Are you good enough? low self esteem

[white knight]

It's common to have over critical parents that get the balance of praise and criticism wrong. It results in often permanent damage to our mental health and an adult life of deflatedness leading to low chance of finding and maintaining a partner as well as happiness is elusive.

Low self esteem effects every part of our being with everyone. Our partners often pay the price for our condition because all their eagerness to bring you up to speed where contentment permanently remains, they find their partner drop down again and again. Some years ago I had a serious evaluation of this situation I found myself in. I concluded- yes I knew the source- my mothers excess dominance and criticism even as an adult- her yelling when low voice command would have sufficed and her stubbornness to attend to her own mental health issues (suspected BPD). The question then became- what is the action/s I can take to ensure I have a happier life and patch up the damage? 

I continued professional appointments but I knew the major change had to come from within. As with the thread "the best praise you'll ever get" I kept patting myself on the back for being simply a good person. Do that often enough and it sinks in and the removal of the culprit in my life a personal choice

Sometimes we have to rise above the wrongs being done to us to be where we deserve to be. That then leads to "I am a good person, I'm good enough, I was dealt poor parenting and I've now accepted that it is part of life.. a poor hand dealt.

Easier said than done of course, but you have to find that direction in order to achieve. The alternative is to suffer in silence and do nothing. As the saying goes "evil flourishes when good people do nothing". Evil being poor learning behaviours carried on to the next generation combined with lack of praise. Constantly over correcting a dog will see its tail between its legs and timid forever, praise it regularly and it loves life but obeys

Low self esteem is not your fault, it can be  repaired through persistence and belief in yourself, acceptance that you were mistreated. Parents might say like "I was a bit hard on you" or "I shouldn't have treated you that way" and you can choose to forgive. But without remorse forgiveness is less reachable either way you were always good enough...

TonyWK

[Candice5]

Thank you TonyWK for replying, it has really helped me and I will read those posts you told me about.

[Candice5]

Thanks so much TonyWK,

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has gone from job to job in a desperate attempt at self preservation. Every job I go to it's the same, I'm a nice person and people like me but they often are puzzled as to why I work the way that I do. It is hard feeling like the people you work with think you're stupid. I actually think I might have PDD (Pervasive Development Delay) because I can't remember complicated instructions. To better news, the AA meeting was great. I was warmly welcomed at the meeting and the shares helped me see that I'm not alone in my struggles. Thanks for your advice mate, it has really helped me. I hope you are out of your depressive cycle from the other day.

[white knight]

The struggles of which you speak are not common so getting advice and realising others can have similar rare issues isnt easy. Here is a poem I wrote about such struggles in our world.

SOCIETY OF SAND

I’m sitting in a desert

Upon sand of friend and foe

Can’t find a piece of turf

Where I cannot stand on toes

I collect a handful of grain

Then watch as it escapes

Just like some friendships

A barren temporary landscape

I create my own oasis

By weeping on a weed

But the sand around me laughs

Cause it doesn’t have a need

Till lately it be the friends

That helped me walk the land

They holding me up under my feet

-supportive grains of sand

I begin to sink so slowly

As they gather my precious hide

The quick sand laughing so loud

A kind man says goodbye

And as I become one of ‘them’

My heart now granuled and dry

I try to weep to water the weed

But sand has no means to cry

Damn it! I struggle so

Be damned if I be like them

I crawl out of the society of sand

To remain the man I am…

TWK

So, you arent alone but being unusual to possess such lack of fitment in society we need to go to like minded people to reaffirm we arent beyond human. We are in fact outside the boundary of normal but only because we arent like the sheep inside that boundary. 🙂

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony, Candice, rhinoceros and all,

Tony, I just wanted to say I love your poem. Self-acceptance is so important and knowing it’s ok to be who we are.

Candice, I have problems following instructions too and have made a number of mistakes in the workplace because of it. I struggle to follow verbal language. In my case I’ve wondered about central auditory processing disorder, possibly partly due to early life developmental experiences. I imagine you may actually have some strengths others don’t have if your brain is processing differently. I feel like it’s about finding a niche where we belong, something I’m still trying to do in my late 40s.

Rhinoceros, I really hope you had a positive, encouraging counselling session today.