Being a mum is hard

[AutismMum]

I have always been very driven in my life and have built a successful career where I take care of many clients / brands solving their problems. At work I am calm. In control. I can take on so much work without feeling anxious - I somehow like the adrenaline of having a lot on my plate and working through it multitasking and making things happen.

So what keeps me up at night? What makes my throat close up and sends a ring to my ears? I'm a mum of two kids who are both on the spectrum of autism (one is diagnosed and one is in the process of that). Both kids are high functioning which means they easily slip through the cracks if not diagnosed, but it also means that I have become their advocate every step of the way. My whole life outside work is making plans and strategies to help the kids in their daily struggles. Setting meetings with therapists. Doing research. Creating plans for the school, for the speech path, for the psych, for the OT... It is mentally exhausting and draining and never goes away.

Just thinking about it right now is making me feel anxious. Work is an escape from that feeling. I'm a doer and a fixer but somehow I cannot fix this situation. It's completely outside my control.

Just breathe. Just breathe.

[Deckt]

Hi AutismMum,

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. One of my boys is on the spectrum too. He is also one of those boys that can slip through the cracks. His meltdowns (though increasingly rare these days) tend to be very internalised, so it can be very difficult to know when he's having a hard day.

I may be reading too much into your post, but it sounds like the father of your boys is either out of the picture entirely, or maybe just not stepping up. Is there any possibility that he could be doing a little more to help? I'm sorry if this is a sensitive subject.

[Matchy69]

Hi AutismMum,i do know how tiring it is have children with Autism.I have son allmost 8 y.o with Autism and ADHD and he is very full on and o have 16y.o daughter with Aspergers and selective Mutism.I have Aspergers as well.I know about the endless amount of appointments Psychiatrist,psycologist,speech,physio,OT ect it seems to never end and allways appointments coming up.I try and do things 50/50 with my ex wife sharing appointments and time i'm on call with the school.I still strughle even sharing this load and it sounds like you are doing all of it yourself which l respect you for.Do you have someone who can mind the kids now ant then and give yourself a break? I know you use work as a break but you do need some time to yourself to enjoy things.

Take care,

Mark.

[AutismMum]

Great question and thanks for checking in. Dad is in the picture but 'busy building a business' so travels half of the year, which makes it hard to consistently rely on him. And on the other hand - he is ignorant to the fact that the kids are on the spectrum (in most ASD families there is always one of the parents that tend to not want to believe the diagnosis..). . But yes, stepping up to support is an easy one and I should let him do it more. I think I tend to jump in and handle things because it's my nature.

[Deckt]

Hey AutismMum!

Thanks for replying. I feel for you a lot over the denial of the spectrum. I went through that too. I just didn't want to accept that my boy was 'broken'. Note that that was how I was feeling then, not now. My son is just fine, he has a little more difficulty understanding the world. So what? He's a good guy, and I wouldn't change him if I could.

There's a really good book called Raising Boys, by Steve Biddulph. I understand that he has also written Raising Girls, though I haven't read it. There's a part in it that really speaks to the situation you're in with your husband.

"Listen closely - for fathers this is the most important sentence in this whole book: If you routinely work a fifty-five or sixty-hour week, including travel times, you just won't cut it as a dad."

I know. That sounds super harsh, particularly when a lot of families are struggling to make ends meet, even with both parents working. I get that he's building a business, and that takes time. But, as a man, I'd say that raising a family also takes time, and is more important, particularly if all of the responsibility for parenting lands on you. And that quote above? It's not aimed at families with special needs, but all families. Adding the spectrum into the mix means more time is needed.

I think that it's possible that your husband doesn't understand the difficulties you are facing. Maybe you have probably tried to explain it to him, but he just didn't seem to get it? He needs to get it, for his sake, for yours, and for your children's. I'd suggest getting a copy of the book, reading it, and highlighting the sections you think are helpful to him. It's a very easy read - I try to read it a couple of times a year. My mother gave it to me shortly after I became a father for the first time, saying ' I wish I had this book when you were still a kid'.

I hope this hasn't come over too preachy, or harsh towards your husband. I have no doubt that he's a good guy and a good partner and father. But we can be a bit dumb when it comes to emotional needs. And very unobservant.

[Lu_luck]

I feel your stress!! Please don't take offense to what I'm about to say, because you are doing such an amazing job!! I'm guessing that if your partner is being ignorant to the fact your children have Autism then they must be coping fine and getting on with it. Just because we all don't fit into the perfect mould of what society expects , we try and over compensate by attending extra therapies or tutoring etc. Now, from my experience, don't let some tests and GP or psych tell you who your children are, they are their own individual beings who will create and express themselves and be the beauty in this world.

I have my younger sister who is autistic sister as well as my father. My best mate is autistic and the most BEAUTIFUL and amazing human being I've ever known.