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I (24 F) always identified myself as straight, even though most of the male crushes I had were fictional. I have never had any interest in women.

 

I was trying to read a BL called ten count, but I was worried about being misogynistic. So I decided to look at a few forums and I stumbled on Quora and other sources about experiences about being a lesbian. I decided to read a GL called Asumi chan is interested in lesbian brothels: I read the first chapter and I began to have nightmares and intrusive thoughts, to the point where I couldn’t sleep alone.

 

I also started to look up book covers of the manga, YouTube videos of women being intimate, women (celebrities) in sexy clothes, Yuri sexual explicit on r34 , looking at lesbian dating apps, and started having intrusive thoughts of being intimate with women to confirm my orientation.

 

I looked up other forums on reddit and quora to see if my orientation has changed. My sister said that sexuality is fluid but I saw other forums say that the statement was homophobic. I am muslim so there might be societal pressure as well but I have been depressed, sometimes to the brink of tears. I have lost interest in drawing, learning Japanese and a lot of my previous hobbies and I have lost interest in men and forming relationships with both men and women, to the point where my whole routine and goals are being ignored.

 

What should I do? I am not having intrusive thoughts at night and I am smiling at certain dreams (being intimate with women). I am having intrusive thoughts at other times and sometimes I get anxious. One time, I had an intrusive thought of kissing my friend and I cried in the surgery. Some of my thoughts feel real (like marrying women, and being intimate with them ).

 

I sometimes feel calm and sometimes I am indifferent, which scares me I still look up images (sexy or not) of women and the results vary from anxious to feeling nothing. I don't know if I am a lesbian or if I got desensitised to the whole thing.

 

I have these intrusive thoughts at work (I never felt this way before) where I would get nervous around women and I don't know why it started. I did a quiz on wikihow on am I lesbian and when I did it, it said I was attracted to women and when I saw the comments, one of them said that one sign is having mainly women friends and male fictional characters and I kept using chatgpt and reddit to reassure myself. When I watch certain shows like Mr Bean, I stop thinking about this and I feel better, which worries me because I wonder if these thoughts are genuine if a TV show is able to distract me I had my therapy session and I mentioned sometimes I go onto reddit to explore the possibility of OCD and they said I might have it or not and I am worried because I wonder what if I don't and I am in denial of everything. I just want my old life back (before the intrusive thoughts). If I stop the compulsions, will the intrusive thoughts go away?

 

I feel "excited", an urge to smile and anxiety like I am enjoying my thoughts but I still look depressed. When someone mentions I look depressed I lose it and start crying I went out with my sister on the train to a cafe and I couldn't stop staring at all of the women to see if I was attracted to them. When I arrived to the cafe, I had fun but when I went back on the train, I had an intrusive thought about my best friend and resting my head on her shoulder , wondering if I had a stronger relationship than I thought. I texted her and I regretted it (to the point of tears) I heard sexuality is fluid but that makes me nervous. I posted this query on reddit, quora and discord for answer but I got called gay (I didn't handle it maturely).

 

My sister asked why I am afraid to be gay and I don't know. My sister and my family would be supportive if I was gay or bi. What should I do?

1 Reply 1

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Orangejuice09!

I'd like to give you a warm welcome to the Forum and hope you will find some fresh thoughts on your problems.

 

Before I say anything else I do rather think your source material for making any sort of judgment about gender is not ideal. Works of fiction like "Ten Count" and "Asumi chan" are examples of a very small part of fiction, and each seems to have thier own rather rigid points of view as their main themes.

 

Similarly using Redit/Google and ChatGPT can do more harm than good.

they are not professionals dealing with you the individual.

 

I can quite understand where unwanted thoughts on a gender theme may be upsetting and make you doubt yourself and your identity. It can of course make you wonder as to your nature and if you are in denial. This is a circular trap without an easy way out by yourself.

 

I am however worried that " lost interest in drawing, learning Japanese and a lot of my previous hobbies and I have lost interest in men and forming relationships with both men and women, to the point where my whole routine and goals are being ignored."

 

Neither your intrusive thoughts and you current unhappy withdrawal from life  should just be endured. You really do need to take action. You may find you require two therapists, one to deal wiht intrusive thoghts, the other your withdrawal. Than again thay may both be part of the same thing.

 

While your sister may be right that for some people fluidity is natural for others it can be important for their self view to be of one particular way. You may find out more about yourself when you do have a long term intimate relationship, where you find kindness, consideration, reliability and trust as as important as intimacy and gender wil have sorted itself out.

 

Please realise that for very may the question of their gender is a very worrying puzzle, you are not alone. Similarly people from other cultures may be under pressure to be a certain way. I would suggest having a look at QLIFE, but use it in conjunction with a therapist and try to realise hthere is no race to find out.

 

Croix