Withdrawal from world.

[Moi]

I transitioned from M to F across 2004–2007, in the job from which I’ve recently retired. Before 2004 i was married, with kids. That ended [not my choice] once my secret unexpectedly burst out. My birth family have stood by me.

My transition objective was to become simply one more anonymous woman in the crowd, blend in, raise no eyebrows, move amongst ordinary society as an unremarkable female. Attention-seeking was/is anathema to me. My carefully researched action plan was implemented over that 4-year span; in essence RLE, HRT, Electrology, Trach shave, speech pathology, FFS, Breast Augmentation & finally SRS. The logistics were complex, the cost [financial & emotional] huge, & the final outcome [vs my objective] was a failure. Yes I finally was free of that awful genitalia, & had its long-desired replacement. Though a source of comfort & satisfaction for me, the public can only see what’s not under my skirt or blouse when assessing my gender.

Despite all my careful research, selection of leading practitioners, & hard work, my hopes were dashed by the time i emerged out the other end of the tunnel. The Trach shave brought only minimal improvement to the ghastly bulge, & the extensive $$$ FFS produced a barely amended face that to this day i cannot look at in the mirror without a visceral reaction of loathing. I simply never see the woman who was needed.

From 2007 to 2009 i forced myself just to ignore my extreme negative self-assessment & also the stares, double-takes, smirks etc. Though many people were respectful, generous & kind, nothing conquered my dire view, nor the many visual cues of random strangers which proved over & over that my objective was unattained. By the end of 2009 i officially gave up, & withdrew from the world. With only rare exceptions i just do not leave my house. I have no social life at all, & little self-belief.

My clinical depression is severe, & a bad social phobia with it. My GP is aware of all this, & has tried to support me over the years since my transition began. I have tried various SSRIs, psychotherapy counselling, CBT, & various online courses. Clarity is important here -- my depression & social phobia are from the failure of my transition, NOT that i regret trying. 

Though some weeks & months are better than others, in general i still cry a lot, day & night, including often waking up in tears. I have no vision of a good future, only more ongoing lonely torment. I have suicidal thoughts often. This is my “life”.

[Moi]

Me, again [Part 2]. Resistance is Useless [one for the Vogons].

Over the intervening period since I first posted here, even more interpersonal loss/isolation has arisen, this time familial. I just wring my hands that, faced with abject inability to grasp the depth & breadth of my distress, & discomfort at someone who simply "refuses" to cheer up, more family members [of the small cohort hitherto remaining interested anyway] have seemingly decided that rather than being the manifestation of myriad symptoms, I am in fact the actual problem ["why can't you cheer up?", "why don't you just see someone to get 'fixed'?", "why do you 'refuse' to participate in all family events & activities?", etc]. Thus, my small world has become even more compact over these six years. Maybe I am in the process of creating my own eventual biological black hole?

On a brighter note, it's greatly heartening that at least in some parts of australia, greater awareness of, empathy for, & support to current & future generations of emerging transpeople is burgeoning. It would be so beautiful if they have real opportunities to discover & become their true selves, fully & holistically, before biology becomes destiny & they have to endure the existential despair of many of those before.

Yet, maybe due to the inescapable universal law of swings & roundabouts, or snakes & ladders, I despair at the horrific repressive regressions accelerating in numerous other countries. How does such hateful destructive ignorance & wilful harm come to be? Why are so many people awful, & intent on perpetrating their awfulness onto others legislatively, physically, & even violently? As the wonderful Prof Julius Sumner Miller was wont to exclaim, "Why is it so?".

[Sophie_M]

Hi Moi,  Welcome back to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here after all these years. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here again, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through.   If you ever want to talk this through with one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or reach out through Online Chat here.   Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[Moi]

Thank you,  Sophie M. 🤗