What To Do When You Can't Come Out?

[smolmistake]

Hi, I'm a transgender boy and I'm also pansexual. I really want to be out, but I just can't. My family is lgbtphobic and I'm not sure what would happen if I came out. I guess the first place I should be out is school, as I get called she/her pronouns and by my birthname a lot. But, from what I've gathered, my school is also lgbtphobic as many people use gay as insult and continuously use the f slur. I do wear boy-type clothing and have my hair cut short because that's how I feel most comfortable. But, I think rumors are starting at school about me being a lesbian. Of course, I have absolutely no problem at all with lesbians it's just that the school is lgbtphobic and that I'm not a girl. I just don't know what I can do, I can't come out and I can't handle being called she/her pronouns, my birthname and girly.  

[Paul]

Hi smolmistake,

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums - Thanks for letting us know how you feel and for describing what seems to be a pretty lonely experience.

I get the feeling you're pretty comfortable with who you are, that's an awesome head start and it makes a solid foundation for your journey. Knowing who you are makes it so much easier to explain to others who might not understand and are genuinely wanting to know or those you feel need to know. The insults are tiring, sometimes upsetting, unnecessary and not of any value to you because you are pretty strong in knowing who you are.

Do you have any friends you are out to? Anyone you've told or confide in? I think it really helps to have a friend like that who you can just be yourself around and they can be themselves. If you don't, please let me know. We can explore some groups of people to chat with who can share the journey with you or be of great assistance with sharing their experiences.

Your second sentence was "I really want to be out..." I understand that wanting to be recognised for who you are instead of who people think you are us important. It's really important! This echoes throughout your post, especially when you say you can't handle the "she/her pronouns, your birthname and girly". I get this and I get that it might feel like people not accepting you and people trying to undo the work you have done to just be yourself.

You would probably know that this is a step by step process and as you mentioned there are a lot of LGBTIQphobic people around. Please please be patient in coming out. I know that what I've mentioned above makes it so difficult, but let's go step by step so that there is an established support network around you before you choose who to come out to.

I'd really love it if we could work together on this. You've probably gathered I'm not trans (not from my picture anyway). I'm gay and friendly and I care that you are in a situation where it feels like there's no one around who isn't phobic. That's why I say, let's work on it together and we can discover the right resources together.

There are transgender people who drop by the forums. I'm sure a helping hand will be extended.

So next steps;

Hold off on coming out for a bit - let's grab some advice from someone who has.

If you feel comfortable, tell me if you have some friends who know.

And again, if you are comfortable, which state in Australia you are from? That will help me grab some more info.

Paul.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Smolmistake, 

You have my respect, I remember being at school and dealing with all those things that people say and do that restrict us from being who we are. I would love to see you able to use your preferred name and pronouns. If you want to share them I would... Have you been able to share with any friends? That is the best place to start and you can't beat a supportive friend. It made me feel rather happy to hear that you are comfortable with boys cloths and that you do wear them, I would be willing to bet that you look your best that way too. Thinking about it there are some groups on Facebook for young people and educators that are there to support and share what works, have you found them? You are not the only boy at school right now dealing with this so it might help to connect up with others. And we are here too, I don't mind if you just need to have a good rage or complain and would love to hear about things as they get better. And my experience being genderqueer is that things do get better.

Rob.