Support and forgiveness

[Just Sara]

After reading Chris B's post on using BB sexuality and gender resource suggestions instead of using this subsection of the forum to post, I tried the different sites without success. One of them came up as a 'risk of internet threat'. So I Googled and found a sexuality test from the US and filled it out. My score for homosexuality really surprised me. I guess deep down I've known, but scary experiences have distanced me from my truth.

So I'm back here to write my thoughts hoping for some support.

I recently got onto a same sex dating site and added my profile. It took a lot of courage to do, but has sent me into a bit of a spin since contacting someone in my own town to talk with. They haven't replied and my confidence has taken a nose dive.

This is such a daunting task and has triggered depressive thoughts and feelings.

The other thing of concern, is someone on this site who was a huge source of support and advice in the past, doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. Their wisdom and beautiful words bought me through some awful times, and was an inspiration in helping me come out of my sexuality shell. I'd love for them to post here; they don't have to identify themselves as this person, but reconnecting with me would help enormously. I don't know what I wrote to deter them, but I'd like forgiveness if this is possible. Losing contact was like the loss of a dear friend.

I just want to be happy and find love and companionship. This is a deeply emotional time; I don't have anyone to talk with about it and fear a relapse of symptoms may occur.

I've become dependent on all the wonderful people in this community and this scares me too. Not having face to face conversation about the real me is wearing me down.

Dizzy x

[Just Sara]

Hi Mary;

It's nice to have people such as yourself in my corner. I've left a msg for you on my other thread also.

Your words are kind and respectful, and most of all open and honest. This pleases me so...truly.

No I don't live in Qld...NSW Regional. The number Marcus gave me is a national number and can only be accessed from 5pm to 10pm. It's run by volunteers.

This issue is new for me Mary. I'm taking it day by day and step by step. Getting to know 'me'. As Rob says; the stages of 'coming out'.

Thankyou again...will talk soon...Dizzy x

[Gruffudd]

Hi Dizzy,

I tend to agree with Marcus on keeping those people who have been there in your life.

It reminds me of a story that I heard in a lecture quite a few years ago. This journey of coming out is a little like crossing a desert. There is no map, no road, no signposts. You just know you need to find a way across. It is easier to travel with people who have gone that way before (you are welcome to check in here and ask questions too), when you take this journey you leave most of the old life behind but there is room for some special treasures (which includes the people who connect you to who you have been), and after when you emerge from the desert, well, there will be no stopping you.

I think that LGBTI people have a bit of a shared experience in this, even though each of us has our own journey. It is ultimately a gift because we know ourselves better then we might have otherwise.

So in finding your way. I do recommend getting a hobby or finding a group of people somewhere near you. there is a meet up app and website where you can meet up with people with shared interests and do stuff like knitting or reading or walking. (I am part of a group of gay people who occasionally go and climb a mountain or two - from before the internet, the add was in a community newspaper)

Rob.

[Just Sara]

Thanks Marcus and Rob;

I think there's been confusion in interpreting the term 'reconnecting'. When I talk about not wanting to connect to the past, I'm talking about dealing with trauma. People in my past are still the same as they've been. I'm changing, and with this comes new ways of thinking. I'm not taking myself out of the community to complete isolation. I'm having a breather; a sabbatical. Friends come and go, this happens because of change. Finding new friends isn't so much about my sexual identity, it's more about my mental health.

This is a very important step for me. I need to take into consideration the affects of PTSD and my daily battle with letting go of the past. The reason I'm coming out on BB first is due to having contact with people who understand mental health issues first, then sexual identity.

I told my GP yesterday and we spoke for 45 minutes. She was supportive and helpful. One thing we talked about was; if my decision was influenced by rape and other major trauma's with men. Of course it is, but this is part of my recovery and that's why I need to take things slow.

I have an appt with my psych soon to discuss this further. I have to take into consideration my deep beliefs about power struggles as well as sexuality. A same sex relationship doesn't mean I'm not opening myself up to abuse. I've turned my profile off of the dating site for now. It's best to settle first. I'm grateful for your advice Marcus in being up front about my situation with dating. This was really helpful.

Dizzy x

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Dizzy,

It's good you are talking to the GP and the psyc. Working through the trauma will hopefully get it to sit in a better place. I find it interesting that you talk about sexuality as a decision, there are loads of decisions around it, but I've always found that I don't control who I find attractive, I do have control over what I do with that.

Rob.

[Just Sara]

Rob, you've bought up a very important issue for me; decisions. I've been denying the fact I'm attracted to women because it didn't 'fit' my gender or role description. I suppose my main concern is feeling normal, and not judging myself as being right or wrong.

I need to discover if my attraction to men is the result of trauma. I say this because one of the main points I assess when meeting a man is whether he's an abuser or can protect me from abusers. I spoke with Paul about this a few months ago. I said; "only a man can defend me against another man" This is where the trauma comes into play; that was my normal.

I've been doing things alone for decades. I've been both sexes in a way...mum and dad, home care and working, lawns, car, sewing, washing etc. It's all been on my plate without the support I deserved.

My ex husband died 2 weeks ago. He left me while I was pregnant and refused to be a dad. My son only contacted him 4 yrs ago and now I'm left yet again to pick up the pieces and take his place once more. My little (2 yr old) boy was sexually abused by a dear friend who I caught in the act. His dad wasn't there to defend him. I've lived with that for 25 yrs including the 5 yrs it took for my son and I to begin healing. Everything was about my little boy.

Some of my PTSD was caused through getting up to my son late every night for 3 yrs when he experienced night terrors. No-one can comprehend what that did to me. It took me 12 yrs to find the courage to have a relationship, and this was with a man I wanted to be a father figure for my son. He ended up being my abuser.

Rob, it's complicated. I want to be happy and safe, but my mental health has made things so confusing. It's going to be a long road, but I'm up to it. One step at a time.

Dizzy x

[Gruffudd]

I hear a few conversations in there.

One of those things my grandmother taught me is that the person you can and should rely on to protect and nurture is yourself. Other people are responsible for themselves. We are an independent lot really, but that came from her experience of a man who wanted to control and deceive. There is an exception, children need to be able to rely on their parents for those years, and it sounds like you have done your best as a mum in some of the most difficult of circumstances.

Whoever you are underneath that front that we all put on for the world - is good and amazing. I identify that as my inner child, because he has always been there with me.

So getting the help with the mental health helped me, as that became less of a focus the other things in life made more sense.

Rob.

[Just Sara]

Dear Rob;

I can't tell you how amazing your words were to read. They were comforting and wise. I must admit, I was a bit worried about how you and others would take me; I've heard gay friends of mine over the years talk about people who can't make up their minds, as being pretenders and not real.

Your grandmother was so right. I'm learning to protect and nurture myself, but first have to undo the old. It's layers to peel away and expose the real me. That's why this issue has raised it's head. I'm ready to face the truth.

And yes, there are many conversations I need to have. After coming out to my GP, I'm seeing my psych, and have made an appt with a sex therapist on Tues. Each have a different role in my recovery and helping me to discover how to relate to men and women without fear.

After talking with my GP, I walked away with such peace and calm. I haven't felt that in I don't know how long. But it tells me I'm on the right path.

Thanks again for your wisdom...Dizzy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Dizzy

I am so pleased to read your last couple of posts. Not pleased about the abuse of course, but that you are now starting your journey towards health and peace of mind. I hear all the positives in your life and also the sadness and disappointment. Nurturing yourself sounds easy and obvious but we are not taught to do this. We're always taught to care for others and let other have precedence. Women of course are taught this from the cradle, which makes life hard when women are the people who need nurturing.

Now that you have got to this stage I hope will have the strength to get through it all. Without wishing to be rude or uncaring, I think you need to sort out your past traumas before finally deciding on your gender orientation. I know it's a big part of your life and will need to be determined eventually but I think you have already decided on your priorities. You know, without me having to say it, that you have the full support and love of the family here. You know someone will always be here to talk to you.

Mary

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy,

I hope you are making progress and being kind to yourself. It's great you're feeling comfortable enough to chat with us about some things that seem pretty upsetting for you. You've got more strength than you realise!

One of my interests is language analysis which can sometimes tell how someone is feeling towards themselves. I think Rob hit the nail on the head but please allow me to point out how we get this feeling.

Just one example:

"I need to discover if my attraction to men is the result of trauma"

I wonder if it would be easier for you to change that thought and self talk to "I'd like to discover..."

You see, in just the phrasing of how we talk to ourselves it can mean a HUGE challenge or, as you later mention a step by step journey.

Gentle self-talk, gentle steps, and your unconscious mind will feel more comfortable being involved and less protective.

Hope this helps.

What have you said in front of the mirror, have you been able to?

Something I asked my psychiatrist. "Am I gay because my father left me when I was 4" He replied; We will probably never know because the answer is different for everyone, but the fact is that you are gay the reason why doesn't have an answer, the question is how do you live your life to the fullest.

I thought it was a cop-out until I really thought about it.

Take care Dizzy

Paul

[Paul]

Hi Mary, I hope you are staying well!

I think dizzy's feelings are about sexual orientation instead of gender identity - please correct me if I am wrong Dizzy.

Dizzy how long have you had feelings of attraction to women whether you suppressed them or ignored them or wished they would stop, what age do you recall?

Paul