Coming out

[SwansFan]

Hi guys,

Basically I've been struggling ever since I realised I was gay -- a couple years ago. At first all I could think of was that my life wasn't worth living, no one would accept me, I didn't want to be this way etc...My whole perception of myself underwent a radical transformation.

Thankfully, I'm in a much better place now. I've sought help from my GP and psych, and the meds I've been on have helped immensely. I went from having daily panic attacks to being able to now effectively control them, or at least keep them at bay. My friends and family (those who I've told) have been extremely supportive. For some reason I'm still so hesitant to open up to others, especially people I've known for many years. I feel that they have this idea of me in their head and that telling them would shatter that image of me. Kind of self-absorbed I know haha.

Most days I'm good. But I do feel every now and then inferior to a lot of my friends. (I just attended a wedding, and while I was so happy for the couple, I also felt incredibly sad, because I felt I'd never experience that feeling). Society's come a loooong way in recent years I know, but you still can't help but feel somewhat of an outsider. And the thing is, I've never been someone who's craved relationships or who's needed the intimacy or anything. I just fear that I'll never fully accept myself and won't allow myself to explore what, and who, is out there for me. I tend to take a very defeatist, dismissive stance regarding my own potential love life, because I feel I'd be be doing everyone a favour by being alone.

Anyway. Thanks for listening. Appreciate hearing from anyone. Take care 🙂

[white knight]

Hi Swansfan, a warm welcome here to Beyond Blue forum

You are certainly lacking confidence and understandbly so. What can we do about that?

Become a half cup full guy not half empty.  That wedding you attended, happy for the couple but realising you will never be in that position of marrying a woman because of what other people want and expect of you. Blahhh. Other people.....have their own wishes and dreams fulfilled and live THEIR lives how they please but judge others how they should live their lives. I cant stand judgemental people.

You suffer from lingering dreams of the ideal in a conventionally structured society. But we are not conventionally structured robots groomed to satisfy all other except ourselves. About time to drop this negativity Swansfan. And here is how you do it.

You reprogram a small part of you. Start deep thinking about who you are and who you want to be in 1 years time, 5,10,20 and 30 years time. Short, medium and long term goals.

Then you walk tall. Begin by accepting that you are an individual, you are you, there is nobody like you (unless a twin) and you will walk this land and love those that love you or are willing to go along your journey with you. Be brave. Do you hear me? BE BRAVE. Face those people that you want to face to tell them you are coming out, that you are gay and "no I'm not going to change back to that person everyone wants me to be...I AM GAY". Realise before you tell them that your lifestyle might be rejected. Then they are not on your journey and leave them behind...no matter who they are. If they love you then they will jump back on your train down the track.

You only have one life. Make sure you live it to your desire and fulfill your dreams.

Take care

[justinok]

Hey mate, you're a big part of the way there by having told close friends and family and having them react ok. I know what you mean by going to weddings and getting an inferiority complex, even the most tolerant still don't treat same-sex relationships as seriously as they would a straight one. I still remember how hurt I felt when my parents paid more attnetion to my brother's girlfriend of one month than they paid to my partner of three years. 

It's an unfortunate part of being in a minority that you will always have something of an "outsider" feeling, but it diminishes over time and becomes no more different than the outsider feeling of being from WA and living in Sydney, being left-handed, or liking the Swans in a roomful of Cats fans 😛 😛 😛

When it comes to your love life, explore what's  out there but all I'd say is be honest about where you're at in life. It's ok to be up front and say you haven't been out for long and aren't ready for a relationship, but want to meet people. That way, you lessen the chances of anyone getting hurt along the way. 

[SwansFan]

Thanks man! Yeah I think I stress out way too much about how to tell people. I end up usually doing so very nonchalantly (like, Wellll, turns out I'm a fan of the penis) but it rarely ever ends up going as well as I would have liked. That said, I told a few people at the wedding (individually of course, as I'm not comfortable group announcing) and each of them was so supportive and fine with it and it made me feel great.

As I said, most days I'm fine with it and accept myself for who I am, and then a day will come along every so often when I seem to question everything and suddenly lose all that confidence and sense of achievement. Still in the early stages though, so I guess I just have to keep plugging away and remind myself that's it not always gonna be smooth sailing. I need to love myself unconditionally.

[SwansFan]

Ugh, for some reason my first reply didn't go through to you, White Knight. Just wanted to thank you for your kind words. You're totally right that I need to remind myself of my dreams and go after them the best way I can. I'm a little lost at the moment and have allowed my sexuality to affect other areas of my life, like my career trajectory (I'm currently out of work, so that negative voice is pretty persistent at the moment). I just need to accept who I am and not allow my life to be dictated by the simple matter of who I'm attracted to. So what if my journey is "unconventional" or different to my friends', we're all on our own paths and, as you said, we only get one shot at this so why not learn to love ourselves for exactly who we are.

Cheers and take care! 🙂

[white knight]

No problems Swansfan and come on the swans for this Saturday

[Amelbourneboy]

When i first "come out" to anyone, i try to avoid that that whole question thing people do like " so are you married?" "whats your partners name?" I use to get so annoyed and angry that they had even tried asking me... like do they do ask these questions to everyone they meet or just the ones they think are gay?

Than i relised it was just people trying to be polite, not wanting to call tme "straight" when i wasnt or vice versa!! 

You seem like you have totally embraced who you are! and Your allowed to have self doubting days.... here is a secret... even hetrosexuals have them as well.

We are who we are 🙂

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

I agree, it kind of sucks going to a wedding and feeling that way. I even had a bit of that feeling at the end of Harry Potter where they all got straight married and had children, I was thinking as if that is the happy ending everyone wants for themselves, certainly no place for me there.  

Then I think about where I have felt like I absolutely have a place. One was at a party last year celebrating 40 years of a lesbian relationship. I feel honoured to have been there and to join in celebrating them. Everyone in that room had a story to tell about how both of them had enriched their lives. 

Rob.

[SwansFan]

Haha that's so weird, I'm re-reading the HP series now and have been thinking exactly that! (I also didn't like how J.K. Rowling announced after the fact that Dumbledore was gay...I dunno, felt gratuitous or something.)

Anyway, thanks for your comment. That celebration must've been very special. I'm gonna have to get a move on if I want to be one day celebrating 40 years with someone haha!

[Paul]

Hey SwansFan!

You mention some days it's easier than others to not feel inferior to others and to accept yourself for who you are. It's like that sometimes. Some days are crap, others aren't and hopefully the crap ones become less frequent. Bit like a baby learning to walk, a few steps (insert big cheer like the Swans just scored a Goal), then a few more steps fall on bum (Swans only got a behind - pardon the pun) more steps more falls. The steps become more and more and falling on the behind becomes less and less. It takes practice, patience and acceptance.

Who you are is awesome! To be able to come out to just a few and more importantly to be questioning "everything" means that you're a gentle and great person who is caring and doesn't want to hurt others or himself.

Keep taking the steps, enjoy falling on your bum every now and then because those moments help you understand you and also allow you to see others for who they really are good and bad.

Our self-talk is really important in shaping how we feel. What we say to ourselves can have a big impact on us. I wonder if at this time while getting to know yourself and accepting who you are, whether talking to yourself like you would someone you really love and care about. A dear friend, a family member who you are close to or a lover. For example a conversation with yourself might go like this;

"I'll never live a normal life".

If it were someone you were in love with you might say, "True, but I'll live an incredible life because I get to explore such diversity".

"Yeah but I feel so left out"

Remember you're talking to someone you are in love with - giving them comfort and advice, "Yes, at the moment I feel left out, but I'm breaking through the norms and knowing myself more than a lot of people get to. That's pretty damn awesome. I'm awesome"

Take baby steps (keep scoring the goals though!) and talk to yourself like you would someone you love so much.

Paul