Hi Rawr,
I actually think it's really natural for you to be very confused aroubd everything after hooking up with your friend.
So, there are a few things going on all at once here i think: as you said, you don't fully understand your feelings all the time (who does?); plus you don't normally do hookups anyway (so you might be feeling a bit weirded out about it even if it hadn't been with a friend); on top of that, you are close friends with this guy and have a crush or some extra feelings for him, as well as being close as a friend; and now you're worried cos it's awkward between you guys and you don't want to lose his friendship.
All this would add up to a super- confusing situation!
Before you hooked up, you guys were touchy feely as friends and that felt nirnal and natural, but now afterwards it probs feels strange and awkward cos now, where does the boundary lie, between being friendly touchy and something more? It's sirt of blurry now, cos you've crossed that line together.
It sounds like you really want to keep the friendship, so maybe you do need to have ankther clarification with him, like Mark said, tell him you really value his friendship and try to put it down to a little experiment between you maybe ...
And hopefully as some time passes, things will even-out again between you.
He might be feeling all these similar feelings of confusion as well you know? It might be good to talk it out a bit more with him so it doesn't get frozen in weirdness.
You weren't rambling at all, it made perfect sense. It can be good to write your feelings down, and think/talk it through with others.
Come back and talk some more if you want to, we're here in your corner.
🌻birdy
