Will it ever be my turn?

[dgh71]

I am hurting pretty badly at the moment. I came out two years ago when I was 41 and after 2 years I am still no closer to having a partner, of having any sort of encounter with a person of the same sex.  I dont want a casual hookup  but would rather have a loving relationship...but therein lies the [roblem....no one likes me at all in that way in the slightest. because i want to have a relationship, any sort of sexual activity would come about after getting to know the person...but by the time I get to know them, they turna round and say that I am now in the 'friend zone'. How on earth am I ever supposed to find someone to love me if I just get shoved in that hole everytime?  I even tried to organise a one night fling with one of them and I still got rejected.  All around me I see people falling in love with their soulmates and I cant even get someone to share one night with, even just for a casual hookup 😞 I am really scared that no one will ever even want to hold me hand or just tell me that they love me. I know i am a good person..all my friends tell me I am the nicest guy ever....yet no one wants me at all. Ever 😞

I dont begrudge anyone their happiness at all..I am genuinely happy for them but i just wish the happiness could be spread in my direction for just once.  I ask so little of God or the Universe or whatever you want to call it, but even my siple requests are totally ignored and it feels like God does his damnedest to make sure the things I so wish and dream of DONT happen. he finds every conceivable way to shove it up me whenever he can....and then I realise that even God doesnt want me or even care about me ...for if he did he would have given me something to cling to...but he doesnt...he is too busy looking after everyone else. I have been to counselling and have been doing positive affirmations everyday for over six months now and really really trying to feel better about myself..but all that ever happens in reality is me getting the rough end of the stick all the time whilst always doing everything to be there for everyone else.  I want my turn

[white knight]

Hi dgh71, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

I thought the same today. I used a hammer and hit my thumb and thought - if there is a God why did he let me do that?  There are two things wrong with that line of thought....first is that God might be a woman and second I'm an athiest but I'm happy when others seek their beliefs.

I think you really know the answer to your own question.  It takes time and more time and it takes the right person to come along and in your situation you have to search elsewhere.

Chilling our a little over loneliness is the best you can do.  Let it happen but enhance your opportunities, spread your stamping ground, just be yourself.

It isnt easy for straight people, I'd imagine for gay people it would be 3 times more difficult.

[devlov]

Hi Dgh71,

I was amazed reading your post as I feel exactly the same way. I'm the same age as you 43 and based in Sydney. I've tried on-line dating, social groups and all I ever end up with is friends. What else is there to try? Do we need to change how we see ourself or approach situations. Would love to hear your feedback. 

Cheers 

[Paul]

Hi dgh71 and devlov

Have you tried meetup? There's a website and an app.

Meetup is community based groups of people who share similar interests. For example I'm in a few motorcycle groups (No, I'm not in QLD). a few sewing groups and a few gay groups where the other guys don't like clubs or loud pubs or the scene much either. There's even a gay singles group.

Yoga, health, pilates, fitness, plane spotting, restaurant hopping, coffee snobs, you name it, its there!

google "meetup" or install the app. You might bump into mr right and find you are both into the same things!

Paul xx

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi dgh71 and devlov. Welcome to the forums. 

 I sometimes share you frustration ... and the sadness that accompanies that loneliness. I felt that way at my friends' wedding. Devolv's question about changing our perspectives of ourselves or situations, I agree to a point. Negative thoughts about self-worth can be detrimental a person's confidence, impacting the conversation and "connection". But we can't control what others think, feel or do, and it takes 2 (or more) to make a relationship, so try not to be too hard on yourself if there is no mutual spark. I like white knight's perspective of acknowledging the feeling, and continue on.

I don't know what to say - I'm really not an authority to give suggestions, but I have heard that meeting people with similar interests in like a social group, like what Paul suggested, is an easier way to break the ice with strangers. There seems to a "LGBTI" social group for anything now, even sports to video games to religion. Like white knight said, expanding opportunities. 

Soldier on. 

ET.

[devlov]

Hi Paul, thank you for your response. I can't believe it's been a year since I wrote that last entry. Yes, I have tried meetup and still engaged in various groups. I think I've come to the realisation (very cliche, but true): stop looking for love, it will find you...

Cheers Al x

[devlov]

Hi ET, thank you for your reply. yes, let's just keep soldiering on. Whilst we are doing it, maybe consider the world through a different lens (less negative and more positive). That's what I'm trying to apply to myself.

Cheers Al x

[justinok]

devlov said:

Hi Paul, thank you for your response. I can't believe it's been a year since I wrote that last entry. Yes, I have tried meetup and still engaged in various groups. I think I've come to the realisation (very cliche, but true): stop looking for love, it will find you...

Cheers Al x

Hi Al, that is so true. I think sometimes when we're looking for it, we can appear desperate without realising it, which is a real turn off.

[Paul]

What's wrong with being desperate justinok? You said you'd love me no matter what!

[Paul]

😛