Support and forgiveness

[Just Sara]

After reading Chris B's post on using BB sexuality and gender resource suggestions instead of using this subsection of the forum to post, I tried the different sites without success. One of them came up as a 'risk of internet threat'. So I Googled and found a sexuality test from the US and filled it out. My score for homosexuality really surprised me. I guess deep down I've known, but scary experiences have distanced me from my truth.

So I'm back here to write my thoughts hoping for some support.

I recently got onto a same sex dating site and added my profile. It took a lot of courage to do, but has sent me into a bit of a spin since contacting someone in my own town to talk with. They haven't replied and my confidence has taken a nose dive.

This is such a daunting task and has triggered depressive thoughts and feelings.

The other thing of concern, is someone on this site who was a huge source of support and advice in the past, doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. Their wisdom and beautiful words bought me through some awful times, and was an inspiration in helping me come out of my sexuality shell. I'd love for them to post here; they don't have to identify themselves as this person, but reconnecting with me would help enormously. I don't know what I wrote to deter them, but I'd like forgiveness if this is possible. Losing contact was like the loss of a dear friend.

I just want to be happy and find love and companionship. This is a deeply emotional time; I don't have anyone to talk with about it and fear a relapse of symptoms may occur.

I've become dependent on all the wonderful people in this community and this scares me too. Not having face to face conversation about the real me is wearing me down.

Dizzy x

[Just Sara]

As always Paul, your insight and wisdom hits with deep impact. I always said a well timed and thought provoking question is worth more than hrs of conversation.

No, I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror. But I do want to explore this concept while using happy memories when I felt unafraid and 'real'.

My first recollection of being attracted to a female was at age 11. I've loved women, those who didn't love me back. I've slept with a woman because the love I felt for her I transferred into physical advances and she reciprocated. As I've said before, a few days later she and her drunken friend tried to force me into having a threesome. This hurt me deeply. I've been physically tempted by women who've made advances towards me, though not having emotional ties and being afraid to act on my arousal, stood in the way. I was attracted to someone who I never thought I would; tall and matronly who by chance I danced with. I went to a lesbian night club, then went back to the motel and cried for hrs.

The other morning I allowed myself to fantasise about being with a woman. It was the impetus for the peaceful feelings I had the day I spoke with my dr. I want to be able to express the beautiful feelings I have towards women without guilt or shame. I don't want one night stands; I'd prefer an emotional connection as well as physical. Is this wrong?

Mary's interpretation has some merit. Not in respect to one vs the other, but in the roles I've had to play as mother, wife, daughter etc. I'm apt at changing a tyre or darning socks. I want a shed full of tools, as well as a sewing room. These are the gender issues. I'm comfortable with both at different times. That's all. The major variable was having my son. I had to compensate for his missing father.

Heterosexual men to be honest, make me sick and very afraid. But fear has been my normal.

It's very late and to be honest, I've had some disturbing thoughts. It's not unexpected, but is very unpleasant to get through. Rob was right...so many conversations.

Dizzy x

[blondguy]

Excuse I Dizzy....there are too many Pauls on here....since I am on here....my kindest wishes and thoughts for you and the other (legend) Paul too 🙂 I might....just...fade...away...slowly....now 🙂

Paulx

[white knight]

Hi dizzy, wonderful dizzy

I've read all the posts here, such love pouring out for you. No wonder with your openness and honesty.

I simply want you to find you that unique being that no one else can be. Please google ...YouTube maharaji the perfect instrument

That's you!

As for fear of heterosexual males, I worked in jails and saw/was involved in violence. I'm 130kg ex weightlifting juggernaut. But I've never hit a woman and furthermore if I had a conflict with another male I'd hug him even if he punched me. Why?

Because I'm Tony and that's what Tony does. I've found me. I'm still unwell, I'm struggling too, but I'm me and its profound. Finding me is my greatest achievement. Tony is a heterosexual and you have nothing to fear.

Anyway I'm rambling because this topic is not in my area of knowledge. I just want to reach out like the others here. You are so worth it.

Tony WK​

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy,

Nice to chat again 🙂

Two things really struck me with your reply and they are that you had to be both motherly and fatherly. As any loving single mum would. I understand from what you wrote that you feel that your gender identity is tied to gender roles. That's not really the case. I'll use first people examples.

I do male things, ride a motorbike, change tyres, tune a car​, turn a piece of wood into something nice etc

I do female things. I've been sewing since I was 6 and cooking since I was 7.

It's not because I'm gay or identify as another gender it's just me.

My sister has her motorbike license, can round up cattle (she can't sew!)

My Brother has his bike license, cooks for his family and can knit and sew a little bit.

My point here is these roles exist because of historical societal pressure and remnants of times past. They don't tell very much at all about a person except that "Paul likes to sew". "Dizzy can change a tyre" etc. What someone extrapolates from the things we do is really none of our business! Let them keep it.

You asked if wanting a connection with a woman before being sexually intimate is wrong. Perhaps that's a question for you to answer for me - Is it wrong to want a connection before being intimate with a woman, Dizzy?

How about the other way around?

Your fantasy about being with a woman and the peaceful feelings that followed that you mentioned. What does that feeling of peace mean to you?

Lastly (this is more than two points that I am making - oops) Do you have contact with your son?

Paul xx

[Just Sara]

Hey Tony WK;

What beautiful words...just lovely. The wonderful things you wrote about me warmed my heart and gave me value. I understand now about having courage to write my story and share, and how this gives to others inadvertently. It was another thread that triggered this issue to rise up inside me. How grateful I am his courage was there for me.

It was 3am when I posted and saying all straight men made me sick was expressing who'd been in my life and what I went through. It's hard to explain, but meeting men for the 1st time, there's always questions about my safety. The faceless men who project an image of charm etc are the most dangerous in my experience. That's not to say 'all' charming men are like this.

Your post was wonderful to read; your words had a positive affect indeed. Thankyou..x

Paul BG; thanks for popping in and letting me know you care...x

[Just Sara]

Oh my dear Paul!

Thought provoking, insightful and straight as an arrow! (no pun intended) As usual your words cut through the mud!

Over the past few days, I've gone through a plethora of emotions. At present, I'm in a place of peace again due to the amazing response on this thread. But it's also due to me being honest with myself and putting suggestions and questions to the test. I'm copying these posts to have at home. A free psych service at my fingertips...ha ha.

You mentioned speaking with your psych about the reason you're gay, and how it didn't matter as long as you lived a full life. Wow! How helpful was that?! Immeasurable...it answered so many questions and gave such relief...xo Sometimes the 'why's' cause so much distress and confusion. You're right...I'm just me. I have so many skills because I've had to. I have a huge resource to draw from and this gives me an advantage. I stood in front of my mirror and said; "My name is....and I'm amazing"

Your self talk suggestion; "Try saying I'd like to...instead of I need to" made sense. Caught myself this morning! It works! Takes a load off and gives me empowerment.

As far as gender roles go, it's the exhaustion that's now set in. So many years of being everything is enough! I'm ready to share my life and it's responsibilities; I have been for a while now.

Your words; "You asked if wanting a connection with a woman before being sexually intimate is wrong. Perhaps that's a question for you to answer for me - Is it wrong to want a connection before being intimate with a woman, Dizzy? How about the other way around?"

This ripped through me like a knife...felt it on so many levels. "Sexual Triggers" Gut wrenching fear and emotional overload. This so reminds me of him.

Would like to leave it here if that's ok...Dizzy x

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

I do agree with Paul, what we like to do is not directly related to our gender. Unlike Paul my sense of gender shifts around, but what I am doing doesn't. I know plenty of practical and strong women. When you talk about that stuff it reminds me of a violent ex who used to put me down as not as strong or capable - which of course was nonsense. The thing with that though is I have had to be quite conscious in challenging the words of his that have sunk in - they are his words not mine, and he can...

If you ask, the vast majority LGBTI people if they would want to be straight, they say no. Sure we could do without some of the nonsense, but no. There is a whole new world of possibilities, people, amazing people who you might not otherwise meet, and when you are really you - you are amazing too.

I noticed that you were worried we might not accept you as real. I have heard those unkind words over the years sometimes, but you know we all have that time of discovery and perhaps if we are younger it is forgotten somewhat. Even then, I think my sense of sexuality has changed over time and will continue to - I see it from a different angle.

Rob.

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy,

Leaving a question unanswered is completely OK. Step by step and bite sized pieces.

Just remember, our unconscious mind is like a 4 year old. Soaks up everything, can deal with things piece by piece but ask it to do too much and it closes up.

This is one of those things that when someone says "be kind to yourself" really means "your emotional needs matter, and so does emotional exhaustion, take it bit by bit". Know that exploring emotions and memories is safe because they are ONLY emotions and memories, they cannot physically hurt you because you've made room and given yourself permission to discover. You've given your unconscious mind permission to ease up on protecting you so you can see those emotions.

Paul xx

[Just Sara]

Your post gave relief Rob; especially the last paragraph.

Being judged for something I don't yet fully understand can be a worry. Thanks for the support.

Your experience and remnants from your ex is unfortunate, but speaks loudly of the insecurities of many who force others to kneel to feel a sense of 'big'. I know this too well. The more subtle things are, the harder it is to recognise or deal with. Over time though, those small rumblings become louder and easier to see.

I'm trying to learn to listen to my 'gut'. When I look back and realise those internal feelings were there attempting to alert me to the subtleties of emotional abuse, I understand. Hindsight eh?

As for gender/activities; I sort of get it now. I've become apt at many diverse tasks and this isn't the issue. It's having to do everything alone. I've nearly forgotten how it feels to share responsibilities. My mum came to live with me for a while 11 yrs ago (big mistake!) In the beginning it was nice though to arrive from work to a hot meal, clean house, and my son bathed and ready for bed.

I tend to get on well with men in the beginning due to lots of contact with my pseudo brothers (young uncles) who gave me a love of tom-boy activities and communication. A confident woman with male know-how is attractive in the beginning, but competitive nature steps in.

With very dominant and masculine lesbian friends, I also felt uneasy around after a while. I knew 2 partners who were charged with child abuse and neglect. Although they projected a certain image at work, at home they were totally different...scary. Control and power are subjects for today.

The clouds are slowly starting to clear. I'm trying to step back a little to breathe. Time isn't a huge issue.

Thanks again...Dizzy x

[Just Sara]

Hello Paul;

I realise my post yesterday may have seemed at the close, as though I was very distressed; I apologise for this. I got through it ok and am here again today to continue with all my valued supporters.

When I first saw your profile pic, I raised my eyes at how much you reminded me of my ex. This, along with the questions you put to me sent shock waves through my entire body; it was extremely painful.

To be pedantic, it was the formulation of this sentence; "Is it wrong to want a connection before being intimate with a woman, Dizzy?" ("...and vice-versa") I don't think I would've reacted the way I did if you'd left out the comma before my name, or not mentioned my name altogether. It 'felt' as though you were implying the woman was me.

I always wondered if my ex was gay or just damaged. (or both) The trials he put me through without even mentioning sex, left me with such heartache and loss, it nearly ended me. I swore I'd never put myself through that again. I've experienced many trauma's throughout my life, but this emotional roller coaster I let myself be apart of, was just as bad as being physically raped.

I was and am confused by what you asked of me considering you're out and proud. If it was only to make a point about being attracted to the 'other' gender, I get it. But I'm respectfully asking when you hypothesise, could you please not use you and I or anyone on this site as sample subjects when it comes to attraction or intimacy? It's a very personal and vulnerable issue for me.

Distance and anonymity, along with feeling safe are important aspects of discovering my truth on this thread. I'm sorry if this is confronting for you, but it's important I grow and express my emotional needs with courage and clarity. This is what was missing from the relationship with my ex.

I so value your amazing input and knowledge. It was just a little too close to home Paul, ok?

Kind thoughts and respect...Dizzy x