Advice for High Functioning Depression and Relationships

[the_flash]

I wasn't sure which thread to put this under, but I decided this one anyway.

Firstly, I'd just like to say that last time I was here, I found it very comforting to talk to everyone, and it really did help.

I feel like I have managed to stay on top of my live for these last couple of months. I'm doing well in school (term 3, year 10) and have enjoyed doing things a lot more then I have in a long time. I have seen the darker side of mental health and do feel like it has made me a more resilient person.

The are two questions/ideas I wanted to discuss: How to cope with change in relationships, and how to have "reasonable" standards in a relationship. The first talking about mostly teachers, the second talking about personal relationships.

When I say change, I am personally talking about when I leave high school. I have very close relationships with some of my teacher and I respect them and they respect me. Over the years, I feel I have become closer to some of them (in a completely non-sexual way). I feel like I can always ask them questions and they'll always listen. Honestly speaking, I probably have more teacher-friends then classmate-friends. (Do I sound pathetic yet?) I just feel like I am going to find it difficult to have them leave my life when I finish high school and relapse. I think I just need some way to mentally prepare myself for the end of school.

The second question was referring to me having intimate relationships with a significant other. I would like to say that I don't plan on being in a relationship soon and would rather focus on school, but I still need to change my standards otherwise there is a very high chance I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I have fulfillment now, but eventually this will most likely change. I have had two relationships in the past, and I have learned from them, but, at the same time, increased my standards by a stupid amount. I don't find myself attracted to any real people (TV show characters don't count, right?). I am pan(sexual) and have accepted myself, but simply don't know how to lower my standards to the point where I actually want to stay with my partner longer then two months, let alone the rest of my life. As I said, I am not looking for a partner right now, but in the somewhat distant future (maybe during or after university).

Any reply is welcome, thanks

Kirby

P.S. I am 16, and their are about 20 students in my year. I am also the radical stereotype of an introvert, and am christian.

[PamelaR]

Hi Kirby and welcome back to the forums

Good to see you again. Thank you for some very good questions.

It's great you have good relations with your teachers. Maybe you can talk to them about how you are feeling? Perhaps it's because you're scared of the unknown. They've supported you through some challenging times in your life.

Finding an interest before you leave school to do when you leave may help to fill the void of school routine, friendships etc. Have you thought about further education?

I read your previous posts and see that you saw a psychologist. Have you you also contacted eHeadspace (1800 650890), or Kids Helpline (1800 551 800)? Just remembered from your previous thread you didn't have a phone. Is that still the case? Maybe chat on line to them? You can do a google search for these organisations online contact details.

From every thing you’ve written Kirby, you are intelligent and living in a world that doesn’t understand you. This makes life so very difficult. I had a friend in my twenties who was also highly intelligent, introverted and pansexual. Life was an ongoing challenge for him, his friends base came and went. He did create a very successful online information business back in a time, when online information was not even thought about. I always felt he was born 20 years too soon. People just couldn’t understand him. I did in my way.

Because of your intelligence Kirby I have every confidence you will create a life for yourself after school. I can see how well you are doing it already. Building up a network by coming on here. That’s awesome.

Now for personal relationships. You’re very young and still finding out what life is all about. Interestingly, I never thought about getting into a relationship at 16. It was more about being with someone who I could share my thoughts and feelings with. If you have high expectations of what the other person should be like, e.g. personality, character, intelligence, looks etc that’s okay. Maybe a little refinement can go a long way if you think it’s too high.

What makes you set such high standards? Have you thought this maybe a way to self sabotage yourself? Have a think. Maybe talk to someone about your expectations. Your psych, or eHeadspace?

Hope some of this is helpful for you Kirby. You’re not alone. Keep reaching out when and if you want to. There are others out there who I’m sure will have their experiences that they want to share with you too.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Doolhof]

Hi Kirby,

Sorry it has taken a while for someone to respond to your thread. The forum has been busy lately!

I like your questions. Is it possible for you to talk openly with one of the teachers and ask them exactly what you have written, ask if it is possible to continue on conversation once you leave school.

One of the teachers may be very honoured by this, or you may be able to ask one if they could be like a mentor to you.

I remember at your age thinking that if I didn't have a steady relationship by the age of 17 then I never would. I am also a Christian, so the whole issue around how far you go in a relationship played on my mind too.

It may be hard for you to imagine right now that it is okay to have short relationships. Maybe it could help to tell the person you connect with that you are wanting to concentrate on your schooling and that you are not looking for a total commitment right now.

Honesty and open communication can work well.

I married young and it ended up being a bit of a disaster! It didn't last and I have since re-married. Due to hassles I didn't continue on with my education and that has been a bit of a disappointment I have had to live with.

It might seem like life is passing you by, hopefully you can consider life as being more long term.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

I had a friend who was a teacher and she was thrilled when past students recognised her and thanked her for her skills and for being their teacher.

Cheers to you from Dools

[the_flash]

Hi PamelaR and Doolhof,

A common suggestion that has come (and to be honest I completely overlooked) was talking to one or more of my teachers. This is something I hadn't considered but the more I think about it, the better the idea sounds. There are several teachers I have talked to about different things and I do believe there is one specific teacher I would want to talk to about this as I can relate to him in his outlook on life and well-being, he's our HSIE teacher

PamelaR, I have considered further education and plan on going into university within a year of leaving high school. I still currently do not own a phone but I am going to contact eHeadspace as you suggested.This friend that you described does bring up a lot of similarities I can see in myself. I recently became a lot more individualist and personally orientated in that I stopped hanging out with most people in my school and focused more on my work, as I had, in a way, forced byself to hangout with them (my previous friends, that is). They aren’t bad people but I can’t really relate to them on a significant level. Honestly it was something that felt like needed to happen, it was just a matter of when. Our class is small and I have not had any considerable issues occur at school and remain friendly to everyone in my year. This is probably because I am somewhat distant from everyone but I don’t see it as a problem either way and feel content with my social life, despite the fact that I may not have one. Though I do have a youth group that I go to weekly and enjoy

Doolhof, I would consider staying in contact with some of my teachers after school, but I suppose that would be something to organise at a later date as I am not in senior secondary yet. In an uncondescending way, I do find myself to be more mature than that of my peers. I don’t find myself to be a risk taker at all (in most situations) and genuinally cannot understand the need for gossip and the like. Though respectful judgement and helpful criticism is always necessary. I don’t have anyone particularly at the moment I connect with but, for the people I’ve been with in the past, I have made it aware of my priority of education, but I do believe it has been a stong factor of my relationships (or lack thereof), as well as individual connection. I will try to view life as more long term, but, for where I am at right now, it seems like a bridge between dependance and isolation, though I suppose I would find fullfillment in an occupation.

[Doolhof]

Hi the.flash,

I actually admire and am slightly envious of your clear thinking about what you want in life at your age. As a younger person I was very disorientated, confused, had no idea what I wanted and strayed about the place like a lost sheep for years!

To me it is admirable that you have a sense of direction and purpose. We are all individuals, we all respond to life differently. It seems that the way you are considering your options suits who you are as a person.

One thing I have learnt that it does not help to compare ourselves to other people throughout life, unless we use those comparisons to learn more about ourselves and our options.

Some people stay friends with their school connections, others don't. Both options are fine. We all need to find out own pathways.

I would like to encourage you to further decide where you want to be next year, the following year and maybe years down the track. If that is too difficult, then just concentrate on doing your best to make it to the end of the year.

One more point, some people are very happy with lots of friends, some people are very happy with one good friend and others are happy to be by themselves. Friends don't have to be the same age as us either!

Cheers from Dools

[the_flash]

Hi Doolhof,

I suppose I do have a somewhat clear sense of direction of where I want to be in life, but it does become more uncertian the further into the future I imagine. Though I guess that’s just life.

I have always tried to stay within my comfort zone as much as I can and do what I have always done, but there are some situations in which I believe I should try to adapt rather reject.

For example, just this term our elective drama class decided to put on a moderatley high-end proformance. My initial reaction was to reject the idea and try to avoid it altogether, but I tried to keep an open mind and have enjoyed rehearsals more than I would have thought (our performance is next wednesday). It is rewarding to have an open mind.

I guess in life there is a balace between maintaining tradition and adapting to different situations, even if they may be outside your comfort zone. This could vary was situation to situation, or person to person.

There are times when I have compared myself to other people more than I should, but generally speaking I see how different I am to everyone in my class, all in different ways, and embrace that. I would assume there are people in my class that I stay in touch with and people I don’t, but, like you said, both options are fine.

I believe I have decided on where I want to be and what I want out of these next years, within school especially, though there may be some adaptations later depending on how I find each subject to be. At the same time I will try to take things one step at a time, so to speak.

I never really cared about the age of my friends, and was more focused on the content of their character. I talk to different people about different things and find that there are very few people in my life I can talk to about anything. In saying that, there are peole in my life I can open up to and trust. This is also a place I feel I can be open and honest.

Thanks,

Kirby

[Doolhof]

Hi Kirby,

It is wonderful you feel welcome here! I think the anonymity of everyone on the forum helps with that. People can be who ever they want to be here, they can be themselves or maybe even create a different side of themselves.

Over time, I have seen people grow in confidence, resilience, in regards to their sense worth and in the rate of participation on the forum. Some people just read the posts and others may write many posts here and there. Once again we are all individuals with our own way of being and doping things.

It is excellent you were able to embrace the drama class decision to try something more adventurous. Hope the performance goes well! Is the show just for the school or do you perform in front of family and friends as well?

Having goals and plans is important and beneficial. Sometimes we need to be flexible as well. We never know what is around the corner or what opportunities will present themselves.

All the best with the drama group and the production!

Cheers from Doolhof

[the_flash]

Hi Doolhof,

I feel like my world is very differently percieved when I can be myself and feel understood. Being anonymous online can feel very safe, especially when the conversations are moderated to prevent negative use of the internet for self gain.

Showing individuality is something I value, especially in myself and my life, through freedom of self expression. Of course, there are limitations and legal consequences when that same freedom is abused.

I am trying to find the balance between having ridgid and adaptable goals, and I think I am improving in situations that require me to assess which is more necessary.

Our drama performance is something we have scheduled after the school day, so there will be school students, teachers and parents who are able to come.

Thanks for the positive wishes,

Kirby