Unable to share questions about gender

[tmas]

1. I have questioned my gender in some way for as long as I can remember, though it only occurred to me as maybe meaning something in my mid-late teens. It seems many of those around me believe only in male/female, gay/straight identities. They have no compassion towards those who choose to openly use labels and talk about 'those people' in a very patronising way. I have constant doubts in my mind as to whether what I think I'm experiencing exists at all - I only even have the language I do to express this because of extensive research I have done personally which usually quells my fears; I find internal acknowledgement is enough for me to get on more-or-less confidently, but as I grow close to people for the first time in my life this falls short.

2. I have a boyfriend. I fear that as long as straight (cisM/F) relationships are still on the cards (always will be, I'm bi) I don't feel I could ever voice these thoughts, particularly openly. I worry he wouldn't view me the same, and he seems of those who use labels like non-binary, or 'non-traditional' pronouns. Is this fear founded? Or at least shared by others? Knowing him, realistically I doubt he'd leave me for that reason, but the fear plays in my mind that he would view me differently and lose respect for me. Maybe I'm letting past experiences cloud my judgement.

3) Constant doubt that what I'm voicing here is real. I don't know anyone personally who relates to me. My main personal experiences with other LGBT+ people is limited to bi/gay women and they say they don't have these thoughts. I look feminine, I love makeup and nice clothes, I'm artistic. This creates a certain image and sometimes I enjoy this, sometimes I find it distressing. I have trouble with my body, but is that dysphoria or dysmorphia? I've heard of gender fluid identifying people and this resonates somehow. I all but shaved my hair off about a year ago which my mother shamed me for, and the look created conflict for me. I looked young due to small build which I didn't enjoy. Men avoided me which sometimes was upsetting, though I still snagged a boyfriend somehow - once I knew I was attracted to him I dialled up the femininity a little and it troubles me that I am being disingenuous, but pushing towards either end of the spectrum feel disingenuous, others' opinions constantly undermine my confidence.

Clarity is needed, from real people. I haven't said all I probably need to but it's what fits in the textbox.

Much appreciated x

[tmas]

Even the word ‘spectrum’ frustrates me, like there is a line and we fall as a dot on top of it. I need a word in another language maybe… they say a person can learn another language and take on an entirely new mindset. And that the nuances of a language for a native speaker can be seen in the very structures of the brain.

Honeslty, I was raised by someone who shouldn’t have been a parent. It’s harsh but true, and trauma works in funny ways and is inherited in the same way that I inherited my health or appearances. Honestly, failing a child is maybe my greatest fear, but what even is failure?

I can’t see myself as self server or self sacrificing. For many, especially children, what looks like self sacrifice is entirely in the service of self defence. Although maybe I’ve spent far too long analysing my own mind and upbringing… childhood is so infinitely nuanced and the past can never be decoded.

I have no idea how we got here… something about a gender crisis. I watched the movie Arrival last week and couldn’t help but marvel at it (not necessarily because of the thrilling plot or production but because of the theory behind it). The idea of a language removed from time blows my mind! Also, a tool and a weapon are the same thing, it just depends how you use it. Will the hammer be used to break, or to build? Will my language be constructive or will it be destructive?

When I say gender, I imagine a thought that internally resonates with an individual. My mother sees something sanctioned by society, and my grandmother sees something sanctioned by God. Some see themselves in the abstract void of the squiggles that make the word or pronoun, identifying with something that I don’t even feel exists. And maybe I just have too many words to ever fall asleep before midnight…

Best of luck in your queries 🙂

[therising]

Hi tmas

I can relate to what you say about words, that desire to replace certain ones. As you mention with 'spectrum', I can relate to the idea of measurement when it comes to this, the idea that there is a beginning and end and we are measured by where we appear to be on a spectrum, line of measurement. With measurement being a human concept, what if all measurement was taken out. We would simply be, without being measured in any way. There is a great freedom in that. As is said, language is formed out of a necessity to communicate concepts so as to have another relate to where we're coming from. We work with the primitive language and concepts we have until greater ones come along. There is an insane and depressing amount of measurement in this world. There you go, I'm measuring the level of measurement (rating it at insane levels). Can't help myself 🙂

Sometimes I resent how much power a single word can have, which is why I try to avoid certain words. While I would regard myself as a mind/body/spirit kind of gal, I try not to use the word 'spirit' or 'spiritual' unless it's absolutely necessary. Such words can trigger the wrong idea. 'Nature' or 'natural' are preferable. How do we tick naturally, putting psychology and medicine aside? What is our potential without the limited perspective and science behind such things? For example, why is great sensitivity generally regarded as a 'fault' through the opinions of such sciences yet seen as 'an ability' in nature? Is the heightened ability to sense or feel what or who's depressing really a problem? Should we really be ingesting a blood pressure med or should we be more closely examining who or what is creating incredible ongoing long term pressure/dis-ease to the point of disease? By the way, I'm not against certain medications, especially the ones that can be life savers, I simply wonder why there's not more exploration into what it is that generates certain dis-ease/disease. Do we lack the skills in naturally managing incredible unease in life?

The movie 'Arrival' conjures up so many feelings. I love how it's able to reflect the insane and egotistical nature of mankind and yet the incredible nature of what a trusting open minded connection can bring about. It was such a simplistic movie yet so profound at the same time.

Certain cultural languages are fascinating. When a word is created it is carefully done so, to promote feeling. The English language can be so cold, harsh, empty and unfeeling at times.