transgender girl... loneliness, depression and anxiety

[cuteclaudia]

hi.. I'm Claudia, a transgirl who lives in the central west of nsw...

Since coming out as trans I've lost my family, apart from regular abuse and ridicule by email, however I am married to a usually supportive partner, however I do understand it is really hard for her as she certainly didn't sign up for this.

For me, I first knew something was different when I was about 9 and by 13 I let my family know I wanted to be a girl... their reaction was to send me to an all boys school and ignore it... lets just say I've blanked that whole part of my life out... especially seeing my brother outed me as wanting to be a girl when I was in year 7, lets just say people weren't as tolerant as most are now so I hid from the world for a long time and have to admit to a lot of issues from that time.

Whilst over the past few months I've begun to feel a lot better about myself, the further I go in my transition, the more my partner reminds me I have no one in this world if I don't conform to what they want... which has made me feel very lonely and vulnerable as whilst people tell you they're supportive, not many people really accept you.

This has been backed up by my partner's mother, who whilst initially being supportive has become quite aggressive towards my transition. I am regular and purposely being gender as a guy and called my old name by her and her partner even though I no longer pass as a guy... this causes me a huge amount of hurt, embarrassment and anguish. I guess today was worst of it when I was told I was a self centred individual who needs to understand other people have feelings... I'm not sure how hard it is to gender and call a person by the name they want, especially when they know I get very bad depression, anxiety and panic attacks from this... and when verbally abused by people get suicidal thoughts (I don't have much confidence).... To me, if someone wanted to be called something else I would be more than happy to call them by the name they'd like if that made them happy.

I'm actually not sure why I'm posting as I don't have a question... but just want to feel someone might read this... as whilst I'm pretty good at putting on a smile most of the time seeing that is what the world expects, inside everything is falling apart and with xmas coming up, I wish I had someone who believed in and accepted me as I already hate myself enough without others making me feel worse.

❤️

[CrashCoyote]

Hi cuteclaudia,

I have absolutely no idea what you are going through but I am a father of five and it hurts me to think that you do not enjoy family support. I like to think that I would support my family, and especially my children, no matter what - and up until now I have and hope to keep doing so for the rest of my life.

Your change is one of the most dramatic that any individual can make in our society. Very few people can handle it and may well not. You cannot control their preconceived and inflexible attitudes. You may need to realise that is a battle you will not win. 

I think your partner is amazing for sticking by you through a change that she did not sign up for. She must be copping some collateral damage from the attacks on you. I do not share her view that you will have no-one if you do not conform. In the first place, it isn't as though you have a choice about your trans gender change, in the second place, many famous and/or respected figures in history started out being ridiculed for their beliefs. You are in a country town and they are not known for their acceptance of change in most forms (I'm from Sydney). In places like Newtown and Paddington in Sydney you'd just be another local.

I think you need to accept that your huge changes to who you are will result in huge changes in your life, generally. People who liked the old you may not like the new you and people that you never thought would like you may wind up your best friends.

Please keep posting, you will find support on this site. You may get some of the other trans gender people replying to you, or even some of the gay and lesbians, they face a lot of the prejudices you do. I admire your strength and wish you a happy life. If you post back, I will always respond.

Kind regards. John.

[geoff]

dear Claudia, welcome to this site and thanks for wanting to post a comment about your situation.

There can never really be any doubt for someone to believe that they were born as the wrong sex, meaning that lets say a male believing that they should have been a female, and I'm sure that this happens on many ocassions, and even involves males wanting to dress up as a female, and yes it's not only Dame Edina who does this in her/his comedy acts but in real life.

Non one can deny a person from wanting to do this, although it may happen to young children where they are controlled and scrutinised by the parents, which only makes the kids want to do it more often.

So to be denied this freedom will cause a great deal of pain, frustration and eventually depression and if either of my two sons came home and told me that their circumstances in life have changed and now want to become a female, I would have no reason to reject them and honour their choice, because when it's time for me to pass away then they would have to handle the world by themself, so they now have to build up confidence, sure they will have the knockers and those that make fun of their decision, but doesn't that already happen for those that are at the lower end of the pecking order.

A lot of the time people with depression are picked on and criticised, and told to 'get over it', but these people have no experience of what this beast can do to us, and the same applies to trans gender, bi, gay and lesbians, but it's part of our society and has been for such a long time.

I don't know whether this has been helpful or not, but please continue to post. Geoff.

[644Amy]

hi Claudia

hope you are well.

Im also a new trans girl i came out 6mths ago and i am not as lucky as you as my partner wanted nothing to do with my transition.but we are still talking so its not all bad.My mother in law and the rest of the family wont even talk to me so i think people deal with the transition in different ways, some get angry, some block you out and some are just mean.

I am a positive person normally but it is very hard to not feel alone and have these thoughts, but that is why we are here on this site.

feel free to contact me if you need an ear.i live in sydney suburbs.

Amy.xx

[Joe_Black]

Hello Claudia,

I joined this community just so I could post a reply here. I don't normally take part in such forums, but I will lend my support to you now.

I completely understand what you are feeling - I am transgender too, however I have slowly come to realise my journey will be far too painful if I were to become female. I have a wife and two beautiful kids. They mean too much to me to risk losing that in any way. I have gently 'introduced' the topic of trans folk and I have been laughed-at, so I have a pretty good idea what would happen if I 'came out'.

Kudos to you for doing the hardest thing I could not do!! You have a strength within you I cannot seem to find. Use that strength to fight off the negative people of this world and live the life you desperately wish for - please!

Please respond if you like - we'd love to know how you're going.

J

[cuteclaudia]

Hi Amy

I'm probably at a pretty similar place... I've just hit 7 months on hrt today which is sort of exciting to me... seeing I can't hide certain assets I have (big smile) I've started telling people around town and my clients as I work for myself... its funny... clients are great... family find it much hard to deal with... though have to admit I'm moving to a bigger town soon as i'd say certain types of guys in a small town might see a 5'5" transgirl as a punching bag. I still wish I lived in newtown where I grew up... though for me I try to just fit in and hope that people don't pick me... though pretty hard after 2 hours of electro.. who in their right mind would go through this! 🙂

I really feel for you that your partner hasn't supported you... I hope your family is supporting you at least... for me, family have pretty well disowned me... I guess i'm an embarrassment... people as you'd know don't seem to realise being trans is completely different to being a drag queen.

Personally I have to admit my mental state is pretty up and down, the first time we were call girls in a shop my wife freaked out... then when we got

abused for being a lesbian couple with children that really hurt... so this is where I often lose the support of my partner and my only friend... I've found it really hard to make friends as i'm usually uncomfortable around guys and girls out here think you always want more than just friends.

And for inlaws... one really bad and the other sometimes ok, other times really really horrible... I guess the thing i'm discovering whilst people say they support you, some find it extremely difficult to face realities like changes of name and well... changes to your

body.

I guess the thing I really fear is loneliness... I sometimes feel being trans is the loneliness thing in the world you could do... but in other ways it makes you feel so much better...

I really hope I haven't strayed from the subject and not written too much.

Claudia ❤️

[644Amy]

Hi Joeblack

i used to feel the same way as you, i didnt want to loose my family.but trying to ignore my inner person made me so unhappy inside that when i turned 41 i had to do something about it.And when i did let it out there was this whole new person inside of me that likes to do different things than my male self.a new person emerged,anew person but with the same values,a happy person.yes i have lost a great deal but in the end after a lot of pain my family still love me and i will get to be Amy.

[644Amy]

Hi Claudia

that last line is the most important.

BEING A GIRL FEELS SO MUCH BETTER.

It can be a very lonely journey and very emotional coming to terms with your new mind and body.I wa slucky enough to meet some friends on a transgender group on facebook and we got together and we are friends now, it realy helps talking to people who have been there.

As for support my brother sisters and mum support me totally but my wifes family wont talk to me or any of our family friends,they all sided with my wife.not that there is sides as my wife and i are now friends and can talk about most things.

Your lucky your 5,5 you can fit in, im 6,4 so i will always stand out no matter how female i look.But that is just another hurdle for me to deal with.

As dory says when your down just keep swimming swimming swimming.

Regards Amy