...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

[SourceShield]

Hey Peeps,

(This is TAKE 2 - The original was laden with a few CHOICE WORDS...I am grateful that I can simply edit and re-post.)

The reason that I am so angry/furious/Bleeped-Off/Enraged... NOW...

Is because I feel that I've wasted so much (bleeping) time worrying about crap that I shouldnt have been worrying about.

I feel that I have spent too much time (bleeped) off at the small stuff.

Concerned about (bleep) that now just seems sooooo immaterial.

I am sorry - I love swear words, and I really wanna use many choice words right now, but I get that we can't, but I am THAT (bleeping) furious.

Please don't get me wrong...this is a GOOD thing for me.

I am learning to vent in a positive way - for me and for my health, holistically.

I know that may seem selfish and I will get it, if no one continues to read this because perhaps the brevity of my anger may trigger something.

But I have come to see BB as a dear friend...someone that I CAN trust, and that means so (bleeping) much to me.

I have three - YEP, count 'em... 3 convictions for getting into fights with guys.

Nearly ended up killed in a bar fight - Glassed in the face, and my partner was killed.

I never got to go to his funeral.

His parents didnt know he was gay.

I must learn to release this anger...in a healthy way for me now, or it IS going to kill me.

For real.

Internally, as in chemical-overload, or externally, as in killed because I lost control one day.

I have been so angry for such a very long time.

I've hated for such a long time, and I NOW get that it really AINT WORTH IT, SO I GIVE IT UP.

I must surrender.

I have to stop lying to myself, and beating myself down...ALL THE TIME.

I am lovable.

I am a good man.

And, I can be as healthy and as happy as I choose to be.

And so it is.

I must do whatever it takes now.

I forgive my family.

I love them...pack of (bleeping) weirdoes to the MAX...but I love them.

I must LOVE me now.

And, that means that I must share the love that I really DO feel with everyone.

Thats how I am going to beat the RAGE inside me.

Kill it with KINDNESS.

LOVING-(bleeping)-KINDNESS.

Thats me, anyway.

I hope you all know that I love who you are, and I'm here.

WelcomeToEarth.

LuvYa

[Cornstarch]

Oh my god Saucy,

How I laughed. I've only just seen this, sorry for the late reply.

I must say the design of the forums could be improved, I can never tell if someone has replied or not on a thread and then if I find they have, I feel really bad for not being good at navigating!

That is so funny/weird how your therapist made you whack the tree with your shirt off!!!! OMG. Hilarious.

What I get a lot of is medical/health professionals giving me the lecture that is well meaning of what I'm 'not', to try an boost me up, "well you have no addictions, blah, blah, blah", and I'm thinking but look at me! This ain't a good look Sista.

My clinical psychologist is the most gentle, positive, serene women and the suggestion of whacking a tree coming from her lips was even more ludicrous than me doing it. I can very rarely bring myself to scream under water. Have you read Bessel's book and seen the MRI's of a brain in dissociation? That's my problem.

Shifting my dissociation has been a frigging nightmare, I didn't realise how bad I was because this is all I know, the doc wants to do another MRI, but once it shifted, that's when the red hot poker rage came up and vigorous exercise and socially withdrawing had to be implemented immediately.I've been a recluse this year. Like a troll on the hill. Or a witch.

I figured I already had a shame bucket that was over flowing so I have to isolate myself from friends and family while I ride out the worst of it, because if I blow my top at them or lose the plot I will feel yet more guilt and anger at myself than I already do. I have enough guilt from the times I've screamed at Mum in utter exasperated frustration at defending Dad.

The way I cope has caused a lot of tension in the family, in the sense they don't like me wondering off on my own all the time. But to me, it makes logical sense to attempt to keep my shame bucket as low as possible at all times because essentially I have a shame disorder. Judith Herman's has written a couple of academic articles in medical journals literally referring to it as a shame disorder. Why make it harder for myself.

Also this year has been the 'physical flashback' year. Other years were more mental and emotional, but for some reason this year has been a flooding of body sensations to being pinned down and physically restrained and asked to lie still threatened with a weapon until the sun came up.

Me thinks anyone would have some 'unexpressed outrage' to work with.

How's ya puppy?

[SourceShield]

Hey CornSyrup!

Methinks so too!

Completely and utterly justified!

Pups is all g!

He's here with me atm...licking himself, as they do...they make such gross noises though when they do that.

Gobble, gobble, slurp, slurp....ewwwwww.

He's a charmer!

Dont even get me started again re: pseudo-catharsis therapy --- or, I will go into a nuclear Tourettes moment.

Like I said I was too young and naive to say NO to 'the professional' - not now...If I dont want to hit a tree with a stick, no one can make me!

I think its really important for more people to realise this for themselves - we can 'shop' around for the right and best support, and find the best assistance - psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, counselors or coaches...find what works best for you.

But, you know what?

When I read what I wrote to you again re: catharsis - from your perspective...the outside looking in perspective...it made me laugh too!

Grateful for that!

No - I haven't read any of Bessels books...but I will do a Sherlock Holmes...and investigate...

Shame Disorder - makes perfect sense to me.

I guess many of us would be living with this too, without even seeing it as such - sexualisation, cultural stuff...etc etc etc...

When my psych first discussed the dissociation with me...I'm pretty sure that I dissociated and was like - yeh sure, whatever...lalalala...but now, I totally get it.

It's been a bumpy ride but as you can probably tell...I could fill an encyclopedia with all my troubles, but for me the dissociation is mild - comparatively speaking.

I can only imagine how this must be for you.

And again, because many of our posts did get swallowed there for a bit...

The fact that you had to clean your Dad - still really breaks my heart.

Thats tough mate.

I wouldve gone off to My Little Pony Land after that...and dissociated myself into a blissful and peaceful slumber.

Jeez!

I hate to patronise but I reckon, you are seriously doing so well...considering!

You called this year - 'the physical flashback year' - is that a 'normal' part of the process?

Is this part of the body's way of 'letting it go'?

Im curious, thats all, but I dont want to trigger anything...so I get if ya wanna change subjects.

MuchLove

Bundy&Kaitoa