Support and forgiveness

[Just Sara]

After reading Chris B's post on using BB sexuality and gender resource suggestions instead of using this subsection of the forum to post, I tried the different sites without success. One of them came up as a 'risk of internet threat'. So I Googled and found a sexuality test from the US and filled it out. My score for homosexuality really surprised me. I guess deep down I've known, but scary experiences have distanced me from my truth.

So I'm back here to write my thoughts hoping for some support.

I recently got onto a same sex dating site and added my profile. It took a lot of courage to do, but has sent me into a bit of a spin since contacting someone in my own town to talk with. They haven't replied and my confidence has taken a nose dive.

This is such a daunting task and has triggered depressive thoughts and feelings.

The other thing of concern, is someone on this site who was a huge source of support and advice in the past, doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. Their wisdom and beautiful words bought me through some awful times, and was an inspiration in helping me come out of my sexuality shell. I'd love for them to post here; they don't have to identify themselves as this person, but reconnecting with me would help enormously. I don't know what I wrote to deter them, but I'd like forgiveness if this is possible. Losing contact was like the loss of a dear friend.

I just want to be happy and find love and companionship. This is a deeply emotional time; I don't have anyone to talk with about it and fear a relapse of symptoms may occur.

I've become dependent on all the wonderful people in this community and this scares me too. Not having face to face conversation about the real me is wearing me down.

Dizzy x

[marcus_c]

Wow Dizzy, I can remember exactly where you are right now. Like you, I had kind of known deep down for a long while but when the realisation came, I felt, well, dizzy! So many questions, so much anxiety, but also some excitement about possibilities for the future. A lot of things that didn't make sense to me before, now did. I had some answers.

It sucks that a lot of sexuality related sites get adult warnings put on them by internet filters. This is a big problem for young people especially trying to access information away from prying eyes of parents.

It's a good thing that you've found some connection through this forum, I joined when I went through a break up a little while ago and I found the words of people here very gentle, undertanding and comforting. I needed to reconnect with mty friends in the real world though to help my healing. I know that for you this isn't going to be so easy as it may involve coming out to some people. We've all been there so we can support you through that if you feel ready to do that, and if not, then that's fine as well.

When I came out there used to be a lot of face to face support groups you could go to just to meet others and chat (not to hook up or anything). Try calling the Qlife line 1800 184 527, they would have a good idea of places near where you're living.

I just wanted to finish by saying that happiness, love and companionship is possible. My jouirney has been one of finding it within myself before I've started to look for it in others. It's something you share with others, rather than something you look to have fulfilled by them. It's tough sometimes, especially when you feel lonely. But I'm happy to keep talking with you about it. 🙂

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Dizzy,

Wow you have been exploring and thinking about a lot. I guess it's time to say, welcome to the family...

Marcus had a lot of great ideas there. My experience of internet dating is that it hasn't come to much and I find the emotional roller coaster challenging. There is a social group in my town which I eventually found and joined, that was a better way for me to meet others, friends mostly and sometimes it led to more.

Happy to talk here, about anything.

Today, Dizzy, I am not chocolate, I'm the gayest biscuit of all - The iced VoVo. I'll break out a packet of them and have one in your honour.

Rob.

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy,

I bet it's taken some courage to break through the barriers and open up to yourself and now to us. I'm really glad you have been able to - we're here to talk about anything you want to talk about.

Internet dating - can be fun, can be boring, can be scary, can be a trigger. Truth is it can be anything you want it to be - and also anything the other person wants it to me. Trust your intuition on this internet thing and only do what you want to do. If it's just coffee, it's just coffee!

Have you been able to look at yourself in the mirror yet and say "i'm ......."? Having that ability means having things lined up in your mind. It takes time and it's ok to take that time to build the strength to discover what all the feelings you may have ignored for a while REALLY feel like because it's OK to feel them now too.

Step by step

Paul x

[Paul]

Oh no no no Rob,

The gayest biscuit of all time are the ones with the hard pink icing and hundreds and thousands. Strangely enough called "Hundreds and Thousands" I think they flew them gaily in from Homolulu!

Iced Volvo's LOL. Iced volvo de är så rak

[Gruffudd]

Oh dear, we are talking like my Viking ancestors on mothers side Vol-au-vent- nei þeir eru samkynhneigðir...

Dizzy, I was wondering if you had come across the stages of coming out? You will have been on quite a journey to be here now and it can help to reflect.

[blondguy]

Hey Dizzy 🙂

I am a huge fan of yours and the help you have given me and many others. I am lucky as I have 5 previous company directors that were in the same mindset as you are now. They are and have always been my mentors. I love them to bits and always will 🙂

As for the best biscuit Paul has nailed it with "Hundreds and Thousands"

Just my heartfelt response to your thread if thats okay Dizzy

Paulx

[Just Sara]

Marcus; Reading your post made me feel better and gave me a smile; (...I felt, well, dizzy!) It's odd how intellectually I'm able to connect to your words, but am still trying to break through to core feelings. I know they're there, but it's giving myself permission to totally submit. You also said "I needed to reconnect with my friends in the real world" This struck a cord with me. Reconnecting isn't what I want, that's the past. It's connecting to a new way of life, and more-so the new me. Thank you also for the opportunity to have you as someone to bounce things off; many thanks.

Paul, looking in the mirror and saying "I'm ....." has to be one of the most challenging things anyone has ever said to me. I've had people mirror my, dare I say it, 'gayness', and know inside behind so much trauma and pain there's my truth, but looking in my own mirror seems foreign and scary. The results of my profile questionnaire said I was; 'energised by other people more than myself' Your question bought that home. Thankyou...more than I can say.

Rob; thankyou for welcoming me to 'the family', but I'm not quite there yet. For someone who treasures his solitary time, it's good you get out and meet others. I'd like to be that brave, but feel it's not time yet. As for internet dating; going on that site was a step towards me, not the person I tried to connect with; I get that now after a long sleepless night. And yes; I'd like to continue on this thread, a safe place for me to 'come out' in stages. Thanks for this tip; will explore.

Paul (BG) speaking of accepting compliments; I do appreciate the sentiment. Thankyou...much! I've never had a fan before. (smile) As always, love to hear from you...x

So the only issue left is the biscuit debate...hmm. I have to say, the Iced Vovo (Volvo?) is my pick of the day. They say; pink powder puff. Sorry Paul, but Hundreds and Thousands reminds me of the child within.

Marcus, Paul, Rob and Paul (BG), needed the feedback...much thanks again...Dizzy x (hugs)

[White_Rose]

Hello Dizzy

Just found this thread and wow you blow me away. Such courage to admit who you are and then to write about it on BB. As usual you have managed to surprise me and I am full of admiration.

Your writings on other threads show what a lovely person you are, with the ability to share in the sorrows of others. I think you are pleased with this change in your life but a little scared as well. Is this correct? This is one topic I have no experience of so I'm not sure if I can say anything directly, well at least nothing that would make sense.

I would like to walk with you on this new journey and share your experiences. I think it will be a whole new world out there so I do want you walk carefully. Keep yourself safe and well and talk lots to me and others. I see the rainbow crew have jumped in to talk with you. That's great.

Have you met anyone on the internet dating sites? I sometimes think of them for myself but I would never have the courage that you have. I also think I am too selfish to want to share my life with someone else. Yet when several friends found new partners I really wished it would happen to me. But on the whole I think I am better off on my own.

You want to find love and happiness and be connected to others. Yes, it's hard when you feel isolated. Making ourselves our best friend is great but we do need the comfort and companionship of others. Sometimes I wonder how alone those people are who strike up conversations on the bus or train with complete strangers.

Marcus sent you a Qld phone number for group meetings I think. Does that mean you live in Qld? I live in Brisbane so we may be next door neighbours. What a pity we cannot exchange addresses.

Dizzy, I hope it's not me who has let you down. If it is then please accept my apologies. You have done nothing wrong.

I think many people have commented on how BB has supported them. The folk who post here are an amazing lot with all sorts of experiences to share. You have shared much of your journey with me and heaps of other people, and all these folk feel better for talking in this way. Occasionally people join this site after spending a long time simply reading the various posts. Invariably they comment on how much the posts have helped and comforted them. So give yourself a big tick in the box as some of these posts are yours.

Talk later.

Mary

[marcus_c]

Hi Dizzy I'm glad my post helped in some way. I like what you say about moving forward and connecting to a new way of life. I know you're not ready to be going out and meeting lots of new people just yet, but going on that dating site is a first step. I don't know what you've put in your profile, but to avoid awkward conversations and potentially rude people (dating sites aren't always the friendliest) I would be honest and say that you're still exploring who y ou are and that you have lots of questions. Also be clear about what you're not ready for just yet.

Again I don't know much about your past but some of what you say above sounds like you want to completely cut off everything and everyone from it. I don't know if I've read that right. You may have good reasons for doing this, but I hope that you have maybe one person in your life that you can stay connected with. It's exciting to be moving off in a new direction in life, but we need anchors along the way as well. It can be tempting to cut people off from our past because you fear how they might react to a big piece of news like being gay. If you want to cut all ties with the past, that is your choice, but I would make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.