AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

[Guest_3712]

Hi friends,

I haven't posted for a while but have been reading your posts and sending out my positive vibes to you all.

I have been struggling for several weeks. Just when I think I have this thing figured out, BAM! another stumbling block.

Lately I have been asking myself, am I depressed or insane?? or both ? The reason I ask this is my symptoms are forever changing and I just wonder am I doing this to myself.

I have had many very scary panic attacks over the years but would never really say I was an anxious person- depressed yes, not anxious. But over the last few weeks my anxiety has been through the roof. Shakes, pounding heart, nausea, sweats all of it.

I am edgy moody and not nice. I am taking more meds to counter act these symptoms and / or drinking to calm down.

What the ?????

I thought I would look into the definition of INSANITY and came across some quotes that resounded with me and I thought I would share.

From Albert Einstein-    INSANITY -  DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.   ( well yea that's me alright)

From Stephen Hawking -     INTELLIGENCE IS THE ABILITY TO ADAPT TO CHANGE. ( so I'm not so smart either)

From Buddha --     YOU CAN SEARCH THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE FOR SOMEONE WHO IS MORE DESERVING

                               OF YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION AND YOU WILL NOT FIND THAT PERSON.  YOU YOURSELF AS

                               MUCH AS ANYBODY DESERVE YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION.  ( love this)

From Winston Churchill-      IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL , KEEP GOING !!!     

I have to figure all these guys were pretty smart, so they probably know what they are talking about.  So if I am summarising correctly I need to

1/ change my behaviours if I want different results

2/ BE smart enough to Adapt my lifestyle to these changes

3/  love myself as much as I love others in my life

4/  Keep going- don't give up even if my road at times is like hell on earth.

 WOW IS THAT ALL ?

I should have this licked in no time!

I am really tired though, I try and try again but it is always lurking behind me ready to pounce and destroy whatever momentum I have created.

love to hear what others think re the insanity analogy

Be kind to your self

Stressless.

[Neil_1]

Dear Stressless

The fight is for the hope and the chance that things will get better.  It can't remain like being this.  Not for every minute, every second, every hour, every day;  you get the picture.

The thing I'd personally give up is the practice of swearing upon a stack of bibles or even just one.  Don't think anything good could come out of that.  Just my personal view.

If you're mentally unsound for falling back into the old ways, then I too am in your boat as well.  However, I've accepted that this is the way I'm going to be.  Constantly sad, depressed and just to know that when things happen in life, they will and I will notice them and that will be it.  I take my meds like a good boy, i see my psych's, i see my gp (and guess what, they see me too) so that's good;  we all see each other.  But I'm no better.  I have friends, but I don't see them or talk to them because I can't (or won't) - I don't know but there it is.

I think I'm over the hating phase that I went through earlier this year.

I also think I'm over the fighting phase as well ... where it's just acceptance of this is what it's like.  Ok, I guess I am continuing to fight otherwise I wouldn't still be doing all what "I should be doing".

But Stressless, mentally unsound ... I don't think so, I don't think I'm mentally unsound, but I can relate to how you feel you are at this point in time.

I'm sorry, I think that was more about me than you ... but I just wanted to let that out.

Neil

[Guest_3712]

Hey Neil,

I get what you are saying. I guess I am just so angry with myself for heading in the direction I don't want to go- hospital

I have had 5 admissions to hospital, for depression, addcition and for ECT .

By far the worse was for addiction- this is prescription meds ( back then opiates)

I cannot begin to describe the horror of going through withdrawels even under controlled conditions. The anguish is indescribable. The physical and mental pain blur into one.

Everything hurts and yet I felt nothing.

 I cannot go through that again and yet I continue to abuse my meds.

If this isn't "mentally unsound" then it must mean I am stupid - either way labels don't really matter .

Bottom line I am feeling so low I don 't know what to do anymore

Stressless

[geoff]

dear Stressless, I agree with Neil, there's no point to ever believe that 'the stack of bibles' will ever help you, not even one bible, and sorry to those who believe that it can, because there's a belief for you that will give you some security, but for me and Neil it means bugger all, it hasn't ever helped those in trouble before and it won't in the future.

The horror of withdrawals for being on opiates, is really no different than the withdrawals of alcohol, except that it maybe more expensive, and is condemned in society much more than alcohol is, which is a legal drug.

I keep saying and I really understand that what I am about to say means sweet bugger all to you at the moment, but by hell and by crook, I was feeling no different than you are now, so who cared about me, well no one really, because they always blamed my consumption of alcohol as the real problem, that's crap, absolute crap, they didn't have the knowledge nor the understanding why I got drunk everyday, every single day, because my depression did this to me, so maybe I was mentally unsound at the time, but NOT stupid, I knew why I had to do it, it was my friend the only person I could rely on, it was sitting there beside me all the way, until I had the courage to poke my head out of this hole.

Hell how low could we get in depression, the hole is too deep, and the struggle to get even half way was too high up, so I fell again and again, over so many painful years, it just wouldn't let go of my legs, and laughed every time it brought me back to the bottom of the pit.

It's no different to a cat playing with a mouse, it let's it go, and the mouse thinks, yes I have out smarted the cat this time I will be free, but no it's drawn back into the playing arena, and eventually the cat wins, and so does depression, so we have to turn the mouse into a lion, so to speak, it does take time, and this is frustrating by hell it is, but I turned the tables, unbeknown as to how to, never ever thinking that it was possible, so I unchained my heart, but this experience is something that has taught me great methods.

As hopeless as you feel please trust me, my word is something that I respect, whether or not others feel that way, that's their choice. L Geoff. x

[Guest_3712]

Dear Geoff,

I have much respect for you, your experiences and your journey through this hell.

I totally identify with your reference to 'your friend' being there for you. It's exactly how I feel and yes no-one understands why I continue to use my meds

When I say I swore on a stack of bibles I was speaking metaphorically .

I can remember being in my hospital room, all alone no contact with the outside world ( except medical staff) for the first 3 days of detox.

I would be rocking back and forth on my bed, making deals with God, the devil anyone that would listen promising that if I got out of there alive I would never get in that position again.

I see the hurt I am causing and can't bear to look in their eyes. The hole is very deep Geoff, I agree and sometimes I literally struggle to breathe.

What is the answer??? Keep going???

Or not

Stressless

[geoff]

dear Stressless, this is exactly how I felt, time after time, always thinking how the hell can I ever get of this hole, ( but much graphically ), everyday it was like here we go again, everything that was said to me just bounced off, I couldn't acknowledge anything that was said to me, especially my psychologist, but I stayed with her for 20 years, why, because she was always nice to me, she listened to me, watched me cry, and after the session I would say 'now my happy face will come on', but only until I got home.

My little dog ( not Moo-Moo )but Tessie would come and sit next with me, lie down and cuddle into my back and follow me everywhere, so she kept me going, but deep down I didn't want to, because the pain was constant, but here I am now I have come out a stronger person, something which I never ever believe could happen.

If there is ONE inch of breathing then this will pull you through, it sounds impossible I know, and I know that there never seems to be an end to all of this, but I look at this way, if you keep going then depression will tire of you and move on to another person, and how long this takes depends on the strength within you, it maybe hidden, but it's there somewhere.

So the answer to your question is to keep going, and trust me from the bottom of my heart, that it will pass, I never thought that it would, but here I am. L Geoff. x