived; learnt how to walk, talk

17-33 yrs:  attended secretarial college and obtained diploma, offered a job through college; married at 20; after 5 yrs of trying to conceive we now have 3 beautiful children (adults); moved homes to a beautiful seaside town (where we are now)

 34-48 yrs: got a new job; helped children in classroom at school; joined tennis club and played womens night tennis for 3 yrs; joined tennis committee for 7 yrs; joined school committee for 4 yrs; emjoying freedom now with kids grown up.  Now daughter has boyfriend living with us; son has girlfriend and her family have welcomed us into their family; did a 21st party last year for our daughter and last night for our son.

 April-Dec 2014:  Commencing my course in Cert IV Massage Therapy; having a 50th birthday party for my husband in May; an 18th birthday party for our youngest son in June; going to Cairns in May for our anniversary; finish course in December.

Jo

[MaryG]

Hey Neil, sounds like a good exercise. Elf esteem (oops that should be self esteem but thought I'd leave it because it made me laugh) is one of my biggest issues. My husband doesn't get it because he sees this successful, talented, confident and competent woman. He doesn't really understand how I can't always see the same person. It's all part of the act I suppose. The image I portray to the world. 

Now if you want to go and see Justin Beiber that's totally OK. We don't judge on this site!

Mary

[Neil_1]

Picture this:

Fast drum beat kicks in and then it's Donkey singing at the end of Shrek II ::

"And then I saw her face, Now I'm a Belieber, Not a trace of doubt in my mind, I'm in luuurrrve, [oooooohhhhhh] now I'm a Belieber, I couldn't Belieber if I tried".

Oh darn, I've just ruined that song for everyone!

I loved the elf esteem comment too.  🙂

Ahh yes, the image that 'we in our minds eye' portray to the world.  A successful, talented, confident, competent (and you left off) highly intelligent woman is what your husband sees ... which is what the rest of the world sees.  But yes, when you look in the mirror (when I look in the mirror) we see someone completely different.  It's really hard. 

BUT, those depictions of yourself shouldn't just be cast on a post within a thread of Beyond Blue - Mary, I honestly think you owe it to yourself to do something with those words.  Print them out, in a group or individually;  what about individually, in a nice bold font and good size and then with the aid of the ever-handy fridge magnet, stick them to the front of your fridge.  How many times a day then will you encounter those words and each time that you do, you'll know exactly who they relate too.  Wow, I only just thought of this then, but that seems like a reasonable idea.  Especially of a night time for me for the amount I toddle to and from the fridge for a tasty beverage or two.

In my initial post on this subject I forgot to say:  Dear people of Beyond Blue, please write on this thread with any thoughts that YOU might have to improve one's self esteem.  I think the more variety of thought here the better.

So again GO FOR IT, but post away and I'd love to hear people's thoughts or suggestions for other ways.

Cheers to one and all;  and to one and all, I say cheers,

Neil

[Jo3]

Neil

I don't like myself at all.  My self esteem is zero.  I don't look at myself in the mirror (ok except for applying make up) but don't look and say gee Jo you are beautiful!! No way I can't do that.

As for self esteem or confidence - not me at all.  I don't believe in myself, don't think I can achieve anything at all, even this course I am going to do - i don't really think i can do it; don't think I can pass but we'll see.

I don't think I am worthy of anything, don't think I am a high achiever at all, not me.

I am not a strong person at all, I am very weak and soft.  I take things to heart and feel for people. I am a caring person to others but when it comes to me - not at all.

I think I am a bit like Mary where I wear my masks for a lot of people and they don't see me as me; they don't see the real me.

The only people that get to see me are: my GP, psych and you guys on here. Even though you don't actually see me but you read all about me, the true me.

 I am digressing now, sorry!!

Jo

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Neil and all,

An excellent way to improve one's self esteem is by getting a self help book on the subject. I have a book called "Self Esteem" by Matthew McKay, Ph.D. & Patrick Fanning that is brilliant! The contents include:

The Nature of Self-Esteem

The Pathological Critic

Disarming the Critic

Accurate Self-Assessment

Cognitive Distortions

Compassion

The Shoulds

Handling Mistakes

Responding to Criticism

Asking for What You Want

Visualization

Hypnosis for Self-Acceptance

I'm still Not Ok

Building Self-Esteem in Children

The book is one of a kind as it EXPLAINS why we have these self defeating behaviours as well as what we can do to fix them. I thoroughly recommend it. It has helped me a great deal.

Cheers

Henry

[guest75]

Excellent idea Neil, im going to give this a go

Its funny though, i never imagined you as the type of guy dreaming of attending a Justin Bieber concert 😉

[Mares73]

Hi all I'm supposed to find some Selfesteem before I can have therapy according to my Pyschologist. And my Pyschiatrist also thinks its the first foundational issue I have to address before I can make other changes in my life. They both believe I have no Selfesteem hence I'm being held back by fear & avoidance because my confidence is so low & my self perception so negative & self critical. Henry if you see this msg- I kLoooked for the "Swlfesteem book". There were lots Matthew McKay but difficult to find one that was also written by Patrick Fanning. Ill go through Amazon again in case I missed it & if they don't have. It ill try "The Book Depository". Looks like a great book-could really help me at the moment. And Jo you have such low confidence that like me you can't see who and what you are truly like as a person. Whereas I & others see you as such a wonderful, caring, genuine, generous, strong & beautiful person who has so much to offer. Anyone that gets to know you Jo is a very lucky person because they wouldn't find a better friend than you. I think you are very strong & brave & you always try your hardest to work things out. Your a fighter and a survivor. I value you so much-your friendship is very special to me. I'm very lucky to have you in my life. Thankyou for being such a beautiful caring person. Lve Mares xxx