Assertiveness with Respect..

[Ggrand]

Hello Everyone...

Living my life as not allowed to say no, or question anything at all, in other words...just do what you’re told to do...it even entered into the say what I tell you to say.....this happened both when I was younger and then in a marriage for 38 years with a narcissist man...The repercussions that followed me...when not doing/saying what I was told....has left me very afraid of speaking up and of facing any type confrontation....that I immediately freeze, listen to their hurtful words, go straight into flight mode...then run a way to somewhere quiet and cry....later on, could be minutes or hours later, I start degrading myself very harshly for being such a doormat a coward for not speaking up for myself, for not protecting my rights or defending myself....even when I know 100% that I didn’t deserve the outburst from the other person......

Somewhere, down along the track, I start thinking.... maybe she/he was right, maybe I did do or say something wrong....and guilt sets in... me feeling bad about myself causing them to have an outburst...maybe it was me after all...my brain involuntary, continuously going over and over the words, actions, facial expressions of what was said...I’ve now convinced myself I caused it all....and PTSD starts taking me back....

The next time I need to see that person again....I feel shame, guilt, and avoid talking or being in the same room as they are...

It’s a vicious cycle to be stuck in....I’ve been stuck in it so long now....My support worker, said that I need to respect myself enough to stand up for myself....

I do respect myself...maybe in another way though...It’s just that, yelling, shouting, swearing and the look on people faces...when angry trigger me into freeze, flight mode.....

Has anybody been able to set aside their fear of confrontation and managed to stand up for themselves?....did it make you feel good inside yourself that you did it...or did you later regret it?

I would love to hear from others about how being assertive or lack of it...effects you....maybe we can help each other to understand more about how to be even a little bit assertive with respect of course...for both ourselves and the other person/s involved...

My kindest thoughts with my care...

Grandy...

[livi_mivi]

Hey Grandy,

Thank you for showing great courage in sharing this on the forum. It sounds as though this cycle has become quite discouraging and overwhelming. I am glad that you have reached out to the community on this forum.

I myself has struggled with assertiveness. In the past, I felt ignored and voiceless. It lead to exerting my efforts into things that weren't fulfilling to me because my worth was derived from external validation. Often, this left me feeling extremely exhausted and deflated. Here are a few things that I found particularly helpful:

1. Seeking the help of a professional: Often, people pleasing come from a place of low self worth and these thoughts become intrusive. I found that a professional was able to identify my faulty thinking and help me out with deriving worth from within rather than seeking validation from others. These are learnt patterns that we were exposed to continually and thus took on as default.

2. Relaxation techniques: When I was in confrontational situations, my fight or flight responses that you described above were activated. It wasn't until I could identify that I wasn't in any danger and learn to relax in those situations that I could really see any progress. I found that meditation and deep breathing really helped me to ground myself in the moment and therefore helped me to manage my emotions better.

3. Creating boundaries: I think understanding what you are not comfortable with and why is extremely important when it comes to being assertive. Once I could recognise areas or situations that left me feeling uncomfortable or unfulfilled, I could move on to setting boundaries with others

4. Setting boundaries: This was the most difficult aspect for me. I found that using I statements rather than you statements were extremely helpful when discussing boundaries with others. "I feel ..... when ......." VS "You make me feel .........when....". Following that with how you wish for things to be moving forward is important. Often, people might not understand that they are crossing a boundary, so it is important that they know that a certain boundary exists to prevent it from happening in future. Be aware that some reactions will be unwarranted and that speaks on their character rather than yours. Sometimes, it might be best to reflect on whether having this person in your life is fulfilling.

You are worthy and deserving of good things in life. I wish you all the best in your journey and have every faith in you!

[Petal22]

Hi Ggrand,

Thank you for your great thread.

Im sorry for what you have been through I understand this would have be hard.

In the past I have tried to stick up for myself and say things back but to be honest with you it didn’t make me feel very good on the inside………….. I just took in their negativity.

Over time I’ve learned that what matters is how I feel within myself I’ve learned that I can’t control a situation but I can always control the way I react to it….. and this goes a long way for the way I feel internally.

I now don’t allow anything to take away my peace.

If some one shows me by “action “ I can see the truth and I don’t need to hear their excuses because I know the truth from what their actions showed me so I just simply walk away and don’t allow what they have done to get inside of me.

Ive learned to just let things go and not dwell on them…….. I’ve learned to just focus on the positive things in life….

Give your self positive self talk and self love Grandy.

Grandy you are such a beautiful person and it’s ok that you didn’t stick up for yourself at the time……….. but please try not to allow your mind to keep you in that place that place where you question yourself…… you deserve peace from this and the only way you will get this peace is to let it go…. Let go of the past….. forgive yourself and move forward move forward and focus on all of the positive loving things you have in front of you in the now and in the present moment because you deserve that beautiful lady ❤️

[geoff]

Hello Dear Grandy, thank you for this thread and understand the hardship you must have encountered and feel so terribly sorry for you.

Yes at one stage before I broke down was when the bank manager kept changing every year, so my overdraft had to be reviewed, most managers were good until the last one, who wasn't prepared to listen to me and cancelled every cheque when I exceeded the limit, so I rang him up and told him exactly what I thought of him, boy, was that wrong, did I suffer from doing that, I had to change banks, but a long process.

My o/draft was covered by money that was owned to me and our house loan was well in credit, so he didn't respect me at all, just another demise.

Best wishes.

Geoff. x

[Ggrand]

Hello Everyone.....🤗..

You have all given me some great suggestions, thank you all so much..

I do have professional mental health care...we have been working on this for some time...I just don’t seem to be moving forward...the fear of confrontation or speaking up for myself or other people is just too great to overcome...I am very good at standing their taking it all...it’s the after effects that down me....

A few weeks ago at work...my best r/l friend came out the back crying..she is 83 years old....to see her like that really broke my heart...I wanted so much to go and speak to the lady responsible for it...but I couldn’t...fear is a very hard thing to get past...I felt I let her down big time...and felt so ashamed of myself not doing anything about it....

It didn’t bother me that much many years ago...maybe because it was directed at me by parents, brother and hubby and I couldn’t do nothing about it....I would take it all in, then have a good cry.....now it hurts so badly...because I know I now have a choice to defend myself...and my friend from this person...but that fear of doing so is just to hard to get passed...my self esteem is nearly non existent at work now...I wish I knew how to be brave...

Geoff...What happened to you when you spoke up to your bank manager is so not right...I’m sorry that happened to you...Can I ask you Geoff...If that incident made it harder to speak up again?....no pressure Geoff, to answer me...

I will try hard to process what you’ve said....I am sorry that you’ve all been in the same situation...It is hard isn’t it?

My kindest thoughts with my care..

Grandy...

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy and everyone,

Ages ago I learnt several techniques that helped me a lot. You can Google, Assertiveness Techniques - there are videos I think as well as websites.. I learnt about fogging/stuck record and techniques like that... they did help.

Changing yourself into someone more assertive is very stressful - and being assertive doesn't mean you will get what you want.. I still find it difficult at times, but I am much better than I was.

Recently I met a lady who told me as soon as she met me, that she didn't like people of a certain race and people of a certain religion. (I don't know why she said this to someone she had just met!) I immediately said to her, quite pleasantly, that that would be difficult as I have friends who are that race, and friends who are that religious faith. She didn't know what to say! It didn't make us friends - but I said it pleasantly, and at least she knew where I stood, and didn't say any more about it. We do still speak and can talk with each other socially, but I would not like her for a friend - but I did feel at least I let her know, as nicely as possible, that I didn't agree with her.

It took me years to get to this point!

[white knight]

Hi Grandy

What great replies you've had from an excellent post.

Having had a narcissistic mother I've had a taste of what you've gone through. A frail old woman can "own" her 130kg son with words of domination.

So, strategies some of which have been mentioned already I've implemented. I would say however that the guilt has been my greatest challenge. You mention how you doubt yourself and swing from anger, sadness, doubt etc. Like my mother, when I ever made a decision for myself like keeping a relationship with my aunty going when my mother cut ties with her "how dare you not respect me". And so on.

So strategies were needed.

• Disowning
• Not answering some phone calls
• Moving away
• Ignoring
• Being defiant
• Counselling

But in terms of the abuse you've experienced, that I see as extreme, the scars may well last lifelong. The abuser can pass away and their dominance lingers etched in our mind.

Being eternally positive my attitude is to always make the most of a bad situation. Self convincing imo plays a role here. In the thread "the best praise you'll ever get" I told myself daily I was a good man for months post marriage separation, it worked. Effectively it's separating right from wrong, an attempt to defy what the abuser claimed you are.

Dometimes you're vindicated. Like when my daughter left home at 12yo to live with me and told me her mum mistreated her only for me to realise it was how I was treated.

Or when a family friend that's a psych nurse told me of his concerns of my mother's behaviour but she was in unbudgable denial.

Some mental scars won't heal no matter what others say that directs the blame to the abuser. Such is the programming of the mind instilling fear and resulting in subhuman self worth. Such damage needs professional medical support and I'm happy you are receiving it my friend.

I hope one day you'll put all those rock in a bag and throw them in a river. Plus in that bag you'll have a note..."you were wrong. You are guilty of abuse. I release you. I survived you. I am alive, I am wonderful. Now I will run while laughing in the sunlight...I am free"

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Dear Grandy, sometimes we think we're brave enough to cope with difficult situations and once drawn into it, we get caught up into believing we're strong enough to handle it, but eventually, it slowly wears us down until it's too late to do anything about it, and this happened to me many times.

We then regret doing it and say to ourselves that it won't happen again, but somehow it only repeats itself so we have to try and stop it before it's happening, not easy.

With the bank manager, I had to go and reimburse the people who he had stopped the cheque, so it cost me more, so when I told my wife we decided that it was time to change banks.

Next time I would refrain from using the language, fortunately, it hasn't happened again.

My best wishes.

Geoff. x

[quirkywords]

Grandy

Thanks for this,.

As you know I too avoid conflict at any cost.

There have been many useful suggestions. I have tried most but am still a work in progress.