A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

[blondguy]

Hi Everyone and especially new posters or anyone reading the Beyond Blue Forums too!

This may seem unimportant to many but there is a reason for this thread. I have had depression and anxiety for many years and I found this self esteem/confidence check invaluable when I was researching why I was so nervous and panicky....before I was diagnosed and during...

How do you respond to a compliment? If someone says well done! or good on you! Or compliments you for qualities you have....Do You...

1. Pass the compliment off and say....oh no...'I'm not really that good.. etc etc'
2. Ignore the compliment and struggle for words...
3. Reflect the compliment away and 'handball' a compliment back...
4. Or say 'thankyou'

A few years ago I had a really hard time with dealing with compliments. This thread is not a 'test' in anyway....It is just a 'self check' that may help some people find a little peace and self awareness where low self confidence/esteem/worth is an issue

The answer is number 4....What number would you have chosen? Your true/heartfelt thoughts on this would be a great help on how you respond to a compliment

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Sharny]

Hi Paul, thanks for the post!

I've had my fair share of number 1 and 3 in my life. I've never been comfortable with compliments.

Interesting thread.

[CMF]

Hi Paul,

I had struggled a lot in the past with self confidence and self esteem and would often use no. 1. I now accept who I am. I'm not perfect, I know I have faults and admit to them, I have weaknesses and I don't deny it or hide from them. if I receive compliments now I say 'thank you'. part of the reason for this is that I now feel if I use no.1 I feel as though I'm looking for more attention ie someone to say 'oh no, yes it is that good' which drags things out. if I use no. 3 I don't feel I'm being genuine.

so I now smile accept the compliment and say 'thank you'.

cmf

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Paul,

I guess I'm the oddball in this thread (as I am in many places, which is something I am content with). Whilst I most definitely suffer from depression, I have at no time doubted my own worth. My depression has stemmed largely from the disparity between my understanding that I have worth, and men I have previously had in my life inevitably (once the chemistry wears off) treating me as though I don't have an awful lot of it, or that I was simply not there.

Within myself, though knowing I have my faults, I am and always have been content to acknowledge the good in myself and accept others pointing out things they value in me. Sometimes compliments are not entirely sincere, or sometimes someone shows a liking for something about me I don't entirely care for in myself. So what? Most of the time compliments are genuine, and I appreciate them. Often I even agree with them. They are a positive thing, where truthful, in both the giving and receiving, and sometimes offer me a pleasant perspective on myself I have not considered.

I would also like to point out that the giver of compliments deserves consideration. It can be a point of vulnerability, giving a compliment. A rare moment from a stranger that likes your ear-rings, or a spontaneous show of support from a loved one who wants you to feel like you matter. Rejecting a compliment is kind of like rejecting them, and how they feel about you, devaluing their opinion. It's not something I want to do to someone, when they just want to bring something positive into their environment. I'd rather give due consideration to their words and intent, and show them I value their input, whether I agree with it or not.

On the flip side, I know some people feel worse, receiving compliments, because it runs against their internal dialogue, so I am mindful of that in giving them. If I see I am making someone uncomfortable with compliments, I try not to overdo it, but find more subtle ways or carefully pick my times to show appreciation. It's no easy thing getting positive messages through to someone who doesn't believe them. I think it's worth trying, though.

Blue.

[topsy_]

Mary, I love your image of "the depression washing machine". It's not only apt, but amusing too. Cheers, Lyn.

[blondguy]

Hi Dizzy, thankyou for replying. It means more than you know to read your feedback. You mentioned "Maybe they're just being polite"...I thought this same thought for years....and very understandably so too! I always had to cross reference if 'people really meant it' It took me years to figure out how my response to a compliment reflected my self confidence or lack thereof.

You also mentioned "I love and respect myself". You are doing so well Dizzy. For me, I cant really 'love myself' as I still cant get a 'handle' on that phrase. Everyone has a different way of expressing what you said. I have learned to be more easy on myself and say 'I will be gentle to myself' It does take some time and practice but if we use baby steps and substitute the word 'love' for gentle it can make a difference....even though we are really doing the same thing. You are a legend Dizzyx

[Just Sara]

Dearest Paul;

It was Nelson Mandella who said; "Who are we to deny our own greatness?" Thankyou for reminding me of his speech. It's pure mentoring and motivation at it's best.

I accept and appreciate your words gratefully and with Grace. The term 'legend' (thankyou by the way) represents something or someone worthy of going down in history as memorable for the lessons we can learn from them. I've said "You're a legend!" in the past too for this reason. You inspire with your 'love' for others Paul; respect, kindness and humility. These qualities are rare indeed.

Mandella speaks of our right and; obligation to ourselves in accepting our greatness as normal. I ask that you have a look-see at his speech on Dr Google.

I say this to everyone who inspires and teaches by example on this site. We err because we're human, and we deserve the very same sentiments we're willing to give to others.

By writing these words, I have inspired myself. This is love...accepting me.

So love you guys...Dizzy...Mwah!

[blondguy]

Hi Dizzy....thankyou for the reference...re Nelson Mandela...I'll have a sticky...Thanks

Hi Mrs Dools for replying...I am happy that you found some value in the topic....Its really an ongoing guideline where our self confidence/esteem levels are. Took me a lot of practice to 'get used to it' and just they thanks

Mary added a good # 5. Do we say thank you or congratulate ourselves on a job well done? A very important point where self nurturing is concerned. Thanks Mary...and also for the depression washing machine too 🙂

Sherie....people most of the time dont like wasting their breath by giving a insincere compliment. The person offering you the compliment would be happy by receiving 'thanks' as a response.:-)

[blondguy]

Lynda, Thankyou for your reply, I was the same as you...a number 1. Had to work had the base confidence levels to grow to saying Thanks to a compliment..Paulx

Marcsa, Thanks for posting and for being blunt too...there really isnt a right or wrong here but it does show us the way...always great to read your posts Marcsa..Paul

[blondguy]

Sharny, thanks for replying..many people arent comfortable with compliments...this post is just a 'guide' so we can use it as a gauge for our self confidence. Paul:-)

CMF...thanks for comments...It funny how saying 'thankyou' (yes it takes practice) also feels good after you say it, we can actually boost our self esteem by doing so..Nice1 cmf:-) Paulx

[blondguy]

Blues Thanks for replying, your feet are firmly planted on the ground yet you are kind enough to have that 'inbuilt radar' to tone down a compliment to some people as not to make them feel uncomfortable. Nice1 Paulx