what is my sexuality

[Whichway]

Hi everyone, here for a bit of support and advice

I've had a bit of a rough time the last 10 years with drug abuse anxiety and bipolar disorder. I have managed them all fairly successfully; lacking some confidence but functioning fairly well in society in regards to happiness, degree, job, family, etc.
Now after all the trials and tribulations, I've come undone again which has not happened in years. Long story short one day before all the mental health stuff i freaked out years ago because i thought i was gay, i felt like it was the first time my mind had deceived me... never had a homosexual thought in my life, but have also never had a serious relationship with a woman.. slept with a number of them but was never interested in a long term thing. I just figured it wasn't really for me relationships and i got along pretty happily alone.
However recently i have met this really really great girl. shes everything i could have dreamed of... she also likes me back.
but the anxiety about being gay comes up.. i don't understand it, its, i really like her but i get this very uncomfortable feeling around her like i'm not getting what i want from a relationship from her. However i just don't crave anything from anyone else sexually..
Anyway i have been trying to work through this on my own to no avail, have done some things and tried to logically think my way through it, also sitting and observing my feelings and thoughts that have not really helped me at all. where I'm at is I kind of have been left with the idea that i might be looking for something in a woman that they cant give me, its something i need to give myself. Its kind of the same reason i don't have any of close friends i think they will leave me/ see me as damaged goods so i have trouble opening up to them or being myself. However around family members who i figure i will have for life, i am the warmest and most loving person.
I was hoping some people on here could offer me some advice, or point me in the right direction. I have spoken to my family about this and they are somewhat at odds with how to help me.
Much appreciated

B

[Croix]

Dear B~

Welcome here to the Forum, I hope after talking with peple here your mind will be more at rest. You certainly have had to cope with some very life-changing matters, drug abuse, bipolar and an anxiety condition too.

To cope and to hold a job, have attained a degree, maintain relations with your family and even find a measure of happiness, that's a real triumph.In fat I would think hte fact you are warm and loving with your family is the most significant pointer to who you are.

So there are a couple of worries that are maybe taking over at the moment, the first being doubt over your sexuality. You mentioned when you were a lot younger you had an unwarranted thought you might be gay, it came out of the blue, and had not been as a result of attraction to the opposite sex -have I got that right?

Intrusive and worrying thoughts can simply occur, often due to forms of anxiety, and are nothing to do with the basic makeup of a person, in fact they may well be completely alien to that person's nature. When much younger I worried too for a while. I would imagine, if you were attracted to the opposite sex you would have taken steps in that direction - instead you have simply been intimate with women, but not wanted things to be permanent.

Now you are involved wiht a woman who you like, and who likes you. Nevertheless you feel something missing.

Relationships -good ones- are based on trust and respect. Do you think you feel enough of those to talk frankly with this person and see where it goes. After all a relationship is two people, and problem solving together is essential. So is honesty. I would imagine your freind may well have picked up your unhappiness and be blaming herself.

You have had the courage to talk to your family about this, a difficult subject to bring up, however you friend may have the most chance of working though it with you. What do you think?

It may or may not be a matter of sexual orientation, or the strength of your natural libido (there is a huge range here), it might be something else, it could be fear of permanence or being thought less of, I've no idea. However I know from my own experience with ongoing anxiety that thoughts can get blown up out of all proportion, given a significance they do not deserve.

In closing can I ask if you are currently under medical support (I needed it) for your bipolar and anxiety conditions?

Please let us know what you think about the above, if I'm on the wrong track say so, no hassles

Croix

[missep123]

Hi Whichway,

First of all I would like to say that it is really awesome that you have attained a degree, a job and coped with everything! Go you!

Croix mentioned a really valid point, sometimes our anxiety can come through as intrusive or worrying thoughts. A lot of the time we are having negative automatic thoughts that run through our minds and make us feel a certain way and act in a certain way. The fact that they are automatic means that often we don't even realise we are having them. For me personally I have found it really helpful to explore what my underlying thinking patterns are for example catastrophising, black/white thinking. I can then realise that I'm feeling a certain way because I'm thinking a certain way.

I can see that you are already showing a lot of insight but also are on a journey to self-discovery. As Croix has mentioned, would this girl be someone you can open up to about what you are thinking and how you are feeling?

I know personally when I try something new or something feels good it can scare me and make me want to run away. It comes down to my brain saying 'stop! this is too good to be true' and sometimes I can end up sabotaging it. When I follow through my brain can then experience a new situation that actually turned out positively and I can start to combat my previous negative experiences.

You are definitely not alone though! We are here for you 🙂

[Whichway]

Thank you so much for your well thought out and caring response, (Croix and Missep123) it overall has been on-point and offered clarity.
In order...
To say you got the right idea... yes i would say you are on point, i had an unwarranted thought about being gay, it was like drawing a hugely long conclusion on a minor issue of not wanting to be in a relationship or feeling awkward around women.. however experiencing of the panic and anxiety that followed afterwards was so troubling that it has stuck with me for a long time afterwards.. i was angry i'm not anymore and i did took steps to see if i was attracted, however nothing eventuated..

What i want is confidence, i would love to have to confidence to know i like this person 100%, and an ability to commit without any doubts.. this might be asking too much given my history of anxiety.

I agree about the trust and respect part. It is an issue that I am facing in terms of that. I am hiding a little of my mental health history. I have told her I struggled in the past but to what extent she does not know. The thought of that conversation taking place and unraveling the whole story makes me nervous, because I feel like it would probably become a part of how she sees me after I have worked so hard in my ability to take it in my stride and it’s not how I see myself. Depending on the day; I see myself as someone more who has worked immensely hard in order to function and be happy with the cards I have been dealt with an at times dysfunctional brain.

Now having considered the conversation and explaining how i see myself instead of thinking about the worse possible scenario it seems to be more manageable...will have to take steps in order to do this as well.

Currently, I am not seeing anyone for my mental health as it has been well managed.. Occasionally I would call my psychologist for help, guidance and advice but have been putting it off a little because i felt more their advice has been a little off target with my needs.

I have made steps to start seeing someone else because I feel like it would be helpful to me in resolving this issue and potentially further lift my baseline happiness.

I really appreciate your help with this.

B-

[Croix]

Dear B~

You are in charge of your medical treatment and the best person to know how you feel, so if the current psych is not helping then either say so and see if the approach could be different or try elsewhere. I have fond it is the relationship, trust and ease of talking, rather than the specific technical therapy, that does me the most good.

I would think that talking with your friend is a must. To have hanging over you head you did not say who you are is not going to help you in the long run (or her). In partnerships troubles are shared, and there are two minds to help deal with them. Really if she cares for you and wants to be with you it is partly her problem too. You do not have to bear all the weight on your own shoulders. Another can be a real help.

You don't need to take may steps to have this talk, just a quiet time and explain the past and present, including the fact that when secure you can be the warmest and most loving person. Also that you are frightened about the talk itself.

Do you think that these are the right ways to go?

Croix

[missep123]

Hi Whichway,

I think maybe one good thing to think about is 'what advice would you give to a friend, if they were in the same situation that you're in'. It helps to think about what we're going through in a different perspective.

In terms of your psychologist if you feel the advice they are giving is a little bit off target, have you tried telling them this?

Here for you! 🙂