Struggling with my sexuality and crushing on a married woman

[Ghost_Girl]

Hey there BB forum users,

I'm having a hard time and I know I really need to talk to someone. I would usually talk to my counsellor or my friends (most of whom are LGBT) about my struggles but these feelings are so unusual for me and so difficult to explain that I felt like this forum might be the best place to start opening up about this. So to begin, I'm almost 21 years old, I work as a trainee aged carer and I've known I'm somewhere in the "bi sphere" since I was about 12 years old. The "struggling with sexuality" part of the title is because I've gone through some periods of confusion because I'm not "half straight/half gay" nowhere close. I'd say my ratio is about 80-85% in favour of men with 15-20% of my attractions being women and to add to that, these attractions are pretty much never sexual attractions, rather they're sensual/romantic ones. Last year, I finally decided to just go with what felt right and call myself "bisensual" because I can be sensually attracted to anyone despite preferring men so why not? Now comes the kicker: About a month ago, I realized the intense desire I have to be close to one of my coworkers (we'll call her "Mari"), isn't just because I admire her... I have a colossal crush on her even though she's about 20 years older than me and married with kids. Initially I was disappointed that I had built such a good age gap friendship with Mari (as well as many other older workmates) and then I had to go and ruin it by catching feelings but then I justified the feelings, "This feels good and if I keep it to myself and don't act on it, I'm not hurting anyone right?" but as I got increasingly worried that I'm not feeling guilty enough for being attracted to someone who has a husband and kids, I decided to start trying to get over her by force: "You should be ashamed of yourself, you freak." But I can't stop thinking about her, I've never felt this way for a woman before and only for very few men. She called me pretty with my new haircut the other day and I got butterflies and I sometimes even imagine myself kissing her. So fast forward to now, my social anxiety is the worst it's been in a long time and I think it's to do with Mari and my fear of the people I work with finding out about my sexuality and my inappropriate attraction to her. I've considered online dating since I've been feeling ready to put myself out there and I definitely need the distraction but I'm worried, I'll still want what I can't have. Sorry for the novel.

[Guest9337]

G'day Ghost Girl,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about crushing on a married woman.

I find discussions of monogamy very interesting. Our Aussie culture is pretty much exclusively orientated away from polygamy so yeh, I suppose the cost/benefit ratio for revealing your feelings to Mari is not viable.

I met a man recently who stated that his wife thought him hypersexual, I wonder how a hypersexual person maintains monogamy.

Have you seen the movie "Kinsey"? got some very interesting ideas in it.

[Ghost_Girl]

Thanks so much for your reply Here2Talk, nice to hear from you again. What you said was so thoughtful and well-phrased (hardly surprising from you!) My social anxiety has gotten a lot better and I’m not all that afraid of my sexuality being discovered anymore however now I suppose I worry about people thinking my behaviour around Mari is strange, though I don’t think it is. I really worry about if she has suspicions of me (she probably doesn’t) not so much because I think she would respond adversely to different expressions of sexuality but specifically because I am so attracted to her despite her family and her obviously very loyal personality. In response to your second question, I think about her a looottt. Not necessarily in physical ways or sappy imaginary dates and confessions of love but just… Spending time with her, having meaningful conversations, and making her laugh. I also often imagine myself telling her and her letting me down gently, reassuring me she’s not upset with me. I guess it just feels cathartic even though I know telling her will never be a wise thing to do IRL. The part about the feeling of life a crush gives you and the physical pain of knowing that crush can’t come to fruition rings so so true. I’ve thought about online dating as a way to put myself out there and the fact that your friend had a good experience and actually found someone is surprisingly reassuring to me. Thank you! I might have to give it a try once I’m a bit closer to the end of my “grief” (yet another really insightful perspective on love and attraction from you, as well as it being mystical instead of scientific!) Thanks again Here2Talk

[Jo8049]

Hi ghost girl , you are very respectful and thoughtful for Mari . There is some very good thought here ! The human intimacy of hanging out together enjoying each others company is I think the most desirable relationship a human can have . Live your life but be on the lookout for that , it could come from anywhere at anytime . lol and take care xxx

Jo in the never never . hug if required !

[Ghost_Girl]

Thank you so much for your kind words Jo. I really enjoyed seeing your unique approach to my situation and totally agree about what a wonderful pleasure it is to enjoy someone’s company! And I’m sure you’re 100% right about these connections being able to come from anywhere and I will keep my head up.

The advice and the hug is much appreciated 😊

[Here2Talk]

Glad to hear that things have gotten a bit better ghost girl. I’m married now but I remember from early school years to pain of realising that crushes had to be let go of.. This grief process too, it’s so much more dynamic than, say, loss over the death of someone, because your mind can always invent scenarios which reignite the passion you thought you were getting over. And being creatures both so in need of intimate social contact and so able to imagine nearly anything our mind can conjure up, that puts us in a tough spot. So the grief can certainly be non-linear, dragging on and resurfacing. But I think short of a Shakespeare novel and certain people with severe attachments, the general trend over a long period of time is toward declining feelings. Like I still remember the feelings of a couple of crushes from grade 6 to grade 8, sometimes vividly. But I’ve integrated them into the story of my past, and thus I no longer get those feelings in response to them as girls, but I just remember that it was part of my past and of what it is to be human. Being human for sure is a tragedy, perhaps why the Shakespeare plays are still relevant to many people today...

I think your bisexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, or worried if people find out, because I think it’s worse to suppress who you are than to have a couple people think you weird or whatever... people think that about others for a multitude of things anyway... Plus it is much more accepted that people can experiment with what they like than in the past...

I think that one day - and you seem like a wonderful, smart, and self aware young woman - another attraction will come along and be reciprocated and provide you with all the intimacy that your organism evolutionarily wants, and that in time your fascination with Mari will be integrated into the narratives of your past, like the past crushes I described.

I actually write music - have done for quite some time, and a song I’ve actually recorded recently ends with a couple of lines:

“if one day I’m nothing more than a faded memory - a once in a while scene,

rest assured that you will be nothing less, than the ghost of a forgotten dream”....

In a way I guess that’s a dedication to all the past struggles with relationships that once consumed me, but like all fantasies, eventually go the way of the dinosaurs..