BEING POSITIVE what's the secret?

[white knight]

When the world is evil, people are cruel and nothing works out for you.How can you possibly rise up above it all?

We live on a cliff face. At any moment we could fall over it. I know now that by being positive I will never fall over it even though I still sit on that cliff edge.It's a paradox but that cliff face is a reminder of where I could have ended up had I not changed my thinking. I was programmed a boy of doom and gloom. I had to erase the tape and reboot.

There are two ways of changing from a negative person to a positive one. The first is shock. Attending a lecture or having a serious event in your life take place whereby you snap into positivity. The second is slowly changing your thinking process over time.

Whenever you are faced with a negative you have to replace it with a positive. How do we do that. It isnt easy and for some it isnt obvious at all. Here are some examples-

I'm miserable because its cold and raining outside - I'm happy that I'm warm and dry inside in front of a fire

My brother died at 27 and I was only 24yo - I'm proud of my brothers achievements over such a short life

I baked a cake and it was a failure - I baked a cake and left the egg out, I'll do better ext time

I had to wait at the doctors for 2 hours - The doctor might have had an emergency

I cant get out of bed - I am unwell today, I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow

I've been branded a snob - I am a quiet person but I am kind and considerate and dont need to prove it

You get the picture. It takes practice.  Some tragedies arent easy to swallow. We live in the country and seeing animals killed on the side of the road is hurtful. My wife and I tend to say to each other "well, if they were injured we'd get them to the refuge to give them a chance". 

Give it a go. Be persistent.  You will drop back into negativity often but keep trying. In the end like me you will sit on that cliff edge but one day you'll take a peak over the edge to realise the drop is only a few feet, not the kilometres it used to be.

[Jo3]

Hi John

I wish I could drink more alcohol - that would solve a lot of my problems.  I could drink all day and night and forget all my problems.

Hey John can I ask you something? If you don't want to answer you don't have to. Just thinking that a few posts ago you said to Neil you are a "wig" - does that mean Italian or Greek?

I am italian and have come from a very strict family upbringing. My mum ruled our home even to the point that she still does now. My port dad just does what she says.

I love family get togethers but unfortunately our family is now broken to bits and I don't see anyone.  You know my mum comes from a family of 10 so I have lots of aunties, uncles, and cousins that I have not seen for over 20 years. That to me is so sad, I wish my family were different but you can't change that.

Family means so much to me, it actually hurts me to my heart when i think of family, i can't type anymore.

I'm sorry John

Jo

[White_Rose]

Dear John

Wow that's an evocative greeting.  Interesting post and in general I agree with your comments.  I carefully refrained from mentioning God's will as that can open a whole can of worms.  But since you have already said it (and I can blame you) I will respond.

I don't believe that God wants bad things to happen.  We have been given free will to do our own thing and if we choose the wrong things, then we will need to manage the consequences.  The biggest problem of course is when other people do the wrong thing by us.  Do we blame others or God?  To me the obvious answer is the other person. 

I am not in favour of the idea that we must simply endure because 'someone' has decreed that it's my turn to be hit by a lightening bolt.  What a vindictive and irrational God that makes.   So no, we neither deserve good or bad things to happen nor can we stop the actions of others impinging on our lives.

When it comes to mental health problems and similar situations I cannot give a reason other than somewhere in our past, probably many generations ago, we acquired a useless mutation in our genes.  All very unscientific I know but then as no one knows what causes mental illness it's as a good a cause any other.

Look forward to your comments.

White Rose

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

I'll just hi-jack in here, while John is perhaps catching up on some down time.

I think he was actually refering to himself and not me - I think he jokingly called himself a 'wog'.

2nd point:  no Jo, keep to what you're doing and don't take up with the evil drink.  I think that would be a big no no for you.  I don't think it would help.  Just my thoughts though.

Last point:  families.  There's absolutely millions and millions of them out there.  Some'll be brilliant, some'll be awful, some'll be ... you get my drift already - meaning, as much as we would really love something to be special and different, for the extended family, if it's broken, it's broken.  And while sad as that may be, that's just the way it is.  My family is broken in half also - that's sad and too bad, but what I know that I'm going to do is to make my OWN family a strong bond that will endure.  Or having said that, I'm going to try my damndest for that to be so.

Neil

[Neil_1]

Slight addendum to my last post in the last para:   I just re-read and I emphasis that my OWN family (the four of us - are brilliant - and not broken in half), we're great.

It's my 'extended' family - of mum, bro and another blood relative (commonly referred to as another brother) which is severed.

Addendum now fixed and closed.

I now pass the keyboard on to the next willing poster.

[white knight]

Dear White Rose

"mutation in our genes"  in reference to mental illness being handed down.  I highly suspect my mother to have BPD and furthermore has been destructive to all and sundry over her lifetime.  It was over 30 years ago my uncle (her only sibling) visited and I was able to have the one and only private chat with him to try and figure out what the 'real' problem was. He said "whatever it is, is been in all the females in our family"

Years later I had more opportunities to connect with my mothers aunties, all 3 of them. There was a strong vein of dominance/control/erratic behaviour in all of them, the traits were similar.

I'm still non conclusive on this but highly suspect that these things are handed down and have been for generations. Furthermore I've read up a bit on the children of BPD parents and the mental issues they can have as a result.  It's been an eye opener for me.

Apologies to others with BPD. My comments are not to read that I'm demonising you. Just my reflection of my own family situation.

[geoff]

dear WK, I had typed out a reply but it's gone, so here we go again, but the second reply is never as good as the first, ***************** it.

Well this is an interesting post ( so far so good ), and there have been many good comments made by you all. ( just waiting for my brain to kick in ).

I do like what you have said ' I had to erase the tape and reboot', as this is what I had to do to overcome my depression, because there were many problems that I could never solve, or try and rationalise with, so I wiped them off, knowing that it was impossible for me to get out of being depressed.

We have Mares, who has now taken legal action against a 'priest', who was trained to believe, honour, respect his god's words as gospel, and behave in an ordinally manner, but no he hasn't, so he should be disrobed, and depending on the outcome then Mares maybe able to move forward, however if this c********p is let off then Mares will probably stay in depression, but we hope not.

There are other circumstances where people have had to struggle through other situations, and I will not mention any of these people just to protect them, but they will know who I mean, and in their position I don't believe that any counselling can make these wonderful people forget, but perhaps time might erase their grieve, I maybe wrong.

People who are born into wealth, have no financial worries, and if you won tatts they will probably say 'is that all', or 'I want half', however there are some wealthy people who have made some stupid decisions and then gone broke, and want people to help them out, but it would never go the other way.

Take for example someone who was not born into money, but they go and play the pokies, and have $4000 in credit, which would pay off many of their bills, but no, they continue to play hoping for another big win, guess what they lose the lot and come out crying poor, all because of their stupidity, but back to these rich people, well their lives do not always turn out to be happy, as Neil has said about all the celeb's who have lost their money, and by their own fault, so it's not always easy for them, if we forget about their wealth, and as WR said ' certainly have other life difficulties'.

John has said ' Some seem to get more ups than downs' and boy this is certainly the case in life, while Jo said ' do you think that things happen for a reason', well yes and no, the chap playing the pokies certainly happened because he wasn't thinking logically, so yes there is a reason why he lost.

I had better push reply because typing it for the third I maybe talking about Jack and Jill went up the ladder. Geoff.

[Jo3]

Hey WK

I have BPD and I am pretty sure that my mum has it also; although she will never ever seek help from a professional.

Not sure if any others in her family have it as well but I think maybe one or two do.

I am worried that my daughter will have some traits of this as well and I worry about her so much.

Jo

[white knight]

Dear Geoff,  

yes I take your point.  I'm not materialistic by the way. Just people born into wealth and other things in life - just isnt a fair playing field but that's life eh. You make a lot of sense in your post.

Jo,    I described to a wise friend once the actions of my mother and he guessed she was narcissistic. I googled that and came up with BPD.  I studied BPD and in particularly a book written by Dr Christine Lawson.  If you google Witch,queen,waif hermit   - there are sites galore on this.

This read was the greatest revelation to me in my lifetime.  Why?  Because in my case it described all 4 characters of my mother and the difficulties me, friends, family and my siblings had with her over many decades. Googling "children of BPD mothers" also was revealing because many of us have illnesses like depression, lack of confidence and anxiety from this lottery draw.

Of cause there is an issue that will prevail.My mother wasnt and never will be diagnosed.  In total denial. "There's something wrong with you...not me".  Reading further I found that those with BPD rarely seek professional help and those that do last only a short time due to their controlling stance. 

I know this revelation that my mother likely has BPD in its broadest and definite description has allowed me to see clearly the reasons for the problems our family has endured, the unpredictability, the turmoil, the revenge (the witch), the blackmail - The queen-  "I'll kill myself if you kids dont behave",  the WAIF of sobbing to my father when he arrived home so we get a belting from him.....etc.  it all made sense.  Read up on it Jo.

And remember- as to your children and worrying about if they have inherited it- worry is non productive.

love  WK

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

Thank you for your post. I referred to the self medication of grog, perhaps too flippantly, and agree with Neil that it is not the answer. I guess it is what I turn to on the days I'm not strong enough to do the hard yards. Please don't take it as an endorsement on the virtue's of alcoholism!

Yes, I did refer to myself as a "wog". Dad's side of the family is Greek and I was born and grew up in Australia so was exposed to both cultures. I have tended to adopt the Mediterranean values in many ways but also sometimes laugh at myself and family as we could be out of Central Casting with all the stereotypes we have going on. I'll give you an example. I am a big guy (125kg) and last time I was in Greece (2012) my three aunties fed me up like I was going to be the main course at some other feast. They are all excellent cooks and do not understand phrases such as "I am full." or "I just ate before I got here." They begrudgingly relent but it always seems like they think their cooking is not up to scratch when I can't eat any more. Anyway, as I was saying goodbye to one aunty before I left for my flight, she hugged me and said "I pray God will let me live long enough to see you again." followed by, "And try to lose some weight." I love how they are.

Last night, however, I was at home having dinner and I got a call to say the father of the mechanic from work had died. I had never met him and he'd been struck down with cancer eighteen months ago. We all knew the end was near. Still, the mechanic is Italian so I got changed into better clothes, left my dinner on the table and drove 25km to the family home (that I'd never been to before) to eat from a table laden with food, drink a moderate amount of wine and meet with bereaved relatives for four hours, to pay my respects. When I got there, the mechanic looked at me through eyes red from hours of crying like I was a close relative and hugged and kissed me and thanked me for visiting. Then he set about trying to get me to eat and drink, as he'd been doing with the other guests. He is the eldest son, too, so I imagine he felt like he had a lot of duty to carry out for family and community honour.

Those examples are but a taste of life with wogs, but I like it.

I understand your lament about broken families. On my mum's side (the Aussie culture) we are fragmented, not at all close and I'm pretty convinced some of my uncles cannot remember the names of any of my children, they see them so infrequently. My sister and I are close but separated by distance. The others, not so close. 

On my dad's side, I am close to all of them that live in Australia. My uncle is like a dad, in my eyes. My dad left mum when I was a toddler and my uncle always stepped in as much as he was allowed by my still-angry-at-dad mum. He had/has his own wife and kids but to this day sees me regularly and knows who all the kids are in the extended family.

My cousins and I are all big guys, tall, heavy or both, and we still move in for the hug and kiss when we meet. It wouldn't matter if we were at a house or a McDonalds. Some people probably think we are "bears" going at it. LOL.

Anyway Jo, I suppose I have realised that I can have the relationships I want IF the other person wants them too. I guess that is true of family, lovers and friends. I am dismayed that some people do not want that closeness (especially family) but I try to understand that they are probably as set in their ways as I am with mine. Not everyone has the ability to auto critique and even those that do cannot always address what they find.

For what it is worth, I would urge you to revel in the relationships that are two way and accept those that are not. This message is coming from a guy whose teenage daughter has barely spoken to him in four years! 

Also, to me, you do not have to share my bloodline to be seen as family by me. I have a two close mates that are like brothers to me and a heap of God children that I love dearly and would really take on responsibility for if their parents died. When we wogs sign up for being a God parent, it is a serious commitment. (Not saying others don't, but I am a God father to some Aussie friends and they only expected a gold cross and bible for the baby, and that I turn up at the Christening!)

You have friends on this site and they care for you. Like family does.

Kind regards, John

[geoff]

dear Jo, BPD can run in families, so can any other type of depression and this includes OCD, but I believe that it can also jump a generation, the same as twins, but what you need to do is to have her tested by your doctor, because the earlier it's diagnosed the better chance to treat it. L Geoff. x