A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

[blondguy]

Hi Everyone and especially new posters or anyone reading the Beyond Blue Forums too!

This may seem unimportant to many but there is a reason for this thread. I have had depression and anxiety for many years and I found this self esteem/confidence check invaluable when I was researching why I was so nervous and panicky....before I was diagnosed and during...

How do you respond to a compliment? If someone says well done! or good on you! Or compliments you for qualities you have....Do You...

1. Pass the compliment off and say....oh no...'I'm not really that good.. etc etc'
2. Ignore the compliment and struggle for words...
3. Reflect the compliment away and 'handball' a compliment back...
4. Or say 'thankyou'

A few years ago I had a really hard time with dealing with compliments. This thread is not a 'test' in anyway....It is just a 'self check' that may help some people find a little peace and self awareness where low self confidence/esteem/worth is an issue

The answer is number 4....What number would you have chosen? Your true/heartfelt thoughts on this would be a great help on how you respond to a compliment

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Guest_5218]

Hey Paul - hoping you can help me here. I posted to Barry's thread last night. And this morning I can see that he is hurt and upset at something I said. My only excuse is that I was tired and not feeling well at the time I posted. And yet reading my post again today, I can see what I meant to say, and it makes sense to me. But obviously not to him! I posted this morning to apologise and try to explain, but he has not responded. My confidence has taken a big hit as a result, and I've been feeling awful about it all day. Just wondering if you are able to undo any damage I may have done with Barry? I'd really appreciate it if you could. And to think they asked me if I was interested in becoming a Community Champion back in December! I said then I wasnt up to it, and obviously the same still applies. I think I may take a bit of a break for a while.

Thanks Paul - do what you can. I hope Barry's okay.

Sherie xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Sherie, Stop beating yourself up. You apologised even though you can't see what you did wrong. We all have different perspectives & are triggered by different things. We can't see what is inside someone else's head. This means every one of us says & does things which can upset someone not because there is a problem with us but because the other person has an unknown(to you) problem. The only way we can avoid this is to avoid communicating with anyone which helps noone. The reason you were asked to be a community champion is because you care & are empathetic towards others. You have certainly helped me with your comments.

[CMF]

Sherie,

You ARE a champion with a heart of gold. If you're not up to it, that's fine but it doesn't take away the fact that you are one amazing human being.

cmf

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

Today I managed to boost my own self esteem and self confidence. After work I had a physio appointment, in between I had enough time to visit the plant nursery as I wanted a couple of pond plants for our fish pond. When I arrived, the pond plants were in a tangles mess and no one was there to assist.

Running out of time, I went to the physio then returned tot he nursery. On a not so good day, I wouldn't do that. I would just get in the car and drive home angry and annoyed as I hadn't been able to make myself return to the shops.

A little self talk and it was possible to enter the store and ask for some assistance. The lady was lovely and very helpful. I went home with two lovely pond plants and felt so happy with myself.

I felt very self confident and my self esteem was high. On arriving home I managed to achieve a few little jobs as well. So self praise and self complimenting goes well too!

Give it a try!

From Mrs. Dools

[white knight]

Hi Paul

Back to your post. I think I'm a clear number 3.

I acknowledge that there are givvers in personality and takers. Some are in between. I like to try to be in between because if its great to receive a compliament why not return one?

Its unrealistic to give all the time, that would be fake. Its unfair to take all the time. Reaching middle ground is ..reasonable.

We can always find a positive in most people unless they are destructive. Those sort often use generalizing to enforce their views but don't produce facts. I stay clear of them. But the majority have a need for praise.

In my working days, even amongst my warder colleagues, their shining armour wasn't so thick. There us usually a trait of normality in them.

We all wear masks, even if we don't see it. We present ourselves to others in a way that we want to be liked.

This need to be liked might not be obvious. Hence my view, to praise people when compliamented

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Sherie We are not perfect, we are human and very fallible. Like many others I have and will make mistakes here too. I havent met one person who gets it right all of the time on the forums. Be gentle to yourself Sherie. Paulx

Mrs Dools That is an achievement that you should be proud of. You did earn the praise you posted. Paulx

Tony WK Thanks I Love this..."why not give a compliment after receiving one" a healthy attitude Tony. Paul

[Just Sara]

Hi Tony WK;

Your post was interesting; I want to address your comments about needing praise. My family and workplace history is full of needing validation to feel valuable and loved. It's taken me decades to be able to think positively due to a lack of nice feedback from authority figures such as parents and managers.

On this thread we've spoken about how to receive a compliment and our confidence, but haven't really touched on the 'value' of saying thankyou back to that person.

At work due to having spare time, I did all the monthly admin updates as a courtesy to my co-workers who were inundated with paperwork; it incorporated 5 portfolio's and was a big job but I really enjoyed it. My manager sent a team email criticising me for doing other people's work and only one person said "thankyou" My efforts were interpreted as arrogance and 'taking over'.

6 mnths later my managers friend did a similar thing and was praised over and again for her 'diligence' and 'motivation'.

Being thanked for anything, a compliment or otherwise is an important aspect of relating and group behaviour. Whether it's family, work or community, it can have long standing affects. In the above scenario, I never took on that task again. Colleagues and the manager became overwhelmed with duties and not one person asked me for help; no wonder!

This situation wasn't about a compliment, but giving in any form deserves feedback. My manager had the capacity to boost my self-esteem and confidence just by saying "thankyou" to validate me and my work as valuable.

Wondering if you all understand where I'm coming from and if it fits the thread's issues?

Thanks guys...Dizzy x

[pipsy]

Hi dizzy@home. It can be quite sad and off putting where you do something to help someone and you're seen as arrogant and taking over. Possibly the comments that were made by these people were caused by jealousy that you were able to do this extra work. I would put their comments down as 'sore losers' and leave them to their jealousy. It also looks as though your manager's friend thought along the lines of, 'if you can do it, so can I' without realising the full significance of what she was undertaking. What's important to remember here, is you did what you did to help, not for personal gain. The managers friend did it to prove a point more so than to genuinely help. The thanks should therefor come from within your heart, knowing why you did it. Any recognition would be classed as a bonus and this could also cause a bit of spite. It's possible the friend regretted taking the job on, but pride would've prevented her from admitting that.

Lynda

[Lost_Girl]

Hi all,

I am hoping for some insight. I am a member of a very large Mum's forum on social media. I rarely post but get a lot of value from what others do.

In regards to compliments someone posted the other day saying she had been in a shop trying on clothes when a stranger in the next cubicle complimented her on a lovely outfit.

My immediate thoughts were "awww how lovely, that doesn't happen enough". However this person then went on to say how rude it was and overstepping boundaries and how dare the person say anything. She referred to her personal shopping time. Well I was stunned. I had expected the comments by others to say that the lady was just trying to be nice and yet there was a mass of support in terms of this being rude.

It has made me really question my values because I have done that exact thing before where I truly thought it. My Mum instilled in me to give compliments where possible (heartfelt and true) and to smile and say hello to strangers as you walk by "as it may just make their day". I grew up in a town where older gentlemen tipped their hat to me as they passed by.

Thoughts?

Carol

[CMF]

Carol,

I don't think it is rude at all unless of course the stranger popped her head into the fitting room whilst the woman was still behind a closed door/curtain - which I'm sure she did not. if someone commented on something I was trying on id be happy. they are not the sales assistant so I know they are not trying to get a sale out of me, therefore I would consider it a genuine compliment.

I go to my local coffee shop everyday. there is a gentleman who sits outside everymorning on his own. he looks like he doesn't have much, always in old clothes. I started saying good morning to him. When I pass him now and say goodmorning he asks me if I heard or read a particular thing in the news and we have a quick chat. I have learnt things from this man that I would not have known otherwise. he always shares a bit of his knowledge with me and when I tell him he has taught me something new, and thank him for this, his face lights up.

it takes nothing to make someone feel important or special. many people when I'm out shopping comment on my little one who is always singing or saying something funny. yes, its my 'personal' time but I'm in a public place and it doesn't hurt to acknowledge a nice comment given by someone who has taken a few seconds of their 'personal' time to say something nice.

I think we need more of this.

To be honest, what I really consider personal time is when I'm in the bathroom 🙂

cmf