Support and forgiveness

[Just Sara]

After reading Chris B's post on using BB sexuality and gender resource suggestions instead of using this subsection of the forum to post, I tried the different sites without success. One of them came up as a 'risk of internet threat'. So I Googled and found a sexuality test from the US and filled it out. My score for homosexuality really surprised me. I guess deep down I've known, but scary experiences have distanced me from my truth.

So I'm back here to write my thoughts hoping for some support.

I recently got onto a same sex dating site and added my profile. It took a lot of courage to do, but has sent me into a bit of a spin since contacting someone in my own town to talk with. They haven't replied and my confidence has taken a nose dive.

This is such a daunting task and has triggered depressive thoughts and feelings.

The other thing of concern, is someone on this site who was a huge source of support and advice in the past, doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. Their wisdom and beautiful words bought me through some awful times, and was an inspiration in helping me come out of my sexuality shell. I'd love for them to post here; they don't have to identify themselves as this person, but reconnecting with me would help enormously. I don't know what I wrote to deter them, but I'd like forgiveness if this is possible. Losing contact was like the loss of a dear friend.

I just want to be happy and find love and companionship. This is a deeply emotional time; I don't have anyone to talk with about it and fear a relapse of symptoms may occur.

I've become dependent on all the wonderful people in this community and this scares me too. Not having face to face conversation about the real me is wearing me down.

Dizzy x

[Paul]

Hi Dizzy,

I'm so sorry I upset you, that was definitely not my intention.

I asked the question because you had asked the question in your post. I was doing the mirror thing again. I understand now that my question was a bit personal and also may have hit sore spots and triggers of past experiences. Thank you for letting me know that what I said and how I said it was upsetting. I admire that you spoke up as it's part of letting out old emotions and connecting with new ones and communicating boundaries.

Chat soon xx

Paul

[Just Sara]

Dear Paul;

I am extremely grateful for your sensitive and humble reply. It's a load off my mind...truly.

What I wrote was very difficult. Speaking up for myself in the past has led to some hot water situations. But change is a must for me. You're right about boundaries and expressing them. It was a lesson I needed to have in this regard. I'm learning tact and appropriate considerations.

So, with that over with, I've had a break-through of sorts. Last night, or should I say early hrs of this morning I felt broken and exhausted. I put my head in my hands and said; "I've had enough! I want my life back and don't care what others say. Self determination, realisation and control. I can love anyone I want damn it!"

It was a slap in the face I needed. All this stuff about gender, identifying with/as, male/female is a headache! It took the joy right out of the love I have to give and my willingness to receive. My ex is a bastard!! He screwed with my precious mind and heart and needs a good kick up the arse. I'm too bloody old to worry about political correctness or gossip from either side of the coin. Sex for me begins with being attracted to someone's soul, their mind and then their body. I have so much love bursting to come out, and the longer I procrastinate with lame excuses, the longer it's going to take to find Mr/Ms right.

You know, I've seen such ugliness from beautiful women, and been sexually aroused by an obese man because he made me feel beautiful. Seeing that 'look' on their face, the smell of pheromones while I give...and give. The pleasure I feel to see that look can't be compared. I really miss that! I miss kissing and hugging in front of the TV and holding hands. I don't care if they're male of female, straight or gay, or love dressing up in their mother's clothes on the sligh' while they tuck things in between their legs. I'll love who I want to love!!!!!! And hopefully I'm loved back. But if I'm not, I'll continue to love me.

Much appreciation to all who've posted...Dizzy x

[White_Rose]

Listen to the sound of loud cheers from the gallery. Ra, ra, ra.

Dizzy I am so proud of you. You are one fabulous lady. Sending you my love.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Thankyou dear Mary...accepted with bells on! xx

[Paul]

I'm with Mary in the gallery - cheering!

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy,

You've achieved do much in the last few weeks. This break through is a sign of the most difficult step having been taken.

I bet you are able to go to that mirror now and say "I am ..." (bi/gay/whatever label you prefer) I think you're going to be surprised.

Coming out to yourself is the most difficult bit.

I'd love to hear how you feel about the mirror test.

Paul xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hey Paul;

Thanks for the cheering and congrat's. Yes...it was a momentous time and a little too stimulating to sleep properly afterwards.

Today I've had a feeling in my chest/heart that won't go away. I'd like to think it's a positive thing, but knowing my body's ability to tell me when I detach, it may be this issue has bought up something to let go of.

Time will tell.

Standing in front of my mirror today, I said; "I...am...a...bi...sexual...woman" I think maybe that's when the pain in my chest may have begun. Expectations come to mind. Each syllable I spoke was tough. Actually, hmm...detachment. I'm thinking how I didn't really react much after.

There's a battle going on inside, it's apparent, and not as difficult to identify or cope with as before. So this is positive. My chest is humming and am getting some vibrations in my arms as I type. Anxiety hasn't raised its head for a while, and I'm not surprised it's here now. I'll give myself permission to feel and accept what comes forward.

I've got an appt with my sex therapist tomorrow arvo near Sydney. I'm booked at the Sebal for a night of self indulgence. It'll give me some space to relax and recharge. Will post here to say how it went.

Coming out in stages...Dizzy xo

[Paul]

Dizzy - You're amazing.

Tasking it easy for a while sounds like a good idea. You've done a lot of work to get to where you are now, that buzzing is probably a little reminder to take a breath now because the next part of the mirror challenge will be to say "And it's completely fine"!

Take care

paul

[Gruffudd]

Hi Dizzy,

Just popping by to say, I'm proud of you. You have been taking this journey on your terms and in your time. Hope you have a lovely time at the Siebel.

Rob.

[Just Sara]

Hi Rob and Paul;

Thankyou both for keeping contact on this thread. It's important to me to know there's people here to listen and help with info and experience.

The mirror thing...it's not so much my image or self belief. It's feeling like a virgin all over again. Even though I've been with a woman, it was a long time ago and with someone I'd known since I was in high school. There was an element of trust and also feeling in control. By this I mean I was the one who made the first move. That didn't work out so great and this probably put me off. I feel a little 'green'. It's also about making contact with same sex people. Where, what, how...argh!

My sex therapist was great! What an amazing man. He bought up 'being allowed to reject' as well as having the right to say yes; very thought provoking. I've been immersed in the world of men for so long; thinking if I rejected them it was all over. Stupid thought yes, but reality for a victim of abuse.

While at the Sebel, I sat in my room with a bottle of champagne and raised a full glass to the sky and said; "Here's to my life; MY life" Mind and body together, intact and willing to let go of the fear that's been my constant companion for so long; full control of who I've become.

Paul, I know you've made an effort to get me to 'say' what I am and be happy with it; my label. But I've heard many gay people say; "Straight people don't go around saying they're straight, why should we disclose our sexuality?" I don't feel my sexuality is as important as how I feel when I'm around someone; male or female. I can't give myself different memories or say abuse doesn't have any baring on my choice of partner, because it does and will for ever. Feeling normal and safe will always be paramount.

Being happy and healthy in my skin is what matters most. Learning about boundaries and trust within my beautiful bubble was the impetus to putting me first. Looking in the mirror and saying; "I love and respect myself, and want to be the best I can be" is what I want to say.

My physical image is what I want to work on. Getting out of my head and back to reality and my community are my goals.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy xo