How to know if I am “trans enough”

[MH2019]

Hi all.

I am a mid forties m2f trans woman but am struggling with accepting that to be true or fighting it I am not sure.

I have been working with my councillor who is great to answer the question am i really trans or is this just a thing. A fetish.

My problem is being able to understand if I am really just attracted to the appearance of the female form and fashion or whether that’s my real me just longer to be that person.

i find a am a real sucker for fashion. I think I have good taste but through my years experimenting with cross dressing I have become worried that I have just developed or grown my interest such that it is a fetish or addiction.

my councillor feels that’s not the case and with all the other signs and emotions I feel when presenting or even when I am just letting my guard down that backs up that I am Actually trans.

The idea of being a cross dresser is actually not something I find comfortable it has always felt more than that.

I am now worried as the more I accept this the more I want. I feel like I am ready to go out and face the world and want to do so more and more but there is an element of me that worries it’s just me feeding the addiction. Wanting more.

how can I tell? What do I do to manage the process more?

How do I decide that really I am trans enough that I should consider transition? and is that worth risking my marriage for?

thanks for listening

M.

[Alexlisa]

Hello M and welcome to the forums.

I can hear how much you want certainty about your gender. I know it can be hard to accept, but I’m not sure that it’s possible to be 100% sure because gender identity exists on a spectrum. Trying to hold your thoughts more lightly, to let go of that struggle and urgency to know might help to settle some of your thoughts and feelings so that you can see yourself more clearly with time. There’s no reason to rush. Many transgender people take years to come to a place where they can say that they understand and accept themselves. It can be a slow process, and that’s ok. It’s ok to take your time.

These days there’s less pressure than ever to label yourself, as people accept more that gender and sexuality can be quite fluid. There is no one way to be transgender, and it’s really only up to you to say if you’re ‘trans enough’.

I was wondering if your counsellor specialises in gender issues as I think it would be really helpful to see one. There is an organisation called the Gender Centre Inc in NSW that provides psychological support, group support and information. They have a list of resources available in other states at:

https://gendercentre.org.au/resources/support-resources/helpful-links/category/support-directory

If you contact one of these organisations they should able to direct you to suitable services in your area.

It sounds like you’re feeling quite isolated in your experiences. It can be so helpful to connect with a community of people that are going through similar experiences to you. You shouldn’t have to do this alone and there are people out there who are going through/have been through the same thing, and can share their experiences. I think it would help to get in touch with Qlife (qlife.org.au). They provide phone support on 1800 184 527 and webchat from 3pm to midnight each day. You’ll be able to speak to trained staff who understand what you’re going through and can also tell you about other services and groups in your area.

The Qlife website also has a list of resources for each state at:

https://qlife.org.au/resources/directory

I know what you’re going through is difficult and I’m really glad you’ve been seeing a counsellor and also decided to come here. You’re being brave, but I’d love to see you get some more support. In particular if you could find a group to attend where you can share your experiences and make social contact I think it would be really helpful.

Take care

Alexlisa

[MH2019]

Thank you Alexlisa

taking things slowly of course makes sense but it’s often hard when going through so many emotions.

i am certainly looking to reach out to support groups to get the opportunity to talk more with like minded individuals.

My councillor is amazing and she does have experience in this field but not sure she specialises in it so I might try the link you suggest.

I was chatting in qLife just yesterday and that was great. It’s nice to be able to be open and honest without fear of being judged.

Thanks for your reply.

Best

M

[LizK]

Hi M

This is a struggle many of us go through. Sometimes trying to tell ourselves that its not real or just a phase/hobby or even addiction is just a way pf coping. Even though society is far more open now days about being trans for many of us we still carry the scars of our upbrining which for many of us saw Trans people as an aberration or simply just sick.

I understand your battle and I would suggest the best way for you to move forward could be to explore these feelings on a real level. Try presenting in your target gender and see how it makes you feel. I used to get quite depressed after cross dressing because it felt like boxing up the real me. There are all sorts of things that can cause the anxiety surrounding cross dressing.

I was told at 18 that I was probably transsexual and I immediately ran from this and decided I would take this to my grave. I very nearly did but eventually I found the courage to meet this head on and completed my transition about 6 months ago. I am the happiest I have been in my life and gender no longer the biggest issue in my life.

I work with many trans people and I can honestly say that many have them have expressed similar feelings that you are describing.

Feel free to contact me should you need any further help

Liz

[MH2019]

@LizK

thanks so much for your kind reply. Sorry it has taken me so long to see this. I gave up hope others would reach out I guess.
I would dearly like to chat with you if possible as it would help immensely with my situation.
I think have progressed a lot since my last post but I still have the lingering doubts. I am finding this Need to be me seems to be becoming all encompassing. And focuses on other things harder.
look forward to hearing a back.
M