Unsupportive Family

[Lanno]

More and more recently, my girlfriend has been bullied by her parents. The are very religious, and very homophobic. We are lesbians, and have decided that the best thing for her to do is to move out to get away from them, and instead live with me and my housemates, who are my old high school friends.

My girlfriend has intense anxiety, and is on medication but hasn't been able to find a psychologist that is the right fit for her. Our relationship is good, and her moving in will be a great improvement for her mental health. The problem is that her parents have a strong Greek background, meaning they really don't want her to leave them. Her parents have been emotionally manipulative, and it's really damaging. She hasn't been able to come out to them, so she has to say she's moving in with friends.

She doesn't know how to tell her mum that she is moving out, and knows that once she leaves her parents, they will divorce. I guess what I'm asking is for some advice to make her transition as easy as possible because I know she's really anxious about the impact this will have on her family and herself), and for suggestions on how she can tell her mum. Maybe even for support organisations? I can't find any that seem to offer the right services.

Thanks in advance.

[Paul]

Hey Lanno, thanks for reaching out. You're an awesome girlfriend - I can tell from how you write that you have been supportive of your girl all the way through.

Now if only her parents... They ARE grown ups after all and despite background and religion will still make their own decisions and choices.

I think with the transition it could be done in bite size pieces. "Mum, I'm moving out and I'm a lesbian and this is my girlfriend" might all be way too much at one time. I wonder if "I'm thinking of moving out with some friends" might be much gentler to start with. Taste it and see. The reason doesn't need to be a lie, for example your girlfriend might explain that she would like the explore her independence or that it's closer to amenities etc.

Regarding anxiety - one of my nemeses, the step by step approach will likely benefit your girl as well. I really understand finding the right fit in a psychologist or any therapist, even your GP. There are lists of therapists available at the bottom of the page in the links, there's also info for gay folks like us that deal with anxiety and coming out - they may have some more to add to what you've already discovered and my 2.2c worth. I think it's worth persisting with trying to find the right fit with a therapist - if you haven't been with your girlfriend to see her therapist do you think that might help?

PFLAG might be a good place to start (if not already) for resources.

Coming Out Australia is another that has popped up

I did a Google search for Greek lesbian coming out support Melbourne and got a few hits.

There may be some people on our forums here who can be of more assistance.

Take care and let me know how things go.

Paul

[sidsthename]

Hi Lanno,
Sounds like you've got a lot going on.

Are you and your partner living in a metropolitan city? 
Because I highly recommend using the Australian Clinic Psychology Association or Australian Psychological Society to find a psych who caters for her needs, otherwise Headspace centers are an incredible service which provide Gp's Psychologists & Psychiatrists all in the one location. 

I believe maybe the best thing to do is to take things one step at a time, so start with moving out, and then maybe in a few weeks or months once she has the support of a psychologist she can speak to her family/come out. 

Please keep us updated on how things go and if you need extra assistance or support. 
Wishing you all the best.

[Clare1]

Hi Lanno,

I think paul has made a valuable point in his reply. Your girlfriend's parents are adults, and they are quite able to make choices about their behaviours in the future. It seems terribly unfair for them to use emotional blackmail, threatening to divorce if they don't get their own way...that's so dhildish.

 Having said that, there's not much you or your GF can do to change their attitudes. So you two have to make some choices. First up, are you both old enough to decide for yourselves how it's going to be? If you are, then your happiness might be the most important criterion. If not, the you may need to wait a bit.

If talking won't succeed in changing the family rules, you two need to bite the bullet and decide if your love for each other is strong enough to withstand defying the parents.

Look on the bright side, maybe your gf's anxiety is a result of her parents' manipulations, and release from that could help a great deal.

But take baby steps, and use Paul's excellent advice and the resources that are available.

Clare

[Clare1]

Hello again Lanno,

I was still thinking about your dilemma, and I put a DVD on to watch...if you haven't seen "The Sapphires", go get it and watch it with your gf. If you have seen it, go get it and watch it again.

Sometimes we have to go and do what we need to do and let the other people in our lives react as they choose, but we all make our choices.

More power to you, girl!

Clare

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Lanno,

In a study on what made the most difference for lesbian young adults, the number one thing was supportive friends. So you are helping by being there and caring. I'd agree on the suggestion of seeking support from Greek gay and lesbian people. I come from a Welsh family and connecting with others from there helped me feel belonging and helped understand my family better. 

Rob.

[Lanno]

Hi Paul, thanks for the advice! She has told me she is telling her mum she's going to move out with friends, and I'm guessing she is leaving the coming out part until a later time, if at all anytime soon. I'll check out those links, thanks for the suggestion. Although yesterday she called and went into Headspace and they literally said "we can't help you with that" so she was feeling pretty dejected by that. I'm sure there will be plenty more places that are willing to help out.

I'm unsure how she would feel about me being present, but it's certainly an idea. I've thought about taking her to my old counsellor but she is over an hour away and difficult to get to as my girlfriend doesn't have her licence, and I would take her but I work on her days off. But I'll stick with it and keep trying to find her someone suitable!

Thanks again!

[Lanno]

Hi Sid.

Yeah, things are a little hectic! We live in Melbourne, and only about 15 minutes from each other so it's not too far for her to go when she needs to get away. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll try the first, because Headspace were really unhelpful to her yesterday. She called and went into their office and they literally told her they couldn't help.

Thanks for your advice!

[Lanno]

Hey Clare,

It is a shame that they're adults and are acting this way. There's a lot of emotional blackmail behind the scenes and it's a really toxic environment to be in for her. Her dad even went so far as to say that he wouldn't be able to control himself if he got angry, and he would probably hit her mum. She was understandably upset by that.

I'm 21 and she is 22, but we're both mature enough to take this on. Even then if living together doesn't fit too well, we could find her a place close by to live before we tried living together again. I just think the best thing is removing her from that environment as soon as possible.

But she can still visit her parents and I'm happy to drive her, and even visit them with her (as her friend, which is what they know me as). Yesterday she even called me at work to talk to me about how her mum woke her up by telling her about this "great lecture" she had went to the night before. It was a homophobic lecture with "educated teachers and lawyers" who are apparently "smart enough to know how wrong being gay is". This isn't even the first time it has happened. Her mum constantly talks about signing homophobic petitions at church and tells my girlfriend about it. It must be so difficult to live with every day.

But I have the day off tomorrow and I'm helping her move more of her stuff to my house and one of my house mates has even offered to come and help if need be.

Thanks for the advice with the DVD as well, I'll give it a go!

Thanks so much to all of you, you've been really helpful and it's great to know that there are kind people out there ready to offer advice. It's hard to think about things calmly when I'm so mad about the way she is treated. But now I've definitely got more to go on and I'm even more motivated to do so. You're all champions! I'll keep you all updated 🙂

[Paul]

You rock Lanno!

You're a bit of a champion yourself for being so aware and focused on helping your GF get through this tough time.

I get the feeling from what you've said that your Girl's parents know that she is hay and they are doing everything they can to manipulate her into submission and to stay in the closet, including threatening violence on a third party!

Keep an eye out for yourself and sing out if anything gets to you as well. Sometimes we can be so focused on helping others that emotional exhaustion or even minor things creep up and smack US in the head!

Paul