Struggling with my faith

ZacOliver

Im a male 31 year old I’m a Christian and love God so much all my life

Im BI sexual but mostly lean towards gay probably am gay but scared to admit it I’ve never been in a relationship

my church teaches u can be born gay but it’s a sin so u must stay single

I had a breakdown a year ago and came out to a friend he was so supportive and I don’t know if I would be alive without him I’ve since told one other friend he too was supportive

i grew up with a homophobic dad that called it vile and said some very horrible stuff and had been mentally abusive he took off after I finished school

I knew I liked guys since yr 9 and hated that part of myself l had crushes on guys and felt so guilty I wanted to die especially seeing that my dad though it was vile school was so hard

I managed to be okay after school and ignore that part of me for years then I had a bad case of depression after I had a crush for a guy friend and after bottling it up for years it all boiled over and I had my breakdown

I tried to come out to my mum who I love so much we been through allot together she said all the right things but as soon as I saw a bit of hesitation from her I got scared and backpedaled saying I’m just lonely and confused never wanted a boyfriend I’m just so scared to tell her if she knew I’ll be happy to be out and proud but what if she says no I love her so much

I get so angry all the time at work and home and this is why I’m so scared to meet with other lgbtq people in fear of being outed

it has got so much better since I came out to my friend who told me I need to stop hating myself and be free

I was just looking for advice and to air it all out

white knight

Hi, welcome

Well, what a brave chap indeed, thankyou for your candid post and well written.

I can clearly see as to why the step processes of coming out haven't worked, for you its an internal wrestle. Not every gay person can get a smooth sailing in the process. Fear is your enemy yet, some gay individuals likely plough through and if their decision with their own lives isnt accepted they punish themselves... that isnt right, you have no reason to fear anyone.

I'm 68yo, our generation was indeed terrible (and all generations before us) with LGBTIQ people. I joined the RAAF at 17yo and it wasnt long before I joined the hateful groups that put gays down and worse. I was young and influenced then in that way, I knew no better but slowly I changed. At 21yo I joined a prison as a warder and got educated in many ways, in fact the best relationship advice was given to me by 4 such individuals in a group cell and I swear they were so kind and caring.

So our gen often dont respond ideally in the first instance upon given the news, your mum wouldnt want to hurt you but if you focus on every mouth, eye, tone of voice then you will get disappointed. If you give her time you'd be better off. I suggest the following conversation- Something like this-

"mum, can we sit down and have a chat with no interruptions?" Then turn off mobile phones etc.

"Mum I wanted to tell you something really important to me and it isnt easy to say this, but first I want you to know that your support is needed right now, this moment and I might not get such support for a while so its ok to take time to digest it all. I've been wrestling for a long time and now I do know I'm gay, yes homosexual". (now be silent- cry if you like). Let her think/accept.

You'll receive an answer. What ever that answer is remember that she has a right to that answer, it matters less that she accepts your sexuality than it does that she loves you and will continue to. During your future conversations you might like to include her in window shopping like jewellery, attire, books and the like. I've seen some fabulous mother gay guy relationships flourish post coming out. Take it from there.

I feel if I was in your shoes, I'd not want to waste one single minute not coming out and it would be torturous. It would impact my mental health leading to depression and the like- that is another reason to fast track this meeting with mum and get things off your chest. Your father imo has no bearing on this issue. Love those in your life, walk away from those that you dont feel comfortable with.

I can feel your warmth, your character, you have a lot to look forward to. There is a future out there and nobody is reasonable that judges you poorly for who you are. I cant give too much opinion on religion on your life but I'd suggest that you are entitled to some flexibility from God as he loves all his children. Picking the minute quotes of the bible to suit ones judgements upon you isnt helpful and I'm sure everyone in your church hides some personal information that wouldnt sit right with the clergy. For that reason please continue to love your God as God will remain with you during times of worry and stress. By the way I'm an atheist but sometimes I wished I could believe and have some support. You might want to switch churches as there are many now that accept LGBTIQ, onwards and upwards?

Loving yourself is another step of huge proportions, try telling yourself in the mirror every day, after 3 months it begins to work. But above all you are deserving of love and maybe a partner if you desire, hang out at a gay cafe, feel the kindness I felt 47 years ago from those inmates. All that inner love you have is ready to be released- let the doves fly.

"An LGTBIQ or straight persons sexuality doesnt define an individual, their ability to have empathy, give love, protect, support, guide and nurture.... now that defines us!"

Reply anytime.

TonyWK

ZacOliver

Thank u for your kind words and encouragement

Like Im slowly making progress of accepting myself as bi i have reason to believe i am but more the gay side of things

with some great friends to support me they are straight but the best mates anyone can have

they even pretty much knew I was not straight but waited for me to tell them like a least I can be myself around my best friends finally

I feel like I need to be patient with myself and not rush myself in telling my mum it takes time it’s just really scary I don’t know why it’s so unbelievably hard I can only do it during one of my breakdowns she even said she loves me and support me no matter what I could not even say I’m bi or gay to her just I had had crushes on guys I know u said I’ll just get more depressed but I feel like why did I manage so well (school I was a mess) but after school like 10 years after school not telling her or anyone I was pretty much fine I just ignored that part of me and felt allot better overall why the breakdown now that made me tell my friends was i boiling over

like I though maybe she knew as well but by our conversation sounds like she does not think I’m gay so I need to be more confident next time in telling her

like I’m fine single I’m not desperate for a partner or anything I’m just like to be free to be out and proud and not miss an opportunity to meet my future boyfriend

I also with what u said about window shopping I always wanted since I was a teen to change my hair and get my ears pierced and eyebrow pierced but was scared I’ll be seen as different or gay even though some straight people have them I feel like I wasted my teenage years not being me and being scared to change anything about me

I feel like I would not have made it in the dark times of my life without knowing my mum and god loves me so much I know that I know in my heart he’s real I’ve seen the pain people inflict in his name turning so many people away from him I respect everyone and their beliefs and religions everyone has free will to choose

I don’t live really near any lgbt cafe or meet place or church but maybe I can travel in and just spend the day meeting people like me

thank u for listening to me ramble 🙂 I really do need to learn to love myself more for who I am 🙂

white knight

I was a bit confused. I see that you're happy enough not coming out but I read you don't want for your sexualising to be discovered and "wasting my teenage years" etc. Hence me focussing on how to come out easier.

But that's OK, it's your own timeframe.

When you spend time with your mother, watching TV for example, you could ask her what she sees, thinks of the Mardi Gras, or watch the movie Break back Mountain. I'm saying watch out for opportunities to find out more of her thoughts. It could open up dialogue.

I hope you are OK. Return anytime.

TonyWK