A Lifetime of Bullying

[amd1953]

This is something that I have lived with since my early teens.   It is something that happened to me so long ago that you might think that it has faded from memory.   The fact is, that what happened then, some fifty to sixty years ago, is still as fresh in my mind today as it was then.   As much as I have tried to push it away from me, it seems to hang over me like a noxious cloud.   I remember everything.   I have forgotten nothing.   I know their names and I see their faces.   I feel the physical blows raining down on me and I hear the abuse that went with it.   To them, I was some wild animal captured in a cage for their amusement.   Poked and prodded, punched and spat on.   I've had it all done to me.   Punched in the stomach and punched in the face for no reason at all other than to give them all a sense of power and control.   Yes, it did happen a long time ago and yes, in a strange way, I have forgiven them.   What choice do I have?   There is one thing though that I wish I could do and that is know what sort of men are they today.   Do they have families and would they accept the same kind of public punishment to their children?   If they have any kind of humanity in themselves, I think I can guess most of the answers.   There is an innate cruel streak that runs through us like a dormant cancer.   For those who can control their anger and their prejudices, the problem is held in check.   One only has to consider the domestic violence statistics to know what men are like.   They are even worse when they are younger.   But it is all swept under the carpet and nothing is ever done to address it.   God help us all, I say.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear amd1953,

I am sorry you were bullied through out school, doesn’t how long ago that bullying/trauma happens in our lives….triggers can set those horrid memories to feel like it’s happening all over again….I have those triggers and my abuse started right back when I was a young child, at home, then at school and very sadly in my marriage….It’s been 10 years since my late husband passed….(my biggest abuser…DV)……After a number of years I thought that I was free…but the PTSD left to me by these abusive people, can be triggered and, then, my brain goes right back years ago when it all happened and I’m going through it all again….and it feels so real all over again…my psychologist/counsellor has helped me to get through those triggered times with distraction techniques….Do they work….well not all the time…at least it’s something…

One of my abusers, my eldest brother, has lived a good life, nice house, wife, children, money it all fell into his lap…I often think about how he would feel,  if his son did to his sister what he done to me….then how would he feel….I pray and hope that that never happens in any family, ever…but very sadly it does…..would he then understand how much hurt and devastation he caused throughout my life….I have re- connected with the bullies at school, with my our old schools Facebook page….I received many apologies by my bullies, which I accepted and now we chat every so often on fb….I think, yes we can forgive…but it’s impossible to forget…

I have had 4 male figures in my life…my father, 2 brothers and my late husband….all except my younger brother used me and my body the way they wanted to….and I couldn’t stop them….This caused me to be very scared of all men for many years…My mind kept telling me that men are bullies and they are only out to hurt me….I stayed home for many years, sometimes stayed inside my home for months at a time, then I had to volunteer to receive Centrelink payments….My boss was a man, for a couple of years I stayed away from him…after all he was a man and they only hurt me…they were my thoughts, but over a period of 2-3 years I realised he was a good person….Then I was placed in the shop to work a couple of years ago…I was a mess, men coming into the shop and I had to interact with them…some scared me so much that I hid in the ladies room until they left the shop…some were very kind and nice to me….even though they didn’t look it….eventually I have learnt to be a bit comfortable around men….and I’ve realised…that not all men are cruel…their are some really nice, kind and gentle men out there in the world….Will I ever get close to a man…No, but I now know,  their are both good and bad people in this world…both women and men….I am still very cautious around men…and am never alone with them, and if I had to be… I will always have an escape path…just in case….Learning to trust another human, be it a man or women, takes time….a long time, and in many cases it’s sometimes necessary in life…

Thinking of you with kindness and care Dear amd1953..

Grandy..

[randomxx]

Hi amd

l can say l might know how you feel and wondered all the same stuff. lt eventually left all together me for about 20yrs, but strangely it's just of late come back again after all this time. Don't know why and l don't really wanna know or dwell on it because l'm sure not gonna let the likes ruin this part of my life now.

l handled it pretty good to back then too l think, l was 14 or 15. l turned my back and went on with growing up and life. Did lots of things with new friends and later as an adult , those fools couldn't even imagine. l had one thing on my side helped me do that because l've just never cared what anyone thinks of me, well not people like that that don't matter and the like anyway and so l hardly thought about it again apart from fleeting moments. l also refused too, that helped too.

l don't really wonder how those 3 turned out, l already know.  l know people pretty good through hard knocks and l know good but also the just plain cold hearts and personalities too when l see them. And these bastards were just that.

l did pass the main one at about 35 on a building site. Wasn't sure it was him but l felt him from inside the building looked out the window and someone had their back to where l was but l still felt it, even inside. l had to walk out 10mins later and to the next building, straight past him.

l couldn't see him front on but l still felt it and as l walked 3 or 4mtrs past ahead,l felt him look up and smirk , like l had eyes in the back of my head. Right then l knew some of us make mistakes, but some of us are just like him and don't change. lt wasn't a mistake or regret to them, just a bit of fun, no soul no heart.

l also saw one of the other 2 too,a few yrs later. He always had that edge too even at 13yrs old and at that time about 40 now, he still had it too. Cold, no heart, sadistic. l knew people that knew him and loved him, he put on a great show that one, but l knew who he really was.

That one was a weird one, because his dad knew my dad and his dad was about the kindest most beautiful man you'd ever meet, how did he get a son like this?

Anyway, even at this weird time in life now, nearly 20yrs later again now, strangely it's all crossed my mind a bit again lately now,no idea why now. l've even wondered lf l'd just like to put all 3 out of their misery.

But that's about it. l refused it ruining my life then and l am now too.

Take care.

rxx

[amd1953]

Hello Grandy,

Wow, what can I say to you after reading that?   I am so sorry to hear that you had to live through all of that horrific stuff.   I don't think anyone should have to endure that kind of thing.   I understand how you feel about men and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.   I'm not a big fan of them either and I happen to be one, albeit an old one now.   I have been married twice and both marriages were an absolute disaster in just about every respect.   For me it was verbal abuse and not physical, the first time and the second one was just a big con job.   Bullying at school is bad enough but when you are dealing with so-called adults, you expect them to have maturity and some kind of compassion or empathy for their fellow men and women.   Some people are so good at hiding their true personalities and show you or allow you to see, only what they choose to show.   My parents divorced when I was about 10 but I never believed that I would have to go through it myself.   I thought that would never happen to me.   But it did and I went in for a second serve.   I was hoping to find someone to love and for them to love me in return but it was not meant to be.   I never realised that dream.   All gone now but at least I am wiser.   A lady once told me that all men are murderers and rapists.   Well, we're not.   Some of us are more human than we probably should be.   Meaning that we feel empathy for those who suffer at the hands of another human.   Anyone is capable of anything given the right circumstances and sometimes I am ashamed at the things I hear.   Usually your family are the ones to trust the most but it still pays to be careful.   You have my deepest sympathy and I wish I could say something else to make you feel better than you might do currently.   

Kind regards amd

[amd1953]

Hi Random,

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts.   I just threw mine out there in the hope that I could convince a few people that not everyone is a monster.   Unfortunately, the history is against men where domestic violence is concerned but as I said to Grandy, we are not all the same.   

Regards

amd

[randomxx]

Hi amd and a shout out to grandy. l haven't read yours yet grandy but l know from my other times here a little about it all.

l would though to all , say remove the man only thing , bc l tell you , there are plenty of women and girls even too , just as bad , believe you me , they just play differently so it doesn't seem as bad unless you or someone you love is on the receiving end. There's plenty of stories even right here , all through bb, even by people in their 60s still dealing with them.

But when l see the girls at school with my 12yr old daughter at the time, and all through growing up , and even now just this last few yrs early 20s, my God.

l thought it was bad for boys at school , or could be . l can tell you what , man, they can be nasty as hell. lt's just in a different way and doesn't very often involve punch ups , but sometimes l've thought many times , seeing what some of them went through, and what l've been through with some myself. Tbh, l think l'd prefer punch ups , although l'm by no means that type of person, but if l had to choose.

l've also got 6 sisters and there's others here still dealing with them too. But out of the 5 brothers and 6 sisters, l'd rather the brother anyyyyy day, any day. lf there's ever any crap or someone is going to get as dirty on as humanly possible, it's been from 3 of those sisters.

So , not that l'm saying they're worse although at times l have thought so actually buttttt, they are at least out there , in the plenty too. That much l would vouch for before a bible and have met or come across many a man who would do the same.

But l just wanna stress again , not that l'm for a second denying some of the evil men out there, no way , just saying.

Take call all.

rxx

[Ggrand]

Hello amd, randomxx and everyone…

rxx, I fully agree that their is some women that are just as bad or even worse then men…as I stated in my post to amd…..their is both good and bad in both men and women….I think that if the male causes trauma to another person, that the person receiving the abuse/trauma  has developed a very cautious or even fear of most other men….the same in reverse if a woman has caused trauma to a man….I think then men would be very cautious or fear woman in general…..I  think it’s our survival instincts trying to protect us from further abuse/trauma and starts taking over our rational thinking…

I am sorry rxx if I have offended you or any other males, who’s reading my post…I honestly didn’t mean for my words to hurt anyone….

Kind thoughts everyone with my care..

Grandy..

[randomxx]

Hi there grandy.

And nope not at all , all good.

l don't fear women as such, although in a strange way, maybe sad way, l'm still very cautious with my gf though even after 5yrs - following a marriage break up.

But women in general , there's just no pedestal or a taken for granted they'll be more decent than men any more, no special treatment just bc they're female or have a nice sweet smile. They have to earn it with me nowa days just like a man would. And so some l know, very few, when l'm sure, they might have that place, kinda. But l'm still very wary and unfortunately pretty well take it for granted that l can't truly trust even them anyway.

But then l could also say the same for most men l'd meet or know too. Even the 5 brothers yeah they're all very very easy to get along with these days absolutely hassle free and a pleasure to just see. But in all honesty there probably isn't even one l would ever fully trust though.

So yeah as you say , it goes both ways with all , no doubt about it.

All the best

rxx

[therising]

Hi amd1953

I once had someone say to me 'Bullies always go for the brightest light. They gather like moths to a flame'. When I look at my 18yo son and consider the bullying he faced from prep through to about year 10, I'd have to say that statement is so true. They go for the most feeling, the kindest, the most brilliant in so many ways, the most open minded and those who have a unique and gentle warmth to them. I imagine you are all these things and more. I always find it to be so heartbreaking when I hear of how the brightest of lights meets with the darkest of natures.

While I imagine some of those kids who were so brutal and cruel eventually woke up to the suffering they caused you, through developing the ability to feel for their own children, I also imagine the pain they feel for you while having woken up. I imagine some wish they could meet with you to express their sincere remorse. I imagine some suffer through their memories of what they put you through. Regarding the others, they will most likely always remain asleep as those around suffer through such a lack of consciousness and self questioning.

While my son and I discuss what it is to be sensitive (to have the ability to sense so much, from one extreme to the other), we discuss how much he has learned through such an ability. From the most beautiful people in his life through to the cruelest, he's come to read people like a book, through how he feels their nature. From upshifts to downshifts, he can feel who is brutal with their words and actions, who is degrading, who is thoughtless, who is closed minded and so on. Each person has a feel to them. He can feel who is inspiring, who is open minded, who is wonderful (full of wonder), who is a gifted seer (who can easily see through their imagination) etc. He's learned to trust what he feels, which is a far cry from the self doubt and sense of 'weakness' or 'brokenness' bullies led him to feel.

I imagine you to be a great inspiration for this new generation of highly sensitive kids. With the shutdowns they get regarding words such as 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up (grrr😠, I hate that)' I imagine your advice may be along the lines of 'Don't lose your sensitivity to the point where you can no longer feel for others or yourself, while being advised to become 'tough' and insensitive'. To those who advise 'You need to stop questioning and over analysing everything and just get on with life', I imagine you may say 'If you feel the need to question, challenge or analyse the hell out of life and people's behaviour, question, challenge and analyse'. And to those who lead deeply feeling people to feel worthless, I imagine you would agree that the greatest of leaders lead us to feel our true value in this world because it is they who can sense it. The most sensitive are typically the brightest lights. Just imagine how incredibly dark the world would be without them, without those to show us the way. I imagine you have always been brilliant.

[amd1953]

Greetings therising,

Thank you so much for responding to my post.   I really do appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences as you have.   I am so sorry to hear that your son had to suffer the same way, but it sounds like he has grown due to the negative experience.   That must always be a good thing.   I hope other people find the time to share in a similar way because we must never give up believing in ourselves.   Suffering in silence only makes everything worse.   Knowing that you are not alone might just make the difference for some people.   

I had to smile when you wrote "I imagine you have always been brilliant".   I think I might have blushed.   Nobody has ever said that to me before and while I appreciate the kind words, it is not about me, it is the people who have nowhere to turn that matter the most.   I can never do as much as I would like to but offering my own experiences might strike a chord with someone and that will inspire them to think a little differently about themselves.   I think we all need a bit of passion in our lives.   Well, this is mine.

Kind regards

amd1953