Dear everyone, It has been a very long arduous road. I find it hard to
remember a day in the past when I was happy, or simply joyous and
content. Many unfortunate events happened in my life the past few years
and sometimes I find it hard to different...
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Dear everyone, It has been a very long arduous road. I find it hard to
remember a day in the past when I was happy, or simply joyous and
content. Many unfortunate events happened in my life the past few years
and sometimes I find it hard to differentiate whether the depression was
caused by the tragedies or simply compounded by it. For most of my life
I pride myself as being unnaturally strong. I survived a very traumatic
childhood, defy all ridiculous conventions set upon me, left home as a
teenager and achieved a lot of things in life including academic,
athletics, world travel and was able to retire financially before I
turned 40 years old. Yet the cruel irony was, with my potent survival
instincts I seemed to be a hopeless judge of people and had invited too
many toxic scumbags into my life. Nearly everyone I had loved, including
my own parents and only sibling had betrayed my trust and faith and in
my time of need no one stayed around. I broke. Really badly, many times.
All this time, when all around can fail me, I can always rely on me, I
had never seen me fail myself this bad. There were no safety net, no
family and no friends to help. The number of times I had cried myself to
oblivion, the number of days I lock myself in my beautiful house never
uttering a word with anyone; the number of days not having a friend to
share a meal with. I had lost count. The words that got me through this
ordeal: "The depth of darkness to which you can descend and still live
is an exact measure of the height to which you can aspire to reach."
(-Pliny the Elder). Every night before I sleep I was glad to survive the
day. Every morning I wake I tried to do something useful whilst I'm
alive. I reckon, as long as I am not dead, the reason for my existence
may one day be known to me. I found a great psychologist whom reached
into the root of my problems and helped me resolve them. I started to
see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is still difficult; I lapse
into bad moment every once in a while. I have to keep reminding myself
to be patient. I am taming the beast and rebuilding my mind. It does not
happen overnight. I am kinder, gentler to myself now. I am trying very
hard to trust people again. Anyways, I kind of just wanted to say this
to the void. I am looking forward to the day I am strong and whole
again, because I miss that formiable person whom I hope will scale some
stupendous heights one day.