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thinking about my younger years...is the grass greener on the other side???

Petotje
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi All,

A little story first...20 years ago I fell in love with a woman, my first love, my soul mate but the family disagreed and I cut myself loose from my then lesbian friends because according to my grandma that was just a foolish teenage act?! We always kept in touch - she was my everything. Anyway, she met a nice girl, married her. I met a nice boy, married him. Everything was going great until we decided moving to Australia. Her marriage ended and in 2009 disaster happened, she committed suicide. My world ended that day. The first year was horrible. It was there and then that something broke in my marriage. I'm gently trying to crawl out of the closet. My husband and I are still together but it doesn't feel like we're a couple. We're more friends. and yet I'm so afraid to open my mouth and say it's over. I'm with every vain in my body a lesbian. Scared of his reaction... 

I know if I want something to happen I need to act... I think I played every scenario in my head and still...What do I do? We have an apartment, a good savings account, he arranges everything tho - don't know anything about our banking accounts.

The only thing I want is stay friends, don't have the courage to fight...

 

1 Reply 1

justinok
Community Member

Hey Petotje, there's a lot going on for you there. Losing your first love like that has brought everything back to the surface, and I guess reminded you about where your attraction really lies. I get so angry when I read about families interfering like this.

Before you start to think about what to do with your marriage, I reckon you need to look at the grief you're still carrying about losing your first love. Is there anyone in your life that you're able to be honest with about this? Does your husband know you were ever with this woman?