A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

[blondguy]

Hi Everyone and especially new posters or anyone reading the Beyond Blue Forums too!

This may seem unimportant to many but there is a reason for this thread. I have had depression and anxiety for many years and I found this self esteem/confidence check invaluable when I was researching why I was so nervous and panicky....before I was diagnosed and during...

How do you respond to a compliment? If someone says well done! or good on you! Or compliments you for qualities you have....Do You...

1. Pass the compliment off and say....oh no...'I'm not really that good.. etc etc'
2. Ignore the compliment and struggle for words...
3. Reflect the compliment away and 'handball' a compliment back...
4. Or say 'thankyou'

A few years ago I had a really hard time with dealing with compliments. This thread is not a 'test' in anyway....It is just a 'self check' that may help some people find a little peace and self awareness where low self confidence/esteem/worth is an issue

The answer is number 4....What number would you have chosen? Your true/heartfelt thoughts on this would be a great help on how you respond to a compliment

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Lost_Girl]

Cmf,

You're a beautiful soul. How lovely. That really made me smile.

I laughed at your personal time place though because I got the image of my kids all poking their noses through the end of the sliding door to my ensuite.... no personal time there for me haha.... Muuuum!

[white knight]

Hi Dizzy

You've raised such a valuable point. Extending yourself beyond your parameters.

This has been a problem for me over my lifetime. Mania helped, because I was in effect a worker beyond, well beyond a managers expectations. Hence I built up quite a collection of work references. What were the ramifications though.?

Unfortunately, jealousy is often a hidden trait. Its often automatic to, in that people are jealous but they don't recognise it in themselves as jealousy.

In your case coworker's could react to your amazing efforts in a number of ways.

That you are seeking promotion

That you are showing them up as being a better worker than them

That they simply don't care what you do...hence no thankyou

And so on. Unless asked you'll never know. But it is typical of a workplace in that workers just exist until knock off time. That being the case those working beyond their charter won't be recognised for it. Hence why others are promoted, usually the popular ones. If they promote you they lose a worker that does the work of two workers.

First lesson here is only do a little more than you are required to do.

Second, be true to yourself. Don't worry if others don't thank you. If you believe they should be thanked then do so. If they praise you and you feel like returning it, then praise them. ....be dizzy not anyone else

I had a thread, google, Topic: weighing scale of friendships- beyondblue. That depicts the attitude of..well I did that for you, you should do that for me syndrome.

The perfect relationship of 50/50 give and take isn't possible. Also some people do things for others in a humble way. You don't find out for a long time that they did you a favour. They don't want thankyou's.

A good example. Two work colleagues chat in the lunch room. One talks nastily about you. The other supports you by telling that person it is unfair to talk ill of a colleague like you, of a person they believe has integrity. You might not ever know of this incident. It is silent loyalty. Silent loyalty doesn't get one promoted. It doesn't get you a pay bonus.

It gets one to do what one feels is- the right thing to do.

Do what you feel is right. Don't expect others to act like you, they are not you. Be proud you do what you feel is right but in a workplace keep it measured as just a little more than you should do.

As my therapist said to me in 1987. "At work, why do you feel you should save the world"?

That hit home.

Tony WK

[pipsy]

Hi Carol. It sounds as though the woman may have been in the process of changing and the woman paying the compliment 'peeked'. If, however the woman was outside in the shop when the other lady spoke, all I can say is what cmf says. If she was in the dressing room, the other lady should've waited. Some people are real uncomfortable when any stranger speaks to them. Personally, like you, I always thank people who comment positively. I feel if you can't speak nicely to or about anyone in public, say nothing. Cruel unthinking remarks are best left in the privacy of your own home.

The woman paying the compliment meant well, the woman receiving it possibly felt uncomfortable.

Lynda

[blondguy]

Hey Dizzy, Ive been in your boss's situation before. A simple 'thankyou' would have sufficed. Micromanaging can be unproductive. He actually had a negative effect on his teams performance. Nice work Dizzy! Paul

Hi Carol, the lady in the cubicle is showing her insecurities with her re-action. Reality check required for sure. I have been brought up in a similar way to you Carol.Acknowledging a compliment correctly is good for the soul.P

Hello CMF, you are a gem for making that gentleman's day. It speaks volumes about the wonderful person you are. You are right, common courtesy is free. And yes the bathroom is off limits 🙂 Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

When young I was bullied a lot which badly affected my self esteem. For a a few years I went to a small school with lovely students who treated me well. Unfortunately because of past experiences I interpreted their behaviour as 'they treat me nicely because they are too nice to do otherwise rather than believing they actually liked me'. Perhaps if I remained with this group for longer my insecurities may have gradually diminished but due to our house being destroyed we moved to an area where once again I was left feeling unwanted by my peers. I am still struggling to overcome this feeling that if people treat me nicely it is a reflection of how nice they are not that they like me.

When in hospital with my 1st child a stranger came into the room & after peering at the name tags she came up to me & introduced herself. She explained that she had decided to join the church I attended & when she was there they announced that I was in hospital. She decided since she was becoming a Christian she should act like one & try to serve people in need. She decided to start her new life by visiting me since she thought I might be lonely. She brought a bunch of daisies from her garden in a small vase. I appreciated her putting herself out for a total stranger. I later grew my own daisy bushes so I could fill her vase and remember her kindness.

Maybe each of us can try to see other people's kind deeds or complements from their perspective & appreciate the effort they took to do or say something rather than reacting to negative aspects.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi all,

Lynda, they mentioned she was out in the shared area not in the cubicle otherwise I would also agree it was rude. I would want a black hole to open up at my feet if someone peeked in the actual cubicle on me!

Thank you all for your responses. I am glad I am not the only one who sees this as a nice thing to do.

Elizabeth, your story is heartwarming and I love that you grew daisies later to fill the vase. How lovely.

I have also been the recipient of stranger's kindness. My Mum passed a month before my first child was born and I stayed on at Mum's house for a while to firstly get used to having a baby and then to eventually sell up.

For 6 weeks after my boy was born I had people or the postman arriving each day with gifts for my child. It may sound like an exageration but I am not. There was barely a day went by in those 6 weeks where we didn't receive a gift. I had complete strangers coming to the door saying, "I knew your Mum, I want to give you this for your baby". It was a testiment to my Mother's kindness and it was such a beautiful thing for people to do at such a difficult time for me.

Everyone on this forum that I have met is kind at heart.

[Starwolf]

Thank you Paul for this useful thread.

Looking back on past behaviour, I realized that much insecurity was initially caused by pressure to perform imposed on me during childhood. Being 2 years ahead of my peers at school had gone to my mother's head...she thought she'd produced a genius, not the inquisitive, never-satisfied-with-shallow-answers kid I was in reality. If I was a dog, it would be a terrier...with the inborn compulsion to dig until I get hold of what I'm after ! But I fell short of the invincible show pony she wanted me to be.

It took time to reclaim confidence in my "real" abilities. But there was another issue...the disbelief that those who acknowledged them were actually sincere. I have been lied to too often, been taken for too many rides. Trusting that people actually mean what they say didn't come easy to me.

It's been a long road but I can now accept compliments, though some of the things I receive praise for are of little importance to me, sometimes irrelevant. But I acknowledge the kindness behind it.

So...do I take myself for granted ? Yes, sometimes. That's what happens when standards have been set way too high from the start.

But I agree that those who acknowledge our achievements deserve recognition, even if those achievements mean little to us. If it doesn't come too hard to us, acknowledging them in return with a simple "thank you" shows respect...and good manners.

[CMF]

Elizabeth CP, what a beautiful story. Did you end up keeping in touch with this particular woman? I find this point you made interesting 'they treat me nicely because they are too nice to do otherwise rather than believing they actually liked me'. Yes, you may have been right, however I think to be nice to someone you don't really like takes a lot of and it's tiring to keep up this "façade", so I'm guessing they really did like you :-).

Carol, sorry that you lost your own mother so close to becoming one yourself. This must have been very difficult for you. How lovely to receive gifts every day with beautiful comments about your Mum. I hope this helped to ease the pain in your heart.

I can see that you have inherited on your mother's kindness 🙂

CMF x

[blondguy]

Hey Elizabeth, thankyou for your reply. What a wonderful gesture for that wonderful lady to check on you and to bring in some daisies too! You made a great point with "try to see other people's kind deeds or compliments from their perspective & appreciate the effort they took" Nice1 Elizabeth. Paul

Hi Carol, you never exaggerate..what wonderful people that brought those gifts and over six weeks 🙂 You have your mum's heart and bless your mum for being the person she was too x

[Elizabeth CP]

Star, I could relate to your comments that sometimes people's compliments re our achievements are meaningless to us. Your comment that we need to be polite & thank them even if we don't agree with them. Unfortunately when you are different to others they often make assumptions which are unjustified. My SIL told me she wasn't comfortable around me because 'I was too intelligent to associate with her' She knew I had a meths degree & my brother would proudly tell her how intelligent I was not realising that it was causing problems between us. The moral of the story- Be wary of making assumtions.